We have talked about the importance of forgiving and apologising to others, but what about ourselves? Maybe you are like me and have misunderstanding around self-forgiveness and how to do it. I have had some confusion regarding who to forgive first, others or myself. But, the conclusion I have come to is to forgive myself and others as a regular and ongoing practice. 

A Things that may help us with forgiveness review 

• Allowing my feelings and working with them with compassion and wisdom. It is never helpful to deny or suppress our feelings or to overindulge them either. So, in the middle here, allow the feeling of hurt, abandonment or anger and choose to let it go through forgiveness.
• Understanding it is my own self-interest to forgive
• Understanding what is under the hurt no matter how big or small 
• Remembering, I don't want to disconnect, but instead I want to realise the truth of connection 
• Remembering we all make mistakes, its how we learn. 
• And of course, my all time favourite reminder from Malcolm X - "Don't be in such a hurry to condemn a person because he does not do what you do, or think as you think.  There was a time you didn't know what you know now." So we ourselves, our parents, partners, children or who ever it is, are all doing the best with what we know at the time
• Others have their reasons for doing what they have to, (including laking understanding). It is better for my mind if I can allow them the freedom to do so. And forgive them for any feelings of hurt, anger or abandonment I may feel.
• Happy, confident people are not interested in hurting others. As Tich Nhat Hanh says those that hurt are hurting themselves and their hurt is spilling over to hurt others.
• Hurting others is never helpful 

Understanding this helps us to have compassion for others and their mistakes and compassion for our mistakes and ourselves too. We are all doing our best with what we know at the time

• Forgiveness is how we heal

How do we Forgive Ourselves?
We have all made mistakes and done, said and thought things we regret. Why, just today I made it difficult for a waitress by changing my mind about 4 times. And I have done lots of bigger things to hurt others too. So what is helpful here? Certainly not to feel guilty and bash myself up with negative self talk. A practice I have outlined before is the Four Forces practice (outlined in the From Road Rage to Happy Motoring blog). The Four forces is particularly useful for clearing our conscience and letting go of unhelpful guilt. It can allow us to practice forgiveness too.Here is a review of the Four Forces practice ..............
The Four Forces,  
The Four Forces is a bit like 'mind gardening' or conscious clearing. Here is an example

1. Refuge:  Firstly, Admit it - Yes I did it - I got angry and criticised back. Remembering - Being like this and not considering others, is not making me happy and is not helping me be the positive happy force I want to be.                        
2. Regret:  Good healthy regret.  I am sorry I snapped back angrily.  
3. Restraint:  I will try to be aware of my criticism button being pushed and will allowing the feeling of frustration, breath and then do my best to react from a wise spot.  
4. Recompense:  This is a make-up activity to make amends for criticising back. Decided to apologise to them for my outburst. And forgiveness for myself and the person that criticised me - who knows what he had going on. We are all doing the best we can with what is available at the time. Apologising and forgiving both, can be wonderful make-up activities. 
5. Rejoice:  Feel really happy about doing this Four powers, especially about following through on the recompense and forgiving. 

So instead of letting this incident ruin my trip and my day, I happily moved on, having forgiven myself and the other person. So again we can practice all day forgiveness of ourselves and others with those small hurts during any day.

But, what about forgiving ourselves for unkindness toward ourselves and others? I am not sure about you, but I am often far harder on myself than others. I can be critical, judgemental, have unrealistic expectations and be unforgiving of mistakes I have made. That negative, critical and unforgiving soundtrack is never helpful and disturbs my happiness and peace of mind. A self-forgiveness practice I learned some years ago and have found extremely useful, is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness, called Ho'oponopono. It has 4 easy steps. 

Ho'oponopono
Ho'oponopono has 4 easy steps, which are  

1. I'm sorry 
2. Please forgive me 
3. Thank you 
4. I love you 

So 4 easy steps, but some confusion on my part. Who am I apologising to, asking for forgiveness from and thanking? I don't think it really matters and is amazingly effective without the nutting out the 'who' questions, but if you are like me and like to have it organised you may find it useful to consider doing this practice in relation to someone you have hurt and a self-forgiveness practice. So here is my take on it, for what it is worth.

