How can we stop comparing ourselves to others? As we said in last weeks blog post, Comparing Who and How? we compare ourselves to friends, online friends, siblings, neighbours, celebrities, workmates, fellow students or anyone, in many different ways. This habit of comparing ourselves to others is often a well-established, unconscious pattern.
We are all certainly unique and have different qualities, talents, interests and experiences that help to shape who we are. We have no need to compare our unique qualities with those of others in an effort to feel superior or inferior. Doing so is detrimental to our happiness and confidence. Have you thought about who, and how you compare yourself to others and how this makes you feel? Have you considered the difference between humility and inferiority?
So how can we stop this harmful habit of comparing ourselves to others?
Instead of complaining or being resentful about others good fortune see it as proof of what is possible and celebrate with them – by being happy with them you can pile onto their happiness. The fact that someone else has what you want is not cause for complaint or resentment. It is proof that it is possible and a cause to celebrate and join in on their happiness. Have friendliness toward the joy of others.
Instead use this as an opportunity to think about how it would feel to be in that situation and have some compassion for their misfortune and gratitude for your situation. When you see misfortune, instead of comparing, have compassion for their situation and gratitude for yours.
What matters is doing your best to be a kind positive force in the world. Your confidence comes from within, not from what you have, what you’ve done or approval from others. So do your best to be that positive, kind force in the world and give yourself encouragement, love and approval. Instead of comparing yourself to others and finding lack – do your best to be the best you can. Boost your own confidence by thinking about and being grateful for all those kind, helpful, thoughtful, successful things you have done (and others are doing too) no matter how big or small. Instead of comparing yourself and finding yourself wanting, count your blessings and remember all that you have to be grateful for. Want to connect? - Get started now by - Clicking on the image below to do the free 'Peace of Happiness' three day course Visiting http://www.pom-melbourne.com/courses.html to find out about courses or Email me so we make a time to have a chat maree@pom-melbourne.com Maree xx
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How do you compare yourself to others? As we said in last weeks blog post No Need to Compare, we compare ourselves to friends, online friends, siblings, neighbors, celebrities, workmates, fellow students or anyone, in many different ways. We compare ourselves as fatter, thinner, smarter, funnier, more popular or attractive. This habit of comparing ourselves to others is often a well-established, unconscious pattern. This comparing can involve focusing on others’ upside and our downside or the reverse. We can compare ourselves and conclude others are more or less popular, attractive, smart, successful or talented than us. Unhelpfully we can lead us to feel either superior or inferior, both of which undermine our confidence and happiness. We are all certainly unique and have different qualities, talents, interests and experiences that help to shape who we are. We have no need to compare our unique qualities with those of others in an effort to feel superior or inferior. Doing so is detrimental to our happiness and confidence. Have you been thinking about what attributes you have been gifted with and how you can do your best to have fun and share them to benefit others? Comparing yourself to others in any way is harmful to your self-confidence and won’t make you feel good about yourself. How do we compare ourselves to others? We compare ourselves to others by
Feeling good or finding entertainment in others misfortune is equally unhelpful. Again this quickly causes us to feel yucky. Enjoying the misfortunes of others is toxic to our self-esteem. Compassion is the only kind response to any pain.
When we focus on what is going wrong, our weaknesses or ways we are not as good as others we undermine our confidence. Instead when we choose to pay attention to what is going right, our unique gifts and strengths and how we can use these to be of benefit to others, our confidence and happiness grows. Humility and Inferiority There is a difference between humility and inferiority. Inferiority is unkind. It is when we put ourselves down. Humility on the other hand is the absence pride or feeling better than others, however it is not about feeling worse than others. Humility involves not taking yourself too seriously, being able to laugh warmheartedly when we make mistakes. Being able to laugh at yourself enhances your confidence. Mocking yourself destroys it. Inferiority, criticizing, mocking or belittling yourself like pride and will erode your confidence. Understand the difference between humility and inferiority. Pride and inferiority both involve comparing ourselves to others (pride as better and inferiority as worse). Both are unkind and harmful. Humility is doing your best without comparison. Humility will nurture your self-esteem and inferiority will destroy it. Make efforts to do your best to be better for others and not better thanothers - this promotes confidence and happiness for all. Next week - Comparing - How Can I Stop?
