​Do you take time to look after yourself, to rest your body and soul? I certainly need reminding of this often, as I can have a tendency to get the rest and movement balance a bit out of wack. As Osho says 'Life is a balance between rest and movement.' I was reminded of a rather unbalanced time in my life as a mother of three boys under the age of two. This time was coloured by a few misunderstandings, mainly an over developed sense of responsibility.

I was reminded by a young mother friend of mine, who is juggling two demanding jobs, one as an academic and the other as the mother of a toddler. I was taken back to a similar time in my life, and recalled that unhelpful tendency I can have to slip into the martyrdom role, take way too much responsibility, feel guilty and run myself into the ground. Add to these the unhelpful habits of setting unrealistic expectations of myself and others, negative self-talk and feeling guilty, and not accepting help and I have a wrung out, resentful me, who is not much use to anyone!

As we explored in the guilt verses regret blog, guilt is a destructive habit that undermines our happiness. If instead of feeling guilty I can regret this tendency I had to be overly responsible, 'do it all', set unrealistic expectations and have a reluctance to ask for help or to take time to look after my own health, I can move on to develop more helpful ways to be. 

Thankfully I am less likely to do these things these days thanks to the wonderful teachings I have been able to put into practice.

I learned a very useful lesson over 20 years ago when my boys were toddlers. There was a lot going on in our small house in Prahran, including lots of nappies, oxygen, feeding, washing, cooking, tantrums and not much sleep. So I was pretty exhausted at times.

During this time I had a friend Marilyn who also had six month old twin boys. She kept insisting I needed a cleaning lady and I kept insisting that I didn't and that I could manage things myself. One day there was a knock at the door and standing there was Barbara, Marilyn's cleaning lady. I didn't have the heart to send her away and am very happy I didn't. Barbara has been coming each Wednesday to help me with the cleaning for the past 25 years! 

I am  so grateful to her and to Marilyn too. However, I can vividly remember feeling guilty when Barbara would come, which I now know is never useful. I also unhelpfully thought it was self indulgent, selfish and unnecessary and I needed to justify having help. And of course taking time for oneself can be selfish if it all about me and my need to get away for some 'me time'. However if I am taking the attitude that I am taking time out for a rest and refuel so I can be available to others, all seems ok. I am aware of that feeling when I give and feel like I am scrapping the bottom of an empty well. This quickly leads to resentment, if I don't take the time to fill up my well so I can keep giving to others. So Barbara helps me fill up my well so I can keep giving to my family.

I know when I am overworked and tired I tend to get cranky with myself and others and am not much use to anyone. But, if I am able to take some time out to care for myself I am able to be more available to others and in a much happier, fun headspace. Again that 'better for others' (rather than better than others) analogy. We'll explore this more in the upcoming 'August - Awesome for others' posts 

When I am able to take time to refuel and restore with this wise understanding, there is no need to feel guilty, over responsible or selfish. I can 

• Be grateful to others for all they do for me, knowing it's helpful for them too
• Do what I need to do to look after myself so I can be more available to others and easier to be around too

So here are some rebalancing rest or looking after yourself ideas - so you can be more available for others and yourself too.. 

• Take a 5 minute shavasana rest at least once each day, or a lie in a hammock in the sun or a sit in a chair by the fire  
• Get a good night's sleep. This is often easier said than done, however we can put some lifestyle conditions in place to assist with this 
• Meditate 
• Spend some time in nature 
• Eat well 
• Have fun, take time out to do things you enjoy - dance, sing, knit by the fire, go to a footy match, paint, read, go to the movies , catch up with friends 
• Do physical exercise - walk, run, ride, play sport
• Watch the negative self-talk and instead be that kind encouraging friend who supports your need to rest and restore. 

You may want to have a play with looking after yourself so you can be more available to others and yourself too. 


