As I said last blog my focus has been on allowing and accepting all the feelings that are popping up. And acknowledge which part of me is experiencing them and needs my love. I love the quote by Kim McMillan which reminds me do just this.
When I loved myself enough….. I learned to ask ‘who in me is feeling this way?’ When I feel anxious, angry, restless and sad. If I listen patiently, I discover who needs my love. Would you believe the other day I opened Kim’s small book to discover another quote that was so apt for how I was feeling. It read…… When I loved myself enough……. I could remember, during times of confusion, struggle or grief that those too are a part of me and deserve my love. So, these times of uncertainty, loss, confusion and struggle are an opportunity to explore internally, with curiosity and compassion. It is so tempting to push down these feeling and to look for something to fill the gap that loss leaves and miss the opportunity. The anonymous quote below has helped me to stop, trust and wait during these times! This is something I find tricky to do as I am so tempted to dive head first into my next care taking project. So instead I trying to remember to….. Trust and wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible I am trying to remember to keep checking in with my wise self often for what to do, what I need in any moment and what I want to create more of in my life. This connection is so important and well wort the time and effort to strengthen and trust. I am grateful for this internal guide and also my external guides and all the wonderful guidance, support and love they give me. Heartfelt thanks to you all. Loss is a timely reminder of the finality and uncertainty of life, that time runs out and to focus on what is important and what has meaning. It is up to each of us to find our own meaning. Loss is an opportunity to explore this internally and not be tempted to miss this chance, by busyness. I am talking to myself here. Before losing both my parents, relatively recently I didn’t realize just what it means and how deep emotions can run. As my friend Shadi reminded me this is a lifelong connection and when it’s gone it is not replaceable. That said, I feel very fortunate indeed to have many valuable resources both internally and externally to help me through this time of loss. I now understand how important it is to be present, conscious, connected to and supportive of both others who have lost people close to them and ourselves. Many times, I have not known what to do or say to others who have experienced loss. I still often don’t really! A card I received from my friend Pip expresses it beautifully. It reads – ‘wrapping you in love at a time when words fall short.’ So, while I am tempted to give myself a hard time for often being busy and unavailable to others and myself during times of loss, I am moving forward to try to remember to be more present connected and available and more accepting and appreciative of the kindness of others. I am trying to remember to take time to be available for both others and myself! Time to share special moments and memories and be grateful for everyday and the little things. I can remember nearly 30 years ago now when our twin boys were born very prematurely and had a huge struggle to remain alive, I made a promise to myself to never take them for granted. I’d like to be mindful to remember this goes for everyone and everything. So instead of being tempted to jump right back into things and make myself busy I am taking this time to…..
My husband and I are flying to NSW today (not Sydney – phew) today. Who knows where we will end up, who knows we might get to Queensland. I am grateful for this break and I will be doing my best to remember to keep these 6 points in mind. With love, appreciation and very best well wishes to us all Maree xx
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This past month has been somewhat of an emotional ocean. Fortunately, the seas have not been as wild as they may have been due to some great supports, that I am so grateful to have.
One reminder that I have found invaluable during this time. is to see and accept all aspects of myself and others, not just the ones I like, but also the ones I want to hide and push away. By seeing and accepting even those 'so called negative aspects or emotions and understanding they are coming up both externally in others and internally in me, to be healed, helps enormously. In the beautiful words of Kim McMillan When I loved myself enough…….. I learned to ask ‘who in me is feeling this way?’ when I feel anxious, angry, restless or sad. If I listen patiently, I discover who needs my love. I find it useful to say 'a part of me feels' .....................(jealous, sad or angry) both internally and externally. By honestly seeing and accepting all my feelings and remembering they are a call for love helps me to remember not to suppress them or express them in unhealthy ways. So with those words as my guiding light I did my best to write a non-eulogy to honour and respect all, including all our feelings. So here it is .................. 'Well as you may know I am under strict guidelines from Mum to say the Lord’s Prayer and one other thing that is not to be about her. So, I will do my best to follow those guidelines and respect her wishes while honouring us all, our feelings and our freedom to honour, accept and express them. I found an advertisement along with the instructions upon her death, it read ‘No fuss cremations – no funeral, no flowers, no mourners’. However, I want to feel free to mourn – to show sorrow for the death of Mum and I also want to feel free to accept all the other feelings that pop up as well. I want to honour and accept them all - the so called ‘good’ and the ‘bad’. As we all know Mum was a very pragmatic person and did not want today to be a funeral with fuss, flowers, or fanfare. However, she did want it to be about family – so here we all are sharing this occasion either in person or by reading this. Mum passed away peacefully on Saturday the 22nd of May – 15 months to the day after Dad. The care and love she received at the Alfred was wonderful and we are all extremely grateful to all the staff for all they did to make this difficult process as gentle as possible. We are also extremely grateful for the care and love she received from family – every one of us. I wanted my presence with her to be a comfort so I was careful of what I said as I did not want upset her. However, I did my best to privately honour and accept my whole backstory of memories and emotions. When I talked about her family, all of you, and her job in creating us all I did not get the eye roll (which I eventually got to see with some humour and affection.) Her life was meaningful because of her biggest achievement – her family – every one of you. She died knowing she had done her best to create our family – a job well done. She loved and loves us all and I am sure in her unique way was so proud of every one of us too. I am sure, like me, you loved her too and are so grateful for all she did and who she was. A part of me feels also relieved and happy she is now at peace. And yet another part of me feels a sense of freedom. Go Well with our love Mum I just want wanted to share another couple of things – a small quote by Kim McMillan and two quotes from Meggan Watterson. I know I have broken the ‘read one thing rule’ Mum but they are not about you, so I hope there is not too much eye rolling and stop the ‘bullshit’ going on. I have had a so many feelings and memories pop up – I have found much comfort and direction in these quotes over the past while. Kim McMillan When I loved myself enough…….. I learned to ask ‘who in me is feeling this way?’ when I feel anxious, angry, restless or sad. If I listen patiently, I discover who needs my love. Meggan Watterson When we can face what we think is dark or negative about us – I mean really embrace it and see it for what it is (a beautiful broken place that’s a call for love) then we can emerge more whole. We can see our own hot mess and not be sabotaged by it. We have nothing to hide. See and accept all that you are. Meggan Watterson The energy of a Mother’s love can travel to meet you anywhere – whether within the world or within your own heart. The message is that she is here. You are mothered. Ask for what you need. Assume the simplicity, the heart, and the humility of a child and ask for a sign that she is here. We will be met with more love than we could ever imagine. And love is always the greatest and most powerful energy of protection. Thank you to all my amazing Teachers for all their invaluable teachings - I would be lost at sea without you all. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you. And thank you all for your friendship, support and love. With love, appreciation and very best well wishes to us all Maree xx |
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