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This fortnight I have continued to enjoy being more aware of unhelpful habits (working with curiosity, rather than judgement), and replacing them with more helpful habits.
As I said last blog when I am aware of judgment and or conflict within myself and or with others, I try to remember to let it go with curiosity and a helpful slogan like "Oh my funny mind - there it goes again'. This helps me prevent further judgement. And then work to promote peace, beginning with myself. Helpful reminders for me are embroidered slogans on tea towels, aprons and hankies. My friend Kate (who's Birthday is today! Happy Birthday Kate!) inspired me in craftiest slogan embroidering with a tea towel she embroidered for me in 2011! It reads "Never Let A Good Disaster Go To Waste' - Lama Marut 2011". It is a favourite of mine and reminds me to look for the lessons in 'so called' disasters. I am sure Kate or Hilary would be happy to embroider a slogan tea-towel for you - email me here. Lately I have been aware of conflict and have been wanting to promote peace and peace of mind. I have been reminded of some peaceful slogans when I have been tempted to either attack back, suppress or be inactive. I have been reminded that 'peace begins with me' and as Pema Chodron says "Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world." And as Gandhi reminds us 'an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind". So how do I let 'peace begin with me'? I have been trying to continue to remember to be curious and use the formula I have been finding useful. I was working at the Mission Winter Breakfast last Friday. I was serving the tea and coffee. A tricky customer cam in for the second week in a row. He is rather particular about the way he likes his tea and feels the need to instruct and sample in what could be perceived as a demanding way. I was ready for him, armed with curiosity and kindness! He said 'not you again' on seeing me and then asked for his tea hot this time!. I told him the tea was particularly strong and would he like some hot water in it. He said 'no, I just want it hot with not too much milk' and asked me to let him try it. I made the tea and handed it over. He was very cross and exclaimed 'that is not tea, it is coffee! Make me a tea with a tea bag' he demanded! I knew it was tea, but rather than engage in an argument about who was right and who was wrong I remembered Lama Marut's words. 'Would you rather be right or be kind'? I opted for kind and let it go. I went off to find a tea bag, when he yelled impatiently 'you will take too long, don't worry about it, I will take the bloody coffee'! So here is the ABC formula I have been finding helpful to tune into and turn up the kind, encouraging voice and promote peace......... . 1. When there is conflict..............(I have not got the tea/coffee right!) 1. ACCEPT the feeling - frustration and conflict happening AND AVOID............ a). UNHELFUL REACTION............. Attacking myself - 'This is terrible, I am hopeless at making tea'..Letting that destructive attacking voice take over. Attacking him - with blame and criticism regarding his behaviour b). SUPPRESSION THE FEELING Ignoring the frustration. Instead accept and Remember it has come as a reminder to be kind to me (let peace begin with me) 2. BREATH and tune into the kind, encouraging angel voice 3. Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what is missing - the encouragement and kindness! (I would give it to a friend, so why not give it to myself?) Again remembering Brene Brown wise words 'Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love'. So, I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, angel voice gave myself some kind, friendly encouragement. I said to myself 'you are doing a good job, you are lovely Maree'! This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do - do my best to make the tea and be kind and peaceful to both myself and kind and compassionate to him. I have no idea what is going on in his life. As Pema Chodron says 'Compassion for others begins with kindness to yourself'. I could have said to him 'please be kind.' (full stop) to remind myself and him of kindness. I can remember doing this with teenage kids in the midst of conflict. The trick is to say it and let go of the expectation for it to have an immediate change, and instead trust both you and others have heard it. Another customer came in a short time later. Would you believe his words of greeting to us were 'What a great job you are doing - you are all so lovely'! I was amazed to hear my kind, encouraging words to myself expressed word for word! Again I felt very grateful for everything including my wonderful teachers and the lesson to reduce inner conflict and judgement and give myself the kindness and peace that appeared to be missing! Then I can then let this peace flood the world, as Pema says. I was very grateful for this lesson to 'be kind to me' and then 'let this help me have compassion for others'. Here are some self talk slogans I find helpful to replace some of those unhelpful attack ones. Maybe you will find them helpful too.
When I can be kind, encouraging friend to myself and reduce that internal conflict I can be available to be kind and compassionate to others too! As Pema Chodron says 'Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world'. We will explore some more helpful slogans next blog. With love and my very best well wishes to you all Maree xx
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Last blog we explored increasing our awareness of unhelpful habits and working with curiosity, rather than judgement, to replace them with more helpful habits. I was interested to read that Megan Watterson considers curiosity to be a form of compassion. This is so true! Rather than be critical or judgmental of yourself and others you can instead bring a sense of curiosity to whats happening. When judgment of myself and others comes up I try to remember to let it go with curiosity and a helpful slogan like "Oh my funny mind - there it goes again'. This helps me prevent further judgement.
