How To Put The Toothpaste Back In The Tube!
Making Mistakes  - Can I Still Approve Of Myself?

Have you ever said or done anything and wished you hadn't.  I have done many times, and I am sure you have too. A friend of mine compares this to trying to put toothpaste back in the tube once you have squeezed it out! Impossible. It is often not possible to change the situation (put the toothpaste back in the tube) however we can change the way we think about it and hence respond in a more helpful way and move on.
 
In last week’s blog  'Experiments in the Kitchen'  I wrote, “I am trying to be more mindful of being more approving of myself ‘doing my best’.  I am trying to let go of outside approval (even though I am tempted to check the likes, ask friends what they think etc.).”
It is interesting that often the lesson I need to learn comes up. A few things happened following last weeks blog to help me learn to approve of myself. 

I felt like I was playing limbo as these situations came up and allowed me to look at ‘Can I approve of myself now? ….and now? ……….and even now?  I tend to make these blogs a little long so I plan to explore the first situation 'Making mistakes  - Can I still approve of myself?' here and look at the situations that followed in next week’s blog – 'Disapproval from others – Can I still approve of myself?'

The first thing happened just after I sent last weeks blog 'Experiments in The Kitchen'. I hit the 'send' button' then reread the blog for the umpteenth time.  I noticed a huge mistake.  I had typed cooking ‘with’ expectation instead of cooking ‘without’ expectation.  "My mind attempted to go on that negative thought train."  How can I get that email back? This is a disaster, how could I have not noticed that mistake, I had checked it so many times, why didn’t I see it, I always stuff things up etc.  I knew this was not  helpful t and fortunately remembered a more helpful response.  I came to the present moment using my breath. I recalled why it is often not possible to change the situation I can change the way I think about it. What helpful things could I remember to allow me to approve of myself when I have made mistakes? 

• We all make mistakes.  That can happen                                                                               I will explore this ‘Impossible perfection’ in a future blog. 
• I was doing my best – to share what has been helpful to me, mistakes and all
• Making mistakes is how we learn. 

In the ‘Dealing with Disappointment' blog I shared how when things don’t go as we had planned we can use them as opportunities to grow and learn.  I used the typo to do this blog and remind myself and others that making mistakes can be an opportunity to learn about……

• Empathy and compassion           

 This is how others feel when they make mistakes

• Impermanence

This will change – I won’t always feel upset

• Kindness to myself and others

I am being unkind to myself when I go on that negative, critical thought train and its not nice for others to be around me too.  I can choose to be a kind encouraging friend rather than that hard taskmaster both to myself and others

• Overcome my pride

It is easy to become smug when things are going well, making a mistake allows us to overcome that unhelpful tendency and develop empathy for others instead

• Blaming myself or others is never helpful

We all make mistakes and have unwanted things happen.  Being a victim, blaming and criticizing ourselves and others with negative talk is never useful

• Forgiveness

Being brave enough to apologize and forgive yourself and others is the kindest thing you can do for all

• Meditation 

Having a mindfulness meditation practice and some wisdom is invaluable in changing unhelpful thought habits. Meditation allows us to become aware of our thoughts and act from a happy, relaxed, non reactive state. 
So could I approve of myself having made mistakes?  Yes I could, when I remembered a more helpful way to think.  So when you are tempted to be that unkind task master it may be helpful to remember to do your  best with the understanding that perfection is an impossible goal, we all make mistakes and mistakes are how we learn and that rather than blame and criticise ourselves or others forgiveness is best for all. 
 
I can honestly ask myself - 'What was my intention in writing this blog?' And answer truthfully 'I was doing my best to share what has been useful to me, which may be of benefit to others."  I can approve of that and myself, even with the mistakes. 
 
I am really pleased to have had made that typo, it was a beautiful reminder that we all make mistakes and to let go of impossible perfection and open myself up to the rewards that practicing humility, forgiveness and allowing vulnerability bring.  We are all human and sharing our humanness allows for connection with others.  Like the rest of us I am continuing to learn and grow from these so-called mistakes, be a kind encouraging friend to myself and to do my best to live with respect, fun, kindness and connection.”