1.  Ho'oponopono for someone we have hurt
So we can remember someone we have hurt and put them in front of us in our mind and say, 'I am sorry'. The person we are apologising to, need not be in our lives still, or even be currently alive. It is all happening in our own minds. When we say these 4 things in our minds it is important to mean them and do our best to be sincere

1.  I am sorry - apologising or repenting  
We are repenting for what we have done with the understanding that apologising is important for our peace of mind. 

2.  Please forgive me - Asking for forgiveness 
We are asking the person in front of us, the person we hurt for forgiveness. 

3.  Thank you - giving appreciate or thanks
This thanks can be for the other persons forgiveness. Or for ourselves for doing this practice or both.

4.  I love you
Again this can be for yourself, your life, breath, the other person. There is nothing as powerful as love.

2.   Ho'oponopono. for ourselves 
As I said, sometimes we are extremely hard and unforgiving of ourselves. We are often unkind and critical with negative self-talk, instead of being that kind encouraging friend. We can speak to ourselves far harsher than we speak to others. I have found this self-forgiveness meditation very useful to forgive myself for such unkindness. 
When I do this as a self-forgiveness meditation or contemplation I have found it useful to put my higher, wise self in front of me and apologise to them.

That wise part of us all is beyond judgement, blame and criticism, and is unconditionally forgiving like an encouraging kind friend.  I have found it useful to make this an bit of a conversation between me and my higher self. This may sound a little wacky to you, and if it does, let it sit and move on. But, if you think it could be of use to you, as it has been to me, why not give it a go. So my conversation with my higher, wise self goes a bit like this. 
1.  I am sorry - apologising or repenting 
To my higher, wiser self for the mistakes, negative self talk, and hurt of myself. 

2.  Please forgive me - Asking for forgiveness 
We are asking our 'higher self' for forgiveness. And as we said this higher self is always forgiving and beyond judgement.

3.  Thank you - giving appreciate or thanks
This thanks can be for our higher self being there to guide us, support us, encourage and forgive us. It can also be thanks for ourselves - our body, our lives, what we do for others. 

4.  I love you
This can be for our higher, wise self, our life, breath, life-force. the universe, or love itself.  There is nothing as powerful as love.

Maybe you are encouraged to keep going with forgiving and give this practice a go. Remember to do your best, to do so, with kindness and compassion for all (including you).   
Maybe also you would like to continue to join me with the January, Buy Used and Repair. I am so excited my oven is fixed!!
Love Maree xx ​

I am not sure about you, but for me, deepening my understanding of forgiveness and putting it into practice has had many benefits to my happiness and peace of mind. In the past weeks we have explored some common misunderstandings around forgiveness and looked at why it is important, and in our own best interest to forgive. We have also exercised our forgiveness muscles with 'All Day Forgiveness’ with the small hurts and annoyances, and looked at apologising to others.  This blog will look more deeply into what may be under our hurt, particularly with those we are closest too. Next week we will look a forgiveness of ourselves.
When I am brave enough, I have found it so helpful to look under my anger and hurt to understand what is underneath both the small things like being tooted at and the big hurts too, 

Deep Relationship Understandings
With regard to those deep, close relationship hurts, some understandings that have helped me are.........

• I get hurt because these relationships are important to me and it matters to me what those I am closest to think, do and say.
• Holding onto those big hurts and grudges takes a huge amount of my emotional and physical energy and disturbs my peace of mind and happiness
• Repairing these relationships through forgiveness is possible, necessary and may take some time and work, but will aways be beneficial.

Forgiveness is an ongoing process,that is extremely helpful to do, both with the small everyday grudges, to prevent build up of resentment and also, with those big longer term hurts that have built up over time. Hurts, that maybe concern those who have deeply hurt us, betrayed us or let us down. Maybe you have someone who comes to mind, who it may be helpful to forgive.

For me, my parents were a great place to start. I can have many unhelpful storylines, related to my parents list of shortcomings and ways that I have been hurt and let down, from years ago. This blame and criticism causes hurt and resentments to build up, making me unhappy and disturbing my peace of mind. It also doesn't allow me to appreciate how amazing they are and what an incredible job they did to give me many wonderful opportunities, beginning with my amazing life! How easy it is to concentrate on the negatives, with blame, criticism, hurt and resentment and erode any relationship. So what is best to do here? Acknowledge the hurt and choose to forgive.   

