Do you ever overcommit or have unrealistic expectations of yourself and others?   Or do you tend to avoid committing to anything?  I do both, although I think I tend more on the overcommitment .  Last week's blog 'Making Realistic Commitments and Keeping Them'. explored the importance of making realistic commitments and once made doing our best to keep them.  I have found it useful to understand what is underneath my tendency to overcommit and to have unrealistic expectations of myself and others and also why I find it difficult to commit at other times.  Over the next few blogs I will explore this further.  

As I said last week my tendency is to overcommit and take on way too much instead of doing a stock take first and setting more realistic expectations of myself and others too.  I have found it useful, although tricky, to ask myself why I overcommit and many times end up feeling busy, exasperated and at times resentful.  If I am honest with myself I think I have a few unhelpful, previously unconscious, reasons why I do this.   Shining the light on these unhelpful beliefs allows me to work kindly with myself and others in developing more helpful ways to think and be.  
One of these unhelpful beliefs I have found it useful to shine the light on is.........
.   
The 'Cult of Busyness'.  Is busyness something of importance and value?
I have recently started to question the somewhat wacky belief that I have had, (and that our culture seems to support), that being busy somehow makes us important and valued.  As if being busy was somehow a badge of honour. I started noticing how others also seem effected.  I was surprised by how many times I and others responded to "How are you?" with "Busy" as if it was something to be proud of.  Was it such a good thing to be?  Well no, I think being caught up with how important and busy I was making me stressed and unavailable for others.

Busyness as a state of mind  
It is interesting to notice some people can be in a busy flap with seemingly little to do; while others can have lots on and have a calm relaxed manner.  The difference is what is going on in their heads.  How could I remain active and do what needed to be done without that feeling of stress, overwhelm and busyness?  
Some things I have found useful to remember are    

• Be aware of the busyness trap or cult that seems to be supported in our society and make some internal and external changes.  Is being busy such a good thing?  When I take my 'busy important self' out of the equation I am more available to quietly and mindfully do what needs to be done from that unstressed, available more joyful spot.  When I am worried about myself and how busy and important I am I feel stressed and am not so available for others. When I can come into the present I can do what I need to do without the worry and feeling busy.
• Make realistic commitments by doing that stock take of resources.  Again taking that busy stressed me out of the picture and doing my best to do what I have committed to do  without needing to be 'important or busy' and without expectation is helpful in reducing my stress and also making me more available to others.  
• Being aware of that crazy idea of have that I need to work like mad in order to then be able to relax.  This is like running a race at full pelt in order finish exhausted and in need of a  break to recover.  Instead we can run at an even pace and finish feeling refreshed with something in reserve. We need to factor in looking after ourselves and taking rests in order to maintain our efforts.  We can change our minds to set realistic expectations and do our best to achieve these without feeling exhausted, depleted and resentfulful.  
• When I have unrealistic expectations of myself, I usually unconsciously transfer these to others as well.  This causes me to be judgmental of myself and others which is never helpful.  We are all doing our best, with what we have available at the time.  
•  Maybe the next time someone asks you, "How are you?" you may want to avoid saying 'busy'. A friend of mine with young children and a very active, full life in response to "how was you day or weekend?" responds with "full and fun" instead of 'busy'. 

You can look forward to a much improved and less confusing website to be launched on April 1st. I have done my stock take and I do certainly plan to keep this commitment.  
You might want to

• Look at the pom-melbourne website  (please excuse the renovation phase)
• Contact me regarding the  'Worry to Wonder' 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you.  This 4 week course can be done individually or together with your child or someone else too.  It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face Time    

            Email Maree at maree@pom-melbourne.com

• Follow POM on Facebook

Have you ever felt like giving up on a commitment you have made? I did last week.  I have made a commitment to myself (and to others too) to keep up these weekly blogs and to get POM and the Worry to Wonder programme up and running. All of a sudden I was filled with doubt and thought "it's all too hard I think I will give up and crawl back under my rock".

Several things popped up to remind me that was not by best option.  The first was a dear friend who rang to share some family news.  She kindly reminded me of my commitment to share what had helped me.  The second was that lousy feeling I had of letting myself and others down. I have had some lovely support, help and encouragement from others and to get things going and to keep going.  I was forgetting about my commitment and intention to do my best to share and then let go of expectation and approval.  Maybe a reread of Hiding under a Rock - Confessions of a Terrified Teacher and Taper might help me.   