Do you ever compare yourself to others? We compare ourselves to friends, online friends, siblings, neighbors, celebrities, workmates, fellow students, anyone. We compare as fatter, thinner, smarter, funnier, more popular or attractive. I am here on this fabulous retreat with all these amazing people who can sing, dance, and teach yoga, philosophy and more! I have been tempted to compare myself to them and feel inadequate. Fortunately I am aware of the detrimental effect on my happiness and confidence when I compare myself and my qualities, and life with others. My well worn habit of comparing and deciding, ‘I am not good enough’ or to a lesser degree ‘I am better’ is unhelpful, untrue and detrimental to my happiness and confidence.
So instead of feeling 'not good enough' I decided to focus on my talents and share them with others – I enjoy service and the home crafts, so I had fun setting up for our graduation party - I enjoyed setting tables, decorating and cleaning up too. I love writing and shared a story and sang Walzing Matilda with my friend Kate at the open mic. session. We called ourselves the non-singing singers and had great fun sharing and making others feel happy and appreciative of their singing ability. The habit of comparing ourselves to others is often a well-established pattern from childhood. Our school system encourages this competition and comparison through grading and ranking, mostly to help to evaluate effective teaching methods. Also within families there may be a tendency for parents to, often unknowingly, compare their children or for siblings themselves to compare themselves to each other. Many of us are frequently comparing ourselves to others, often unconsciously. As a friend of mine says it is like we are doing accounting in our minds. This comparing can involve focusing on others’ upside and our downside. It can also be about focusing on others’ downside and our upside in order to try to make ourselves feel better. We can compare ourselves and conclude others are more or less popular, attractive, smart, successful or talented than us. This comparison can lead us to feel either superior or inferior. Others are doing the same, to others and maybe even us! Comparing and thinking that others’ lives and attributes are either worse than or better than ours is untrue, destructive to our self-esteem and confidence and a waste of time We are all certainly unique and have different qualities, talents, interests and experiences that help to shape who we are. We have no need to compare our unique qualities with those of others in an effort to feel superior or inferior. Doing so, is detrimental to our happiness and confidence. We replace self-doubt with confidence when we focus on our unique strengths, rather than weaknesses or comparing yourself to others and thinking you are better or worse. When we stop comparing ourselves to others we can appreciate our unique qualities and use them to benefit others. What unique gifts and talents do you have to share to be a positive force in the world? Maybe you are good at singing, non-singing, dancing, smiling, laughing, cooking, fixing things, maths, doing dishes, listening, painting, art, being a friend, caring for a pet, walking the dog, writing, being kind or woodwork. There is a friend on this retreat that has one of those infectious laughs - what a beautiful gift she had to bring joy. If you are having trouble thinking of your gifts, ask someone who is close to you. And you can have fun sharing their positive qualities with them too. Whatever attributes you have been gifted with, do your best to have fun and share them with others, in order to be of benefit. This will make you happier more confident, and better for others and not better than others. Comparing ourselves to others is an unhelpful habit we can change to promote our own and others confidence and happiness . With wise understanding we can take control of our lives, stop this comparing and learn more helpful kind ways of thinking to promote confidence and emotional well being. We can learn that these subconscious habits of comparing are untrue and detrimental to our confidence and well-being and how to change them .I would love to explore this further. Lets share more in the next two blog posts – Next week - Comparing - Who and How? The following week - Comparing - How Can I Stop? Want to connect - Get started now by - Clicking on the image below to do the free 'Peace of Happiness' three day course Visiting http://www.pom-melbourne.com/courses.html to find out about courses or Email me so we make a time to have a chat maree@pom-melbourne.com Maree xx
Sometimes it takes guts to speak our truth, to be gentle and kind. As discussed in the Speaking Your Truth Kindly blog sometimes it is tricky to speak our truth without harming ourself and others. Our emotions can be strong and can lead us to express ourselves in unhelpful ways. Remembering wise speech really helps with this.