Knowing I had done my best and letting go of the result or need for approval was liberating and fun.  It is when I can get that 'worried Maree' who is concerned about getting it perfect or wanting approval from others, out of the way and do my best to do what is needed for others at the time that I am happiest.  Doing my best to share the blog post for others without expectation of appreciation, approval or even success is a much more fun, kind  and peaceful way to go.  

You might want to explore doing the ‘Worry to Wonder’ 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you. 
This 4-week course can be done individually or together with your child or someone else too.   It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face time.  


If you feel you would like to know more sign up for a free 30 minute phone consultation with Maree to see if we seem like a good fit. CLICK HERE 

You might want to explore doing the ‘Worry to Wonder’ 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you and your family. 
This 4-week course can be done individually or together with your child too.   It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face time. 
​ 
If you feel you would like to know more sign up for a free 30 minute phone consultation with Maree to see if we seem like a good fit. 
CLICK HERE

Experiments in the Kitchen
 
Have you ever wanted those you live with, be it family or friends, to be more involved in the sharing of the running of the household?  I certainly have but as I discussed in "last weeks blog"  I have not always been so good at letting go of unhelpful ideas regarding the needing to control how I wanted things done and that whole ‘needing to be needed’ over parenting unhelpful habit.  I have also often been unsure of how to involve others without  nagging and needing to be in total control.
Following are a couple of great ideas that have helped me let go of the control and have others I live with more involved in the cooking – joyfully even!!!! 
 
My Signature dish 
A few years ago now I heard of a family who had young children, around five or six years old.  This family had a tradition of teaching their young children one dish that they could easily cook.  From memory it was their favorite, and I am sure you can guess what the most popular option was, Spaghetti Bolognese. 
So the child selected their ‘signature dish’ and was assisted to learn to cook this, so they could make it by themselves.  They then went on to cook this dish once per week for the family. While in our family we missed the boat regarding this idea for young children, but we have been able to adapt the idea so that we each take a night of the week to cook.  Also as I said last week, our family discussion regarding me taking responsibility for the whole ‘over-parenting’ thing rather than playing the blame game, allowed for others to take responsibility to be involved in household tasks like cooking and for us all to work together with more cooperation, peace and joy.  
The challenge for me is to let go of getting in there to help or control what is going on and rather let them have the run of the kitchen to create their meal for us all.  It is often better if I get out of the kitchen and house.  I try to remind myself to let go of expectation and judgment and to be appreciative and encouraging.  Some of us have developed a ‘signature dish’ while others have been a little more adventurous.  If we are unable to make a meal on our assigned night because we are going out or whatever we can swap with someone else or prepare a meal to be heated up. I don’t want to present my family as having everything sorted, this like everything else is a work in progress and often things go not as planned.  We are all learning and all doing our best to live with cooperation and respect.  I am so grateful for not having to cook every day and for the opportunity to let go of my control of the kitchen and share.  Good for us all and harmony at home. 
 
The Cooking without Expectation Experiment
A few years ago I became aware of how much I was looking for my families’ approval of my cooking.  This was certainly not the only area of my life I was looking for the approval of others, though it was the first one that was obvious to me.  As I discussed in "last weeks blog" often we go looking for others’ approval of us in whatever role we play.  I noticed how much I looked for this approval and appreciation from my family following every meal I cooked.  Did you like that? Etc.  The truth is we need to give this approval to ourselves.  We cannot get approval from others until we are able to give it to ourselves.  The tools that have helped me approve of myself are;

• We are doing the best we can with what we know at the time
• No one is perfect, we all make mistakes
• We have no need to compare ourselves to others

Using these tools I set out to do the Cooking with expectation experiment. 
 