That lousy feeling of not following through on commitments is a familiar one.  I have certainly said many times "lets catch up" without really intending to.  I  have also overcommitted and then not been able to do what I said I would or ran myself and others into the ground trying. Like the times I committed to make jam, sausage rolls, cakes, piñatas, and goodness knows what else for the school fete, with three young children and baby. At times I have made it difficult for others too by overloading them too or equally unhelpfully not sharing the load.  When I have unrealistic expectations of myself I run myself ragged trying to do the impossible job of pleasing everyone. I end up exhausted, exasperated and resentful and often unconsciously put these unrealistically expectations on others.  I am sorry to all those I whipped into a working bee or any other frenzy including baby Alice who ended up all sticky from jam making.  

When I hear myself make a commitment I don't intend to keep or is impossible to keep I hear myself speaking rubbish.  This causes me to feel like rubbish when I don't follow through.  It is not useful to revisit these times in order to bash myself up but rather to think about how I could do things a little more wisely.  I was doing my best with what I knew at the time.  I know a little more now so I will do my best to do a 'better best' now. 

Some things that have helped me keep my commitment to myself and others include

Do a stock take
When someone asks me to do something instead of instantly saying yes, which is certainly my tendency, I try to remember to say "I would love to, I just need to have a think about it and get back to you".  This gives me the time to do a little stock take, to see if I have the resources (time, money, skills or materials) to be able to do do it.  Having made the commitment to get back to them, I do and I give them my considered appropriate, realistic response.  
Doing this stock take avoids
- overcommitment and not following through
- overcommitment and running myself ragged and resentful 
- having unrealistic expectations of myself and others

Understanding and forgiveness when the unavoidable happens
We all have times when we have committed to do something and an unavoidable incident occurs.  Despite our best efforts we are unable to keep our commitment.  Like when our car breaks down, we're sick or our bike gets stolen mid delivery.  Interestingly I have had two times this week when I had planned to meet friends and this hasn't happened. That can and does happen.  Instead of blame, judgment and holding a grudge against ourselves or others it is more helpful to show honesty, respect, understanding and forgiveness of others and ourselves.  It may also be useful to remember The difference between guilt and regret.   

Avoid making false promises
I try to be aware of making comments like "lets catch up for a coffee" if I don't have an intention or plan to do so.  If I do suggest it I do my best to make a time and follow through.

Having made the commitment to myself and others to keep doing these weekly blogs and to get POM and the Worry to Wonder programme up and running here I am back this week with renewed enthusiasm. You can look forward to a much improved and less confusing website to be launched on April 1st.  This is not an April Fools joke, I have done my stock take and I do certainly plan to keep this commitment.  
You might want to

• Look at the pom-melbourne website  (please excuse the renovation phase)
• Contact me regarding the  'Worry to Wonder' 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you.  This 4 week course can be done individually or together with your child or someone else too.  It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face Time    

            Email Maree at maree@pom-melbourne.com

• Follow POM on Facebook

In last week’s blog ‘Creating a Great First Impression: Eye Contact, how to make it.’ we explored some tips to help with connecting with others in social situations. Here are some more in this week’s blog.
 
Conversations are a 2-way sharing
A conversation is a two-way sharing and involves give and take. It has taken me some time to get the whole give and take thing. I am quite good at giving to others whether it is material things, my time or attention or a listening ear.  But I am not so good at receiving or giving others the opportunity to give to me. I think this is because I sometimes don’t feel worthy of the gift or that I want to be in control and a giving hog.  How does this attitude help anyone?  It doesn’t – it is selfish and denies others the pleasure in giving. We all know how good it feels to be able to give a gift, our time to help or to listen to someone. When we don’t allow others the opportunity to do this it is all about us and we are denying them this beautiful giving opportunity. I have done this when someone has kindly given me something and I have said unhelpful things like

• “You shouldn’t have bought that for me” or “that is so unnecessary”
• “No thanks I don’t need your help, I can do it”
• To myself “I won’t bore them with telling them all about me I will just keep giving them my attention and asking them questions about themselves.”

When I do this, others feel lousy instead of feeling good about being kind and generous. So instead give others the opportunity to give and be grateful.  It makes us all happy.
 
Wow this just happened and I did not do so well.  A friend just offered to drive me to a meeting. Without thinking I dismissed their kind offer and said, “No thanks, I can walk”.  I saw the look of disappointment on their face, which alerted me to what I had just done, whoops. I then said “thank you so much, that would be great.”  They looked happy and I had learnt a great lesson.  When I got to the meeting a friend kindly offered to buy my coffee. A little more tuned in this time I responded “thanks so much that would be lovely”.  I am still learning about how it is not helpful to deny others the opportunity to help and give to me!  So happy to be sharing these blogs, it is such a great reminder for me. Thank you all.
 
