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Do you ever find it difficult to deal with new situations? Last weeks blog Hiding under a Rock - Confessions of a Terrified Swimmer explored some helpful ways to deal with new situations. I am very  thankful to have received this wise advice. This weeks blog is another opportunity to share with you ways i have been able to put this wise advice into practice.

A few years ago I was asked to teach a group of people.  I had been studying myself for some time but certainly did not feel ready to lead such a group.  I was terrified and look for all kinds of excuses to stay hidden under my rock. Around the same time I was asked to teach a yoga class at a retreat at a yoga Ashram.  I was part way through my yoga teacher training and certainly not confident or in my view competent to teach a yoga class with thirty plus people in it!  Both these teaching opportunities had me terrified beyond belief.  I needed some help.  I had all sorts of crazy escape plans including ringing the Ashram to tell them that the yoga teacher coming for the retreat had not finished her training; in the hope they would ban me.  I was fortunate enough to receive some very wise advice, which helped me though both situations.  Actually it got that terrified me out of the way so I could do my best to pass on what had been so helpful to me, in the hope it may be of benefit to others. 
 
We all have many skills and talents that we can share to benefit others. I knew enough (not a lot) about both philosophy and yoga and I could so my best to share what I knew.  In order to do this though  I needed to get that scared Maree who was so worried about what might happen, what others would think etc. out of the way.  I was then free to focus on being available to do the best I could for whoever turned up. I now realize  when I focus on how I can be of benefit others and stop worrying about myself, that I find true happiness and meaning in my life.  
 
As I said we all have unique talents and skills.  It does not matter what we do.  We can serve in a bakery, sell clothes, teach, parent, lay bricks or be a doctor.  As long as it is with this attitude of connecting with and benefiting others, whatever we do we can't go wrong.  Our only responsibly is to do our best to kindly share these skills and talents with others and let go of the result. 
A friend of mine shared some helpful advice about this in relation to teaching.  She told me

• “You have learnt and know some things that have been helpful to you, and it is great to have the opportunity to share these. You don’t know everything and that is ok. 
• Some people will know more than you, you can’t share with them
• Others will not want to know what you know, and you can’t share with them either.
• Others will want to know what you know and it is your responsibility to share with them. All you need to do is to do your best to share with those who want to know what you know and leave the others”

Making it about others magically dissolves our fear and worry about ourselves. 
This advice has been so useful to me and helps me get over my fear of teaching each week. It has also made it possible for me to be a teacher of yoga and philosophy, speak to large groups of people, and even tap dance in Moomba and live on stage at the National Theatre!  
I have a responsibility to myself, those who have kindly taught me and those who want to know or see what I know to continue to do my best to share what has helped me.  I can rest in the intention of doing my best to share and let go of my self-consciousness, expectation of appreciation or approval from others and give it to myself.  I am doing my best for others, which may not go the way I planned, like when I completely forgot what I was meant to be doing with my cane in the tap concert, which of course was perfect and provided lots of laughs for us all.  Learning to let go of fear and expectation and doing my best to what needs to be done for others at the time is a much more fun, kind and peaceful way to go.

Maree xx

Do you find it difficult to get up in front of group of people and speak, teach, perform or do anything?  While hiding under a rock may seem to offer safety, it never does.  Avoiding situations and worrying about ourselves only increases our fear, makes us unavailable to others and has no benefit, to us or others.   I am sure those of you who have known me for some time would recall the ‘shy, under confident’ story I had going on.  Up until fairly recently the idea of speaking or performing in a group situation, in public, or teaching terrified me.  Fortunately this is no longer a story I need to tell myself.  I have been fortunate to come across some helpful wise advice, which for me has become a ‘game changer’ as a friend of mine says.
 
While I still feel that sympathetic nervous system response kick in with that increased heart rate, butterflies in the stomach etc. I have learnt to see this as a reminder to:

• Come into the present.  There is no fear or worry in the present
• Not believe those negative thoughts like “I can’t do this, what will they think of me? Etc. and
• Do what needs to be done from that wise spot without that anxiety and fear 
  • When I can get that worried, scared, fearful ‘me’ out of the way I am available to do what needs to be done to benefit others 
  • I can’t be worried about myself and concerned about others at the same time 
  • Choosing to focus on how I can do my best to be of benefit to others dissolves my fear and anxiety about myself
  • If things go wrong I can rest in that kind intention

 
My daughter taught me this several years ago.  She was young, at a new primary school and had to participate in the swimming sports.  She was very nervous and expressed to me her fears, “What if I sink to the bottom of the pool? I can’t dive off the blocks? What if I stop half way, come last, etc. etc.”  How often do we worry about things in the future that have not happened yet? So often I catch myself doing this.   She was working herself into a ‘nervous wreck’ and she was nowhere near the pool.
 