I was interested to see a u-tube video by Simon Sinek on 'Millennials in the Workplace'. The video provided many amazing insights and helpful tips. However, it reminded me how unhelpful it can be to blame and criticise our parents. In this instance the shoe was on the other foot, and I didn't like it!  So,it serves  to me as, a beautiful reminder, that it is never helpful to blame, criticise and refuse to forgive as offspring, parents or friends (and in any relationship). 

As we said last week there is something deeper under the storylines related to feelings of hurt, anger, abandonment, or let down, from the toot in traffic to the bigger ones. Under my 'toot' anger was - you don't respect me!. I find it helpful to understand that under every bit of anger, hurt abandonment is my outraged ego, standing with its hands on it hips saying something like .......

• You don't respect me
• You don't love me enough 
• You don't appreciate me 
• You don't hear or see me 

And when I believe that is true - I disconnect.  But is it true? No. When I feel this lack of respect, appreciation, love or being listened to, supported or approved of my habitual reaction can be to disconnect from that person. This of course is never helpful and creates more separation and hurt. When I disconnect I ...................

• Deny my feelings. I put the walls up to shut the feelings to shut out the other person too.
• I blame and criticise them with all the 'nevers' and 'shoulds', with things like, "you never help me", "you never thank me", "you should pay me more respect,listen to me or do what I say".
• I build up my case of hurt/resentment against them with storylines of blame and criticism

What is more helpful, is to understand this, and to also understand that

• All of the separation I feel would be healed if I did not disconnect and instead remain connected
• and forgive.

We can also do the same, unhelpful 'disconnection thing', to ourselves. We can be that hard, critical unforgiving task master instead of a kind encouraging friend to ourselves too. Practicing with the ‘All day Forgiveness’ helps remind me not to disconnect, with others or myself, to be kind and to apologise and forgive.      
 
Forgiveness opens the heart, to find connection again. It is a way of releasing the hurt and bringing love, happiness and connection back into life. 

Things that may help us with forgiveness

• Allowing my feelings and working with them with compassion and wisdom
• Understanding it is my own self-interest to forgive
• Understanding what is under the hurt no matter how big or small 
• Remembering, I don't want to disconnect, but instead I want to realise the truth of connection 
• Remembering we all make mistakes, its how we learn. 
• And of course, my all time favourite reminder from Malcolm X - "Don't be in such a hurry to condemn a person because he does not do what you do, or think as you think.  There was a time you didn't know what you know now." So we ourselves, our parents, partners, children or who ever it is, are all doing the best with what we know at the time
• Others have their reasons for doing what they have to, (including laking understanding). It is better for my mind if I can allow them the freedom to do so. And forgive them for any feelings of hurt, anger or abandonment I may feel.
• Happy, confident people are not interested in hurting others. As Tich Nhat Hanh says those that hurt are hurting themselves and their hurt is spilling over to hurt others.
• Hurting others is never helpful 

Understanding this helps us to have compassion for others and their mistakes and compassion for our mistakes and ourselves too. We are all doing our best with what we know at the time

• Forgiveness is how we heal

How do we Forgive?
Armed with this useful advice, we have the understanding and wisdom to be ready to forgive. So here is how to do it ............

1. Sit and close the eyes and bring to mind the person who hurt you (you may want to picture them in front of you) 
2. Allow the feeling. Feel the hurt, abandonment or anger
3. Breath mindfully 
4. Say to that person in your mind 'I forgive you unconditionally' repeat this over a few times, or as long as you feel necessary
5. Repeat this process daily, for as many times as you feel the need. Do it for as long as you feel necessary. 