This attitude of not allowing others to give to us is never helpful. In social situations while I understand that it is good to get my self-interest out of the way (and not go on and on about me) to be of benefit others, I can take it too far.  When I tell myself I don’t matter and I need to make it all about the other person I am forgetting two things

• The first is when I say to myself 'I don’t matter and don’t have anything interesting to say' it is more about me. I can’t be available for others if I am worried about myself. When I go on and on about me to others or myself in a positive or negative way I am not tuned into their needs. 
• The second equally unhelpful thing I often forget is, when I do not give others the opportunity to give me their attention and listen to me, I am denying them the opportunity to give.  We can’t share together. What really helps is to be curious without judgment of others and ourselves (not not good enough, boring etc.). This gives us all the opportunity to be givers and takers, both.  As discussed in the previous blogs, responding to, “how are you?” with an open response and using eye contact are great ways to connect with others.

Lets explore a third helpful tip now
Creating a Great First Impression  
Tip 3.  Be Curious, without judgment
We are all different and have many unique, interesting and sometimes unusual passions and talents. Often we do not get the opportunity to share these with others because no one ever asks about them.  It is fun to share what lights us up with others and have them share with us too.   
 
We miss many great opportunities to get to know people because we slap a label on them and don’t give them or ourselves the opportunity to share our passions. When we are curious about others, without judgment or criticism they feel safe to share their passions with us and we can share what brings us joy with them too.
 
I have found out some really interesting things I never knew about friends, both new and old, by doing this. Friends that love Latin dancing, mosaic, growing vegies, chooks, the Seekers, motor bike riding with their sons, the share market, knitting, bagpipes and writing. They might not be my ‘thing’, but it is great to share what lights them up and for me to share too.  When we bring a non-judgmental, curiosity to our interactions with others we allow all to feel safe to share (remember it is a two 2 way give and take). Others have learnt some interesting things about me too, when I share and give them the opportunity to be curious non-judgmental listeners!
What fun we can have connecting to others. Who knows whom we will meet and what interesting things we will discover about them and ourselves too.  
You might want to

• Look at the pom-melbourne website
• Explore the 'Worry to Wonder' 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you.  This 4 week course can be done individually or together with your child or someone else too.  It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face Time     
• Click on the image below for more information

In last week’s blog ‘Creating a Great First Impression: Getting Past,  How are you? we explored some tips to help with connecting with others in social situations.  Here, in this week's blog  are some more things you may want to consider.  
 
The Changing nature of our relationships
It is so easy and tempting to slap a label on someone we meet and write them off without a chance.  We often sum them up in the first few seconds, even before they have uttered a word.  A psychologist friend told me in my first job 30 years ago that when we ASSUME it makes an ass of you and me.  So true, how often I have foolishly labeled potential friend, uninteresting person or foe and made an ass of me and them.     
 
However when we think about it our relationships with others are continually changing.  Some of our friends today were once neutral people we did not know well or maybe even our enemies previously.  Someone I admire greatly who is now a good friend was once someone I had little time for.  Given this changing nature of our relationships it is helpful to try to treat all people we meet equally and to do our best to be friendly and have a non-judgmental curiosity rather than judging, labeling and assuming.  As we explored last week we can start the process of getting to know someone by doing our best to be friendly and have that non-judgmental curiosity by revealing more than ‘good' when we are asked how we are.  Another way to connect is understand how to use eye contact in a helpful way. 
 
Creating a Great First Impression 
Tip 2.  Eye Contact, how to make it
We all know the importance of eye contact and how nice it is to have that contact with others.  Recently I was interested to read about the ‘rules of eye contact’.  I am sorry I cannot give credit to the source because I can't recall it.  I have not understood how to feel comfortable with eye contact and I am thankful for this information, which has freed me up to be comfortable with this beautiful way to connect to others.  The rules are

• When you are the listener never break eye contact with the person who is speaking (blink, relax, smile etc. of course - adding this because I tend to take rules way too seriously sometimes J)

This really helps the other person know you are engaged and interested. However you do not need to be staring and listening intensely the whole time.  Conversation is a two way sharing, as we will discuss next week. So as the listener make eye contact, be curious without judgment and see where things go. 

• When you are the speaker it is OK to break eye contact.  In fact it is very helpful to do so to.  A glance away often gives us the space necessary to construct what we want to say next

I have found these rules very helpful as I had many misunderstandings about eye contact and often felt uncomfortable and am sure made others uneasy too.  Give it a go and see what you think, you may find it helpful too. 