Fortunately I remembered something that might help.  We can’t be worried about ourselves and concerned about helping others at the same time. Together we made a plan for the swimming sports.  We came up with a list of things to do when she got to the sports.  The list included look for friends and younger swimmers who seemed a little nervous and give them a smile or have a chat to them, cheer for every race, support her house and join in the chants, see if the teachers or anyone needed a help with anything, swim her race and do the best she could for her house, etc.  After making the plan to do what was needed when she go to the sports she looking a little brighter; at least she had stopped crying.  I dropped her at school with her plan. 
 
Later that morning I went to watch the sports.  She didn’t know I was there and I watched with relief and joy as I witnessed her putting the plan into action.  She was doing what was needed, chatting, cheering and helping younger swimmers.  She got up to swim her race and looked a little nervous on the blocks.  She dived in and swam her race.  I was so excited and was cheering like mad.   The mother next to me said, “Did your daughter win that race”.  I said, “no, she came last but she is really happy”.  There was lots of laughing going on amongst the swimmers at the end of the pool and I was so happy she was able to get her fear and worry about herself out of the way to do her best to benefit others. She had come out from under her worry rock and swam like a fish. (a relaxed even paced one!)
 
She had realized the secret of her own happiness – letting go of that worry about herself and doing her best to make others happy.  We have been able to share this story recently as she embarked on two new jobs, and I returned to teaching.  We realized we had a choice.  We could worry about ourselves and how it may or may not go and work ourselves into ‘nervous, what about me wrecks’ or we could do our best to present and prepare well, get there and benefit who ever presents,  customers, employers and students. I will share how I applied this in next weeks blog.  Hiding Under a Rock Confessions of a Terrified Teacher and Tapper
Have fun this week letting go of that worry about how things may or may not go and instead use your energy to do your best to be of benefit to others with whatever presents.   
You might want to
Look at the pom-melbourne website

Explore the 'Worry to Wonder' 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you.  This 4 week course can be done

• Individually or
• As a group, with your child, friend, mother or someone else too. Worry to Wonder Women group starts Sunday February 21st - See flyer below  
• It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face Time.

If you feel you would like to know more or enrol for the course please email Maree at pom-melbourne.com  

Maree xx

​The Difference Between Guilt and Regret



The Difference Between Guilt and Regret

Do you know the difference between unhelpful guilt and helpful regret?  I didn't, and somehow I thought it was nobel to feel guilty and bash myself up with criticism and guilt over unkind things I wished I had not done. Last weeks blog was about approving of ourselves without the need of others' approval. This week we will explore how to approve of ourselves when we have done or said something unkind that we are not happy about.  
As I said last week it is helpful to think about the intention behind our actions.  When my intention has been to be kind I can rest in that regardless of the result.  However what about those times when I have not had a kind intention?  The times I let those unhelpful habits lead the way and I have been angry, wanted to get someone back, been righteous, judgmental, selfish, unforgiving, critical, etc.  I cannot rest in my kind intention then, so what do I do?  Feel guilty is not the right answer, although I have done that many times. Feeling guilty is never useful. We have all done things and said things that we wish we hadn't and while it is not useful to ignore these, it is equally unhelpful to berate ourselves because of them.

Guilt is just an excuse to bash ourselves up and do nothing about it.  Guilt is all about me and what a bad person I am, what a terrible thing I have done etc. How is this of any use to anyone? When we are busy with all that negative self talk we are not available to others as well as destroying our peace of mind, confidence and happiness.  

So how do we stop this unhelpful habit of thinking?  We practice regret instead.  With regret we admit we have done something harmful and acknowledged not being happy about having done it. Regret implies the intention to do something to make up for what we have done. When I I have done or said something that I don't feel good about I find it helpful to do these steps instead of indulging in guilt. 

1.  Admit I have done it 

• Rather than indulge in guilt and negative self talk and diminish my self confidence 
• Rather than pretend I have not done it or to blame someone else
• Understand we have all made mistakes, we are all in the same boat. This helps us have compassion for others' mistakes too
• Understand that what goes around comes around
• Understand that this habit is not helping us be the person we want to be and disturbing our peace of mind and happiness 

2. Regret I have done it

• Once we have admitted doing the misdeed we can have healthy regret for having caused harm to ourselves or others. Regret leads onto steps 3, 4 and 5

3.  Make a plan to stop the harmful habit 

4.  Do something to make up for what you regret 

• It can be fun and good for our own peace of mind to think of something kind you can do for the other person and do it, apologise to them or do something kind for someone else to make up for our misdeed
• This simple act helps clear our conscience and brings us peace of mind 

5.  Forgive and be happy

• We all make mistakes and it important that we are able to forgive ourselves and others and move on happily :)

I can remember clearly the first time I tried this and it worked! I was driving across town to a yoga studio to organise a talk.  I ran a yellow light because I was running late. I could see the person trying to turn right was not happy with me and I certainly regretted inconveniencing him and making him angry. I was tempted to play the guilt game and feel bad and continue to bash myself up or to blame the other driver but fortunately I came up with a better plan.  I did the following.