Asking ourselves these important questions, before we speak our truth both to ourselves and others really helps prevent and change unhelpful habits 1. Is it True? - not exaggerated or out of context. For example - 'you 'never' do anything around the house'. 'you 'always'....' 2. Is it Well intended/Kind? - What is my intention in saying this? Is it to help the other person or all about my need to be mean, bossy, right or approved of 3. Is it Necessary? 4. Is it timely? - Is this the right time to be discussing this? Often I don't stop to consider what the other person is in the middle of before I make my request for something to be done now. When we have satisfied all these, we can then speak our truth wisely. Sometimes this can feel a little 'cruel to be kind.' But if it is true, well intentioned or kind, necessary and timely we can't go wrong. What is helpful to remember thought, is let go of the result of the kind advice being heard or acted upon by another. Sometimes I can get very attached to others doing what I think is best, even with a kind intention. Like when I suggest a 'floordrobe' tidy. However with my wise speech in order, I can say what I need to and let go of the need to manipulate and control or to be approved of. I was reminded of this last week when I met a friend for our regular Friday coffee. I first met this person when I was working at a rehabilitation centre. Despite some severe health issues he was kind, polite and put in his best effort. About five years ago I saw him in our neighbourhood and went up and reintroduced myself. We decided to meet regularly on a Friday for coffee and a chat. which we both enjoy He is not working and lives in a special accommodation home. Often he is very dishevelled as he lacks some insight and understanding of personal hygiene and self care. So we met last Friday and to my pleasant surprise he was looking great, he was clean, had showered and had clean clothes on. I remarked on how great it was to be with him looking and smelling so good. I asked if had had a shower. Yes, he replied - the nurse made me. I said to pass on my thanks to that kind nurse, as it had made it so much more enjoyable to catch up with him. He said - oh yes, i suppose you have to be 'cruel to be kind'. This reminded me that it takes guts sometimes to get ourselves out of the way and suggest what is best for the other person. In this case, to strongly suggest to, 'have a shower'. I am sure that nurses' advice was not so welcomed by my friend. But her intention was to help and it certainly did, both my friend and all those he met. Sometimes it takes guts to speak our truth to be gentle and kind. We all get many opportunities to extend this kindness or tough love. Certainly as parents and friends these are frequent. My daughter once wrote a whole essay on 'don't you hate it when your mum says- 'I am doing this for your own good' (usually putting some limits on some unhelpful behaviour). I find it so helpful to consider these questions before, I but in with advice, or withhold it. to And then to let go of getting the result I want. Want to get some tools for a happier, more confident and less stressed You? Get started now by - Clicking on the image below to do the free 'Peace of Happiness' three day course Visiting http://www.pom-melbourne.com/courses.html to find out about courses or Email me so we make a time to have a chat maree@pom-melbourne.com Maree xx
I woke the other morning opened the dishwasher expecting to see it full of clean dishes that needed to be unpacked. To my surprise I found it empty! OMGoodness, someone had kindly emptied the dishwasher. I felt very grateful to that anonymous kind person. It is not that such things don't happen around our house, they do; But because I'm up early and unpack the dishwasher, I usually don't give others the opportunity!
I felt thankful and wondered who that kind dishwasher unpacker was, I made a mental note to remember to ask and say thanks! Then I remembered it was me, I had done it the night before! I could have dismissed the whole thing and berated myself with 'how silly I was, not to remember', but instead thought how rarely I gave myself thanks and appreciation. I know the power and importance of being grateful and happy about the kindness others show us, and the kindness we show to them too. But why don't we show that same gratitude to ourselves? So instead of dismissing it I took a few moments to be grateful and happy that I was interested in showing kindness to others. There is a little cautionary note here thought - It is helpful to think about my intention behind being kind and grateful to myself. It is helpful to think of having the intention to be kind and grateful to myself to be 'better for others' rather than to unhelpfully think of myself as 'better than others' because I am being kind. It was great to learn a couple of things here 1. Gratitude for all It is important to remember to be grateful to others and ourselves for kindness. Being mindfully aware of being grateful to ourselves for all the efforts we are all making to be 'better for others' helps us form that happy self perception. 2. Rejoicing When we take the time to notice and be aware of kind actions, including our own, and be grateful and happy about them we strengthen the interest we have in being a kind positive force in the world. So rejoice about all the happy, kind people in the world, including yourself. Maree xx Want to get some tools for a happier, more confident and less stressed You? Get started now by - Clicking on the image below to do the free 'Peace of Happiness' three day course Visiting http://www.pom-melbourne.com/courses.html to find out about courses or Email me so we make a time to have a chat maree@pom-melbourne.com Maree xx
Do you ever get overwhelmed and stressed, when there seems like lots to do? As I said in last weeks blog sometimes when I have lots of things that really need to be done I can procrastinate and find endless other things to do rather than do what you know would be the best thing to do? I can also equally unhelpfully let myself be lazy and just sit around amusing myself and telling myself I am justified in avoiding what needs to be done. I often think, being really busy to avoid doing what is best to do is not much different to laziness. Both are attempts to distract me from what would be the most beneficial thing for me to do, both for myself and others. Either way it never feels good because I am not honouring the commitment I made to myself or others to do what I know is best. This can lead to me feeling overwhelmed and stressed and worried about myself. The funny thing is I think I can get away with avoiding doing things somehow - but I can't really fool myself!! It is there gnawing away on my conscience.