I have done this contemplation many times, with the big hurts. It is a process, and often when I think I am done, I require to repeat it. I am happy to say that this Christmas when I got together with family, I had a much more helpful kind soundtrack going on my my head. Through forgiveness, I had let go of much of the blame, criticism and hurt and instead was more able to be compassionate, kind and appreciative to all (including me)

Maybe you are fired up to keep going with forgiving the small everyday things and also to be mindful of appropriate apologising and are now ready to give forgiveness a go, with the deeper hurts. Remember to do your best, to do so, with kindness and compassion for all (including you).   
Maybe also you would like to continue to join me with the January, Buy Used and Repair. I am repairing a set of drawers and using used bottles to bottle lemon cordial and tomato sauce. 
Love Maree xx ​

Are you still interested in further deepening your understanding of forgiveness and how to do it? In the past weeks we have explored some common misunderstandings around forgiveness and looked at why it is important and in our own best interest to forgive.

Last week, we talked about exercising our forgiveness muscles with 'All Day Forgiveness’ with the small hurts and annoyances. I had a great opportunity to practice forgiveness today. I received a ‘hurry up’ toot (or should I say blast) at the lights this morning. Fortunately, I remembered it was in my own best interest to apologise and forgive and I played the "I am sorry, I forgive you", thought track and smiled.  No built up annoyance, or disturbed peace of mind. Yay. :)

In this blog we will continue to deepen our understanding of forgiveness and also look at apologising to others.  Next blogs we will look more deeply into what may be under our hurt, particularly with those we are closest too and forgiveness of ourselves too.
Beware of bypassing feelings - We can't heal until we feel!
As we have discussed, we all have a tendency to bypass negative emotions.  This is not helpful and certainly not what we are doing when we are forgiving.  We cannot heal until we feel; we need to feel the hurt to be able to forgive. 
Forgiveness is not about ………..

• Pretending it did not happen. It is not about ignoring our feelings of hurt, anger or resentment  
• Forgetting, in the sense of letting go, and not learning anything from it.
• Rerunning the ‘hurt and blame’ soundtrack in our minds 

Forgiveness is about ………………

• Getting in touch with the truth of
  • Our 'hurt or angry feelings  
  • Who, it is that hurt us, and would be helpful to forgive

Let's not tackle the big hurts yet, we will come to them over the next couple of blogs. I find it useful to keep exercising those forgiveness and apology muscles on the small things, in preparation for the bigger ones, including forgiving those I am closest to and myself.  
As I have said many times, something that helps me avoid this bypassing of feelings is to ….

1. A – Allow the feeling.  Feel the ‘ouch’
2. B – Breathe – take 3 breaths
3. C – Connect with wisdom (let go of the harmful, storyline)
4. D – Do – let it go ‘I forgive you’

When the woman tooted at me in the traffic I was annoyed - I felt the irritation, breathed and fortunately remembered to think "I am sorry, I forgive you" and smile.

I have found it so helpful to understand that under my anger and hurt at being tooted at was - you don't respect me! When I feel this lack of respect (or it could be lack of appreciation, love or being listened to, supported or approved of) my habitual reaction can be to disconnect from that person with blame and criticise back  - "stupid impatient woman, I am doing nothing wrong, how dare she!' outrage. This of course is never helpful and creates more separation and hurt. 

What is more helpful, is to understand this, and that all of the separation we feel would be healed if we did not disconnect and instead remain connected and forgive. We can also do the same, unhelpful 'disconnection thing', to ourselves. We can be that hard, critical unforgiving task master instead of a kind encouraging friend to ourselves too.  
Practicing with the ‘All day Forgiveness’ helps remind me not to disconnect, with others or myself, to be kind and to apologise and forgive.      
 
Forgiveness opens the heart, to find connection again. It is a way of releasing the hurt and bringing love, happiness and connection back into life. 

Forgiveness does not mean......

• We necessarily need to be friends with this person,
• Or even have that person know that we have forgiven them, or apologised to them. 
• That we allow ourselves to be hurt again. So when the tricky teenager is criticising, It may be helpful to practice kindness to others, and ourselves with the  ‘please be kind’ reminder, to prevent that disconnection. And to, then forgive.  