You might want to

• Look at the pom-melbourne website
• Explore the 'Worry to Wonder' 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you.  This 4 week course can be done individually or together with your child or someone else too.  It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face Time     
• Click on the image below for more information​

​
​

• Email Maree at maree@pom-melbourne.com
• Follow POM on Facebook

Do you ever feel awkward in new social situations? At times I think we all do.  It can be tricky meeting others for the first time.  But, it doesn’t need to be.  I am very grateful to those who have shared some very helpful tips to help with these situations and am going to share these over the next three blog posts. 
 
We all have many opportunities to meet new people.  In our family this year there have been many such new situations, starting university, moving to new countries, new jobs, weddings, travel, parties, funerals, everyday activities like shopping, to name a few. 
Some general things I find useful to remember about the opportunities connecting with others brings are……
 
1.  The Thirds Thingo
In a previous blog ‘Disapproval from others can I still approve of myself?’ we explored what I call the ‘thirds thingo.’  The idea that of all those people we encounter one third will like or approve of us, one third will feel neutral or won’t care either way and one third will dislike or disapprove of us.  This is helpful to allow us to let go of that unrealistic expectation of having everyone we meet like and approve of us.  When we understand this and can honestly say we had a kind intention we are free to let go of judgment of others and ourselves and approve of ourselves regardless of how they have responded to us. 
 
When we have a kind intention, we can rest in that and let go of the result.  We have done our best.  What is a kind intention when we meet others?   It is simply to be friendly and to connect and share with them without judgment.  I think we would all like to be met that way.  Like us all, at times I have been unable to rest in this kind intention. Because I didn’t understand the importance of my choice to be friendly, kind and non-judgmental, I have not always been able to rest in my kind intention.  It may be helpful to have a look at ‘The Difference Between Guilt and Regret’ blog.
 
Creating a Great First Impression  
Tip 1.  Avoiding that awkward “How are you? Good, How are you? Good”. 
 
Often our first question when we first meet someone is to ask, “How are you?” They usually answer with a “good or well thanks and how are you?” Sometimes  this is a casual “How are you?” when we are moving on, like when we pass someone in the street.  In these situations it may be appropriate to answer with a a simple "well thanks, how are you?" However it is  helpful to remember to wait for a reply and allow the other person to ask you the same. 
 
In social situations when we meet someone and are wanting to engage in conversation you might like to explore responding to that first "How are you?" a little differently and more openly. .  If we respond with “good” or “well” this close response can halt the conversation and leave it with nowhere to go.  It is  like starting a ping-pong match and then the ball goes missing.
I came across an easy helpful tip to use when we are in a social situation and it is appropriate to progress the conversation beyond “How are you?” Instead of saying, “good, well, sick or tired” you might want to give a little more information to allow the conversation to open up.  You might want to put the feeling in context so you can share something about yourself to make a connection and allow the other person to do the same.  Some examples might be

• Good thanks, but a bit tired I have walked a long way to get here.  This opens up the possibility of discussing where you have walked from, why you walked etc.  And then, “How are you?”
• Good thanks; relieved to get to Friday, it’s been a big week at work.  This opens up where you work, what a big week is etc.  And then, “How are you?”
• Good thanks; I am a bit excited to be finished school and at Uni.  This opens up why it is exciting, which school, course etc.  And then “How are you?”
• Good thanks, a bit sad though I just said farewell to a friend who is moving overseas.   This opens up about the friend, where going etc.  And then “How are you?”
• Good thanks, a bit frustrated though my 13 year old is testing my patience. This opens up about the family and all those joys and frustrations etc.  And then “How are you?”

 
Get the idea?  I am sure you do.  A couple of things I like to remember are

• You don’t need to disclose anything you are not comfortable to.  Say whatever feels right.  All you are doing is giving the conversation somewhere to go and giving yourself and the other person an opportunity to share.  

• Even when things are not going so well it is good to remain a bit upbeat; especially if you are meeting someone for the first time.  It may be appropriate and important to acknowledge a feeling like tired, sick or a bit sad, but no one wants to listen to us go on and on about a particular problem or negativity. There are other appropriate contexts for this.
• Ask the other person ‘How they are?” too.  Because you have opened things up and had an opportunity to tell them how you are and a bit about you give them the opportunity to do the same.  So ask them how they are and allow them to provide the information, which leads you to enquire more. 

 
Have fun giving this a go.  You may find out all sorts of interesting information about those you know well and those you don’t know so well. 
You might want to

• Look at the pom-melbourne website
• Explore the 'Worry to Wonder' 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you.  This 4 week course can be done individually or together with your child or someone else too.  It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face Time     
• Click on the image below for more information

• Email Maree at maree@pom-melbourne.com
• Follow POM on Facebook