Last week I lost my wallet, complete with credit cards, cash, driver's licence and other things! I had the opportunity to be aware of my self-critical, destructive habit as I was tempted to go into panic mode! I was aware that the inner voice, the destructive one on my right shoulder start up 'How could you be so stupid and irresponsible, Someone was going to take off with all my money, steal my identity. Once again, I was on the way to working myself into a nervous wreck. As my friend Shadi reminds me - Curiosity rather than judgment is so useful. How are any of those judgmental, fearful thoughts of any use? No! And as Byron Katie says they are simply not true. So often we head to that fear of the future when there is simple no need. Everything is perfectly ok when we bring ourselves back into the present moment. Our fear and worry exist in times that don't. - the future that has not come yet and the past that has already gone. So some breaths back to the present and curiosity needed here. So I remembered to be curious and use the formula I have been finding useful. 1. ACCEPT the feeling - fear and stress are happening AND AVOID............ a). UNHELFUL REACTION............. This is terrible, I am in suck trouble, I am so stupid....Letting that destructive attacking voice take over. b). SUPPRESSION THE FEELING Ignoring the anxiety. Instead accept and Remember it has come as a reminder to .....A blog that might be useful is stress as a friend. 2. BREATH and tune into the kind, encouraging angel voice 3. Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what is missing - the encouragement and kindness! (I would give it to a friend, so why not give it to myself?) Again remembering Brene Brown wise words 'Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love'. So, I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, angel voice gave myself some kind, friendly encouragement. I said to myself 'that can happen - it doesn't mean that I am irresponsible, or stupid, worry is not going to help, As Lama Marut says worry is never any use. If you can do something about a concern, do it and don't worry. If you cant do anything about it, don't worry. This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do - look for the wallet and suspend my credit cards. Would you believe my wallet turned up 2 evenings later. It had fallen off my lap onto the road next to the driver's side door. A kind passer by had placed it on the bonnet of the car near the windscreen. Amazingly the wallet travelled to and from Glen Waverley and then onto Carlton where one of Alice's friends found it while helping her unpack the car. I felt very grateful for everything including my wonderful teachers and the 'be kind to me' lesson. Here are some self talk slogans I find helpful to replace some of those unhelpful attack ones. Maybe you will find them helpful too. 1. When things go wrong..............(I have lost my wallet!) Turn up that kind, encouraging voice .......
And of course remember to be that kind, encouraging friend to others too! As Pema Chodron says 'Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world'. We will explore some more helpful slogans next blog. With love and my very best well wishes to you all Maree xx Have you ever wondered about that voice in your head? The one that seems to be there all the time. A helpful analogy I learnt from Lama Marut is that that voice is like a radio station. Sometimes it is tuned to a pleasant enjoyable radio station and other times there is a lot of static and unpleasant talk going on.
Another helpful analogy Lama Marut taught, related to this self-talk, is that is it is like having a couple of little people perched on each of our shoulders. On one shoulder is the critical, nagging, negative, task master voice (that is the unpleasant radio station) The second voice is the kind encouraging friend voice. (that is the enjoyable station or the angel voice). At times that critical, negative voice is so loud and bossy we can't even hear the friendly, kind voice on the other shoulder over the din! We get so habituated to believe and reinforce that critical voice (that is not true) and that is how it gets so loud, attacking and bossy. Angels have always been a bit of a mystery to me. I love seeing them depicted in religious painting, yet have felt confused by their meaning. Harvard Theologian Meggan Waterstone's definition of an angel has helped my understanding. She says 'an angel is simply a thought that lifts us up from out of ourselves, from out of those cages the ego would prefer for us to remain within". For me that kind, encouraging angel voice on the left shoulder is the one that lifts me up by speaking the truth of love. It is the one I want to turn the volume up and listen to. So how do I turn up that kind, encouraging voice so that it becomes the radio station I love to listen to instead of letting that the destructive, unkind one that seems out to get me dominate? Awareness is key. I had the experience a couple of weeks ago where I was onto this self-critical, destructive habit. I was feeling unsure about a discussion group I was leading that evening. I had done all the preparation and was seemingly ready. About an hour before the class I had doubt about my ability to teach the class. I was aware that the inner voice, the destructive one on my right shoulder was getting louder. "Do you think you are qualified to take this group? You are not an amazing teacher like ........" There is more but I will spare you the details. I was working myself into a nervous wreck. Woooo, such unhelpful habits - judging myself as not good enough', unrealistic expectations, and comparing myself to others. How are any of those judgmental, attack thoughts of any use? And they are simply not true. So I remembered to be curious and use the formula I have been finding useful. 1. ACCEPT the feeling - stress, doubt are happening AND AVOID............ a). UNHELFUL REACTION............. This is terrible, I am not qualified, good enough ....Letting that destructive attacking voice take over. b). SUPPRESSION THE FEELING Ignoring the anxiety. Instead accept and Remember it has come as a reminder to ..... 2. BREATH and tune into the kind, encouraging angel voice 3. Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what is missing - the encouragement and kindness! (I would give it to a friend, so why not give it to myself?) Brene Brown says 'Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love'. So, I know it may sound a little crazy but I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, angel voice gave myself some kind, friendly encouragement. I said to myself 'you have done your best to prepare for this class, how it will be received is not in your control, you have no need to compare yourself to others. This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do - teach the class. We will explore some more helpful self talk slogans to replace some of those unhelpful ones next blog! So it is just a matter of changing those untrue, destructive thought patters into more helpful ones. A work in progress that takes practice. With awareness we can remember to insert a new soundtrack, a much more helpful one, to replace the self criticism. Amazingly as I was preparing for this class my daughter was playing a song by Michael Hurley entitled 'Be Kind to Me' . The song begins with lyrics 'Why be mean when you can be nice'? This was a very timely reminded to 'be kind to me'. With love and my very best well wishes to you all Maree xx |
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