Things that may help us with forgiveness

• Realizing it is in our own self-interest to forgive
• Remembering, I don't want to disconnect, but instead I want to realise the truth of connection 
• Remembering we all make mistakes, its how we learn. As Albert Einstein says "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new"
• And of course, my all time favourite reminder from Malcolm X - "Don't be in such a hurry to condemn a person because he does not do what you do, or think as you think.  There was a time you didn't know what you know now." (Things like - hurting others is never helpful, forgiveness is how we heal, happy people are not interested in hurting others)

Understanding this helps us to have compassion for others and their mistakes and compassion for our mistakes and ourselves too. We are all doing our best with what we know at the time.
 
Thich Nhat Hanh says – “When another person makes you suffer it is because they suffer deeply within himself or herself.  And his or her suffering is spilling over.  He or she does not need punishment; he or she needs help – that is the message he or she is sending by hurting you.  So have compassion for them.  That is the human response to someone who is hurting and therefore needing to hurt others.”
Happy people do not hurt others. Unhappy people hurt others and themselves.  I know, when I am happy I am not interested in hurting others, but when I am unhappy and needy I can lash out, at others.  We are all the same, in this regard – so we need to remember to have compassion for ourselves and for others. We are all doing our best, with what we know at the time.

Apologizing to others
If we can humble ourselves and apologise to others, when we have done something we are not happy about, we are more likely to be able to humble ourselves to be able to forgive.

A lot of our inability to forgive comes from pride or judgment – 'how dare you do that to me'. As could have been me, with the toot. Maybe I did take too long at the green arrow or maybe she had some where to be urgently. I don't know! But, what I do know is me getting upset with blame and criticism is never going to help. Instead apologising and forgiving is much better for my peace of mind. Again we can start by, apologising for the small hurts and practice this with everyday misdeeds. 
If we feel it is appropriate and helpful we can apologise face to face to people.  

• Sometimes forming this connection in person can be beneficial, but sometimes it is not. However when this is not possible or appropriate, is still  very helpful to apologise in our own minds. 
• Sometimes an apology might cause the other person stress, or be seen as a 'goody too shoes' act.  We need to work out what is the best thing to do for the other person, understanding that what is best for them will be what is best for us too. We can then rest in this kind intention, no matter what happens 

A word of warning regarding, ' I'm sorry'. As a teenager, I can remember developing a very unhelpful 'I'm sorry' habit that extended to just about everything, including existing! I am sure it was very annoying for everyone. Being aware of this unhelpful tendency and apologising appropriately has helped a lot. Another thing that may be useful, is something I read recently. The suggestion was to thank the other person instead of (or as well as) apologising to them. So in the situation where I might be late for an appointment, instead of "I'm so sorry, I am late", I could try "Thank you for your patience and for waiting for me." You may find this interesting to think about or try in some situations. 

There are lots of reasons it is in our self- interest to forgive and to apologise too. We need to be aware and bring the strength of logic and compassion to help us remember to do so. Maybe you are fired up to keep going with forgiving the small everyday things and also to be mindful of appropriate apologising. Maybe also you would like to join me with the January, Buy Used and Repair. Remember to do your best to do so with kindness and compassion for all (including you).  .  
Love Maree xx ​

​Are you interested in further deepening your understanding of forgiveness and how to do it? Last week we explored some common misunderstandings around forgiveness. This week we will look at why it is important and in our own best interest to forgive.
 
For me, forgiveness is about letting go.  My new years resolution this year is to do my best to let go of trying to control things.
I am doing my best to, remember to.........

• Loosen my expectation of how I think things should and shouldn't be.

Instead of expecting things to be a certain way I am doing my best to give myself and others an expectation break, as we explored in the Give yourself an Expectation Break blog. Instead of 'expecting' I am being mindful to relax into how things are and respond from a wise spot – a work in progress, as I watch my funny mind attach to how I want things to be or not be!
I am trying to remember to say to myself - “Its like this now – what is my wisest response”? Remembering that my wisest response is never to blame others or myself or worry about what may or may not happen in the future. 
This helps me return to the present, and what is happening now, instead of worrying about how things should or shouldn't  be or what may or may not happen in the future. 

• Loosen my expectation of the outcome of my actions.