I have lots on at the moment. I am avoiding saying 'busy' because I can have that unhelpful tendency to think that somehow being busy is a good thing and makes me 'important'. The truth is busyness is unhelpful. I am off to America in less than two weeks to finish off some study I have been doing for the past five years. It is a big thing - I have an exam, and lots to revise and organise for home and there. So there are lots of things that it would be helpful for me to be doing. It is interesting to watch the temptation to feel overwhelmed and try to avoid things and distract myself with laziness in either form, busyness or being slothful or paralysed from acting. Sometimes I can feel overwhelmed, not know where to start and freeze. So what would be helpful for me to do so I can get started on what I need to do to get organised and stop the procrastination. 1. Ask how it feels when we don't do our best to fulfil my commitments to ourselves and others? Yuck, maybe it feels ok for a while but it never ends up feeling good. 2. Write a realistic list of what needs to be done, and prioritise it. Make the list realistic and be aware of time considerations and priorities. Be aware of that helpful saying 'Don't let your want for perfection become procrastination'! Don't spend a lot of time here. I know sometimes I can take so much time with a list, plan or timetable. It looks great but takes all my available time and I never get started on putting it into action. I have seen the most amazingly beautiful flute practice timetables and not heard the flute. Remember all anyone can ever do is their best; but they need to start and be willing to make mistakes. Remember also our mistakes can be a wonderful way to learn. 3. Get over the 'getting started' hump Often it is the starting that is the problem. I have found it useful to tell myself I will do it for 10 minutes and then I can leave it. More often that not, I do the 10 minutes and am so involved I end up doing much more and I often finish it! Doing this really helps me get over the hump of avoiding getting started. 4. Make it about someone else If I am worried about myself and my ability to do something I find it really helpful to think about doing it to help others. I did this recently with some take home exam questions I had to complete. I had that real mental block to starting. I thought about a couple of my fellow students and made a start on behalf of us all. That really helped and I got it done much quicker than I thought. So we can make our efforts to do our best with assignments, exams, or any work we do for others. For example we can do our best in our exams for the examiners who have to read our work, our teachers, parents, friends and all those who have supported and helped us. So maybe time to get over my fear, which is all about me, and get on to do what needs to be done for others. The best way to get over worry about yourself is to do your best to be concerned about the welfare of others! 5. Do Your Best So having set your motivation and having started, do your best to do what needs to be done. It feels great. Remember to be kind to yourself regarding setting realistic expectations. You can be happy knowing you have done your best no matter what the result. If you feel you can do a better best next time - put a plan into action to be more organised or focused and do your own better best next time. 6. Be grateful for the opportunity to do your best We can remember to be grateful to all those who allow us the opportunity to do our best with our studies, work, and living. We can't be worry about ourselves and doing our best to benefit others at the same time. Choose benefiting others over worry about ourselves. Resist the temptation to feel overwhelmed and worried about ourselves and instead feel grateful for the wonderful opportunities we all have to do our best for others. Remember it always feels great to do what you say you are going to do And what you know you are best to be doing. Choose doing your best to benefit others over stress and overwhelm about yourself! Maree xx Want to get some tools for a happier, more confident and less stressed You? Get started now by - Clicking on the image below to do the free 'Peace of Happiness' three day course Visiting http://www.pom-melbourne.com/courses.html to find out about courses or Email me so we make a time to have a chat maree@pom-melbourne.com Maree xx |
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