I decided when I cooked a meal I would watch my mind around the need for approval or appreciation. So with my tools of understanding I was doing my best, that perfection was an impossible goal and watching my mind around comparing myself to others as better or worse I would do my best to prepare a healthy meal without expectation of praise or approval.  I decided to trial some new meals as I was sometimes in the habit of bringing out the same old meals without too much care or thought.  If the family liked the meal it would go into a recipe book for future use, if not it wouldn’t.  It was so interesting to let go of expectation of whether it would go into the book or not.  I knew I could approve of myself – I was doing my best to make a meal that was healthy and tasty and resisted the expectation of approval or appreciated, somewhat tricky but well worth it.  
I learnt I could approve of myself, doing my best without seeking approval from others, comparing myself to others, or expecting perfection.  
Many meals did not make it into the book, some were flops and others were a success.  Knowing I had done my best and letting go of the result or need for approval was liberating and fun.  It is when I can get that 'worried Maree' who is concerned about getting approval and appreciation from others, out of the way and do my best to do what is needed for others at the time that I am happiest.  Doing my best to plan and prepare a meal without expectation or appreciation, approval or even success is a much more fun and peaceful way to go.  
Why not  explore doing the Worry to Wonder 4 week course ​to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you and your family. 
This 4-week course can be done individually or together with your child too.   It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face time.  Click on the image below for more information





​
​If you feel you would like to know more sign up for a free 30 minute phone consultation with Maree to see if we seem like a good fit. CLICK HERE

Go to the POM Facebook for daily tips and inspiration and weekly blog 

Harmony at Home with Young Children– Living with respect, fun and connection
 
No matter what living situation we may find ourselves in, whether it be at home as an adult because our finances do not permit us to move out, at home as part of a family or couple or in a shared home with others, it is helpful to be mindful of living with respect and consideration of others and ourselves. 
 
I am not a psychologist or parenting expert, I am a mother who has had the opportunity to learn and grow through all the challenges and rewards that parenting brings.  I have done my best to a strong reliable parent and have made lots of mistakes along the way.  Like the rest of us I am continuing to learn and grow from these so-called mistakes and to do my best to live with respect, fun and connection.  I feel extremely fortunate to be a parent and a daughter too.  I am grateful for all the joy, harmony, chaos and learning that being together as family brings and am grateful to you for the opportunity to share what I have found useful. 
As a mother of four children I have at times been a little unaware of and slow to adapt to my families’ changing needs and circumstances, as well as my own.  We have all had to adjust as we have moved through the different family stages of having young children, adolescents, teens and adults living at home. 
I thought it might be helpful to do these two blog posts the first on living with younger children and next week living with teens and adults.  I am grateful to you for  allowing me to share my experiences with you and to my wonderful family and friends who teach me so much and give me so much joy.  .  
 
Living with younger Children 
 
When our children were younger and needed assistance and guidance it was appropriate for me to take charge of the household duties and provide what they needed.  However, it may have been more appropriate from the start to involve our children more in household tasks like cooking and cleaning and also not to be so quick to provide them with everything they wanted.  Maybe it may have been better to wait a little longer for the latest and greatest ‘i-whatever’ and to be ok with being the ‘only parent in the world’ who did not provide or allow such things. 
As parents it is so easy to be seduced into thinking we are being helpful to our children when we indulge them emotionally and materially.  We somehow think they will be happy if we provide them with what they want or protect them from suffering disappointment.  However, at some level we all know that happiness does not lie in material things, if it did everyone that had all the things they wanted would be happy and we all certainly know that is not the case. 
It is also true that attempting to protect our kids from any risk or suffering any disappointment does not help them learn to be resilient and grow from tricky situations.  I recently wrote a blog post on dealing with disappointment.
 http://www.pom-melbourne.com/blog/dealing-with-disappointment
 
It is important as parents we do our best to communicate openly, honestly and clearly with our children.  It is our job as parents to provide appropriate support and guidance to allow our children to develop.  Many a time I have barked instructions from one end of the house to the other and become frustrated when what I have asked has not been done immediately.   It is much more helpful to communicate face to face and make sure what is being asked for or outlined is realistic, clearly understood and allows for appropriate negotiation which may include logical consequences for not complying. 
Boundaries, clear realistic expectations and logical consequences are all really important to allow children to develop and be safe.  It is tricky sometimes because as parents we want our kids to be happy and to like us and we think the way to do this is not to enforce restrictions, to give them what they want and to be their friends.  However, sometimes, strong love is required to set up clear boundaries, expectations and logical consequences with follow through.   This may not make us popular but it will ensure our kids emotional health. 
 