I’m doing my best to be aware of,when I attempt to try to control a situation, or others to achieve the outcome I desire. It never feels good to feel manipulated or controlled so I am trying to not do it to others. Trying to be mindful to do my best to deal with what comes up and then let go of any expectation for appreciation or even getting it right, 
This can be tricky, especially if you tend to be somewhat like me and a bit of an organised, control freak.  However, I am enjoying the' letting go'. I am finding it is much more relaxing, liberating and fun to let go and go with the flow and do my best to do what comes up to do without expectation of gain or control. Trying to remember to say  It’s like this now – what is my wisest response?
 
Now what about forgiveness right?  My ‘letting go of expectation’ has extended to this blogs' content and even when I get it out. When I sat down to write about forgiveness, I was going to explore why it is in our best interest to forgive and have gone on a ‘letting go’ ramble. But, as I said forgiveness is all about letting go.  I am going to do my best to present what has been helpful to me and let go of expectation of outcome.
 
From last weeks blog you may have cleared up some misunderstanding about forgiveness and be ready now to explore why it is in our own best interest to forgive.
 
Why it is important to forgive
Forgiveness is not about others – it is in our own self-interest to forgive.
When we are angry with others about what they did and didn’t do to hurt us, and are unable to forgive them, we live with anger, bitterness and unhappiness in our minds and hearts.  This disturbs our peace of mind.  We mistakenly believe it is easier to live with holding a grudge than to forgive.  However it is only through forgiveness we can gain freedom and peace of mind.  
 
Realizing forgiving is in our own self- interest is crucial
We are all self-interested, so it is crucial to realize that forgiveness is in our own enlightened self-interest. 
Our enlightened self interest is about realizing we all have an innate desire and right to live a happy life and we cant do this if we are holding onto grudges and resentments at the same time. 
 
Some things that help me remember this is the truth are....

• Remembering those little annoyances can ruin our day.

If someone does something to annoy me, like get impatient with me in the slow swimming lane, I can hold onto the annoyance for a long time. This ruins my peace of mind.  Being aware to allow the feeling of annoyance (because it is important not to pretend we are not annoyed when we are) but then, choosing to let it go and forgive gives peace. Instead of holding onto the hurt and resentment, this letting go and forgiving is a powerful way to overcome the tendency for small events like this to spoil our day. 

• Remembering that holding onto such anger & resentment impairs our health.

Anger and resentment is detrimental to our physical and mental health.  We can have blood pressure, heart, anxiety and stress problems related to not forgiving. This 3 step process is a much healthier response, than holding onto resentment.

1. Allow the feeling - Breathe
2. Connect with wisdom and let it go
3. Forgive   
4. Remembering it's never good to live or to die with grudges on our conscience (especially the big ones).

No one knows when anyone is going to die and what happens when we die.  However we do know that it cannot be good to die with hatred and anger in our minds and hearts. It is important that we let it go and make our peace.
It is in our close relationships, with those we love and who love us, that the hurt is deeper and it can be harder to forgive.
It is important to do our best to mend broken relationships through forgiveness.   We can start to mend those relationships is now, and remove the hurt from our conscience. We will talk more about this in coming blogs.
 
It may seem a bit overwhelming to start with the big hurts first, but we can begin to exercise our forgiveness muscles on the small ones. For me these tend to be about those I am not so close to - the person who cut me off in traffic, the shopkeeper who is rude, or the impatient swimmer in the slow lane. It is easier to forgive those we are not so close to or don't care so much about. .
A little practice I like is to try to remember to do is ‘all day forgiveness’. This really helps prevent those little annoyances building up to ruin my peace of mind and day
 
All Day Forgiveness
When that person in the slow lane says “I need to go first, because I am faster than you” I try to remember to.........

1. ALLOW - Feel the 'ouch' – hurt my swimming pride
2. BREATHE and CONNECTt with wisdom (holding onto this will ruin my peace of mind and day) and
3. DO - let it go - “I forgive you” – I say this In my mind only. If I were to say it aloud I might have more forgiveness to do, due to the other persons' reaction to my "I forgive you". Maybe, maybe not but it feels right for me, to think it and not necessarily say it.

There are lots of reasons it is in our self- interest to forgive and we need to bring that strength of logic to help us remember to do so.  So have fun starting with the little ones this week. I may need to continue to practice forgiveness in the slow lane at the pool, or who knows where else.