1.  Admitted it 
Yes, I certainly did run the yellow light, I could have stopped 

2.  Regretted it 
Yes, I regretted making it difficult for the other person and now me.  I don't like it when someone does that to me.  

3.  Make a plan to stop that harmful habit
I would be aware of stopping safely when the lights change for
the rest of my trip.  I could do that.

4.  Do something to make up for what I did
I decided to take an opportunity to let someone into the traffic.  It nearly took me till I got home to do this.  But I found someone and was so happy.  I could now have a clear conscience.  

5.  I could forgive myself and others and move on happily  

You might want to

• Look at the pom-melbourne website
• Explore the 'Worry to Wonder' 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you.  This 4 week course can be done individually
• Explore the 'Worry to Wonder Women Group Course' 

Maree xx

Disapproval from others – can I still approve of myself?
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Do you want everyone to like and approve of you?  I think we all do. Last weeks blog How to put the Toothpaste back in the tube was about approving of ourselves when we make mistakes. This week it is about approving of ourselves without the need of others' approval. 

I have had some encouraging feedback regarding my posts and while I have appreciated and enjoyed this I have been aware not to get “too big for my boots” as my mother would say.  It is easy to approve of ourselves, and sometimes even tempting to become smug, when things go right and others are approving.  However it is not so easy when others don’t care and harder still when they are disapproving.  I was speaking with a friend of mine and she mentioned she had been receiving the blogs.  I resisted the temptation to ask “what do you think?” but she told me anyway.  She commented she was busy and did not really have the time to read them.  Here was my not interested person. Could I approve of myself now? Following this another friend whom I respect and admire very much commented that she did not find my blogs that helpful and did not agree with all I had to say.  Here was my disapproving person.   Could I approve of myself now? 
 
It was getting tricky as I felt myself ready to board that negative thought train.  “What do I think I am doing? I have done something wrong. Should I stop writing? I am not qualified, worthy, etc. Or equally unhelpfully "it is her fault". Judgement or blame of myself or others is never helpful  I stopped this thought train and

• Came to the breath and the present 
• Stopped believing those unhelpful thoughts and
• Did my best to act from a wise spot  

What had I learnt that might be of some help here?   Fortunately I have been given some great tools to get me out of tricky situations like this one.  So I will share here what helped me in the hope it may be of use to you or someone you know. 
 
‘One third of people will like you, one third will feel indifferent and one third won’t like you’
Of all those people we encounter one third will like or approve of us, one third will feel neutral or won’t care either way and one third will dislike or disapprove of us.  So it is impossible to have everyone approve or like us.  There is great relief in that as it can be exhausting to try to do the impossible and get everyone on board. Like John Lydgate's saying reminds us “You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time”.  I had my three types of people, approvers, neutrals and disapprovers.  Could I approve of myself knowing this?  Yes I could, if I examined my intention in writing the blog. 
 
Resting in our intention
It is helpful to think about the intention behind our actions.  When our intention has been to be kind we can rest in that regardless of the result.  My intention was to be kind, to share what has been helpful to me.  How this was received and how others responded to it was not in my control.  What was in my control was my intention and how I responded to their response. Instead of hoping on that negative thought train of fear and doubt it is more helpful to 

• Breathe mindfully and came into the present
• Not believe those negative thoughts
• Remember that it is impossible to get everyone to approve of me
• Rest in my kind intention

Having done these steps I could give myself the approval I needed to continue to do my best to benefit those I come across.
 
The secret of my own happiness lies in doing my best to benefit others.  Whether or not I can be of benefit to them is not up to me (the thirds truism), it’s up to them.  It is still important that I see myself do my best to try to help and then let go of the result. It is liberating to get that ‘worried Maree’ who is seeking impossible approval from everybody, out of the way and do my best to share what I have found useful with those that want to know and then let go of outside approval or appreciation.  I can give that approval to myself knowing I have done my best. Peace of mind and happiness are my rewards.

It is interesting to think about times I have not been able to truthfully say I have had a kind intention. Times I have wanted to get someone back, be righteous, judgmental, selfish etc. I cannot rest in my kind intention then, so what do I do? Feel guilty is not the right answer, although I have done that many times.  Lets look at what to do in next weeks blog The difference between guilt and regret. 
  

Maree xx

You might want to

• Look at the pom-melbourne website
• Explore the 'Worry to Wonder' 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you.  This 4 week course can be done individually or together with your child or someone else too.  It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face Time.

If you feel you would like to know more sign up for a free 30 minute phone consultation to see if we seem like a good fit. CLICK HERE

Maree xx