This current generation has been accused of growing up with a sense of entitlement.  We can help our children no matter what age avoid developing this unhelpful way of thinking by understanding how it develops.  When we emotionally and materially indulge our children, fail to set boundaries and rarely enforce consequences we are encouraging that sense of entitlement, which will lead to unhappiness and disharmony.
As parents, we can help our kids by showing that strong, kind love that does not allow them to hurt themselves. Being strong and reliable as parents is about being respectful, not supporting and attempting to meet unrealistic demands and wants and setting clear fair boundaries with consequences and follow through. 
 
Dame Elisabeth Murdoch is one of my heroes.  For me she was a woman who displayed strong love and quiet generosity.  Paying tribute to his late mother at a state memorial service Rupert Murdoch said his mother had “taken on the role of disciplinarian in the family because her husband was of uncertain health, much older and given to indulging his children.  He went on to say “she pursued that role with none of the angst or self-doubt that consumes so many modern parents.  For her love wasn’t soft or mushy it was strong and reliable.”
 
As a parent of younger children some things I have found useful include;

• Have clear communication.
• Clearly discuss, realistic expectations or guidelines to teach children to behave respectfully and responsibly.
• Clearly discuss logical consequences for not doing what is reasonable and fair
• Follow through with consequences
• Try to avoid nagging or getting into a battle – be firm and clear with expectations and consequences
• Do your best to do whatever presents to do joyfully - we often forget we have a choice. I have often chosen the resentment and expectation of gratitude and approval option which has not worked out so well for me.  Many of you have heard my Sam and the socks story which demonstrated this beautifully to me. It turned my time in the laundry from resentment and unhappiness to joy.  It remains one of my favourite spots.  I will write it up on a blog post soon.  
• Separate the behavior from the child.  It is the lying behavior that is problematic not ‘you are a liar’.   
• Make sure you communicate face to face to promote understanding and effective communication 
• Don’t expect you will always be liked.  Remember at this stage your job as a parent of is not to be your child’s friend but rather their role model and teacher of responsible, respectful behavior
• Focus on the positives.  Acknowledge that some behavior or habits may be unhelpful but choose to focus on what is going right.  Remember we all make mistakes; it is how we learn 
• Be aware of emotionally and materially indulging children.  It is ok not to have the latest or greatest of everything and its ok to have disappointments and failures too. It is more than ok, these experiences allow our children to grow and be resilient, respectful and grateful and cultivate very helpful skill like conflict resolution and delayed gratification 
• Encourage and model gratitude as a way of being
• Encourage involvement in household tasks and helping around the house from an early age.  Make it fun
• Look after yourself as a parent by asking for help when you need it and taking time out to recharge so you can keep doing your best to be that strong reliable parent. 
• Look after yourself as a parent by showing respect to yourself and modeling it for your kids.  When our kids are verbally unkind, yelling how unfair or awful we are, often just a simple ‘please be kind’.  (with a full stop) is all that is needed.  You may not think it has been heard at the time, however its powerful message of respect will resonate into the future
• Watch out for that unhelpful tendency we all have to compare ourselves to others.  We have no need to compare ourselves as better or worse than others in whatever role we play. We are doing our best with what we know at the time and others are too.  It is unhelpful to sit in judgement of ourselves and others  
• Learn to meditate.  Meditation allows us to become aware of our thoughts and act from a happy, relaxed non-reactive state.    It’s great for parents and kids to learn to meditate and makes for more peace of mind and peace at home.  You might want to explore doing the ‘Worry to Wonder’ 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you and your family.  This 4-week course can be done individually or together with your child too.   It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face time.   If you feel you would like to know more sign up for a free 30minute phone consultation with Maree to see if we seem like a good fit. ​http://www.pommelbourne.com/programmes.html

Next week I plan to explore Harmony at Home - Living with teens and adults in my blog post 
Have a peaceful, happy week, best wishes and kind regards
Maree xx
​