Have a great week. Thank you all  
Kind Regards and Best Wishes 
Maree xx ​

​Do you ever feel a need to defend yourself or your position or cover up a mistake to 'save face'? I do when I forget to not take myself so seriously. 
It really helps when I remember to not take myself so seriously when unwanted things happen or are said. When these things happen it is like a 'criticism', 'have a go' or 'embarrassed' button is pushed in me, and I often feel the need to defend myself and take myself way too seriously. It really helps when I can do as Halle Berry suggests 'Don't take yourself too seriously. Know when to laugh at yourself and find a way to laugh at obstacles that inevitably present themselves'. 

Recently we were out to dinner and a friend shared this same helpful advice. Her partner is a playful, friendly character who is always ready to have a laugh. My friend has a very responsible management job and her partner was joking around about it. Instead of becoming defensive and assuming an intention to have a go, she instead joined in on the fun. Later she whispered these helpful words to me - 'He reminds me to not take myself too seriously. If I did my relationships and my job would be much harder and no fun.' 

Balance is important here to prevent misunderstanding. Not taking oneself too seriously is not about...

• Putting down others or ourselves 
• Allowing others to be disrespectful to us
• Being irresponsible, as Alex Trebek says 'take your job seriously, but don't take yourself too seriously'

As we explored last week low self confidence and pride are two sides of the same coin. They both involve concern about myself! Low self confidence is when I see myself as lacking or less than others and pride is when I see myself as better than others.  So, given that both are untrue, unhelpful ways to think and certainly not happiness or confidence building, how do I balance things out here? One thing that really helps me is to remember 

• I am doing my best to be better for others rather than better than others
• To say 'that can happen' to myself  
• One way I can be better for others is to not take myself so seriously 

When I can remember this I can get that 'better than others, prideful' or the 'less than others, low self-confident' ego out of the way to have a laugh. I can then..

• Drop the judgment of myself and others - we all make mistakes and are doing our best with what we know at the time
• Have more realistic expectations of myself and others  
• Assume a positive intention on the part of the other person  - this really helps me to avoid playing the blame victim game
• Know when to laugh at myself 
• Discover ways to laugh at the inevitable mishaps 

Like us all I have had many potentially embarrassing, critical or funny things happen in my life. Things like being in the wrong place at the wrong time, travel mishaps, falling flat on my face, anatomical and left right confusion in teaching yoga, baking mishaps, and falling off the pilates bed.  Knowing I have a choice in how I respond to such situations is so liberating. When I can remember to not taking myself so seriously the ego can take a back seat and I can enjoy a laugh.

And I have had plenty of amazing things go seemingly right too. Things like passing exams, getting  the job I wanted, having a family and getting POM up and running. But, I don't want to get this out of balance either - again remembering to be better for others, rather than better than others and to not take myself too seriously really helps me with equanimity. It is important to enjoy our successes in being the best we can for others and equally important to rejoice in the success of others too. 

You may want to have a play with taking yourself a little less seriously. I have found it fun to reframe embarrassment and negativity with a laugh. 


Have a great week. Thank you all  
Kind Regards and Best Wishes 
Maree xx ​

​Is someone you know going through a bit of a hard time confidence wise? Last week I shared some tools I find helpful to use to get over my confidence wobble up regarding writing blogs.  

As I said last week I have been noticing this confidence wobble up in others too with doubts regarding ability in all sorts of areas and seeming knock backs. So how do I help others in this situation?

• Give advice wisely

I have learnt the lesson to refrain from giving advice when it is not asked for many times. This said, sometimes it is necessary to say what you feel you need to, to prevent harm. As parents of younger children it is our responsibility to teach them by setting appropriate boundaries, expectations and codes of behaviour.

When I feel it is appropriate to give advice, I find it helpful to give it and then to  let go of my attachment to how this well intentioned ( I need to remember to check this too) advice is received and acted upon. I can remember nagging at my teenage boys about cleaning their rooms without any evidence of tidying. When I was able to let it go, keep my own space tidy and close their doors, I found peace. To my surprise one of my boys spontaneously cleaned his room one day and now is clean and tidy in his own home! I find writing letters helpful, especially to my children. I write down what I have found useful and want to share and then I let it go, leaving it up to them to do with it what they feel they need to, including using the letter as loo paper! 

It is difficult as a parent or friend to watch those you love go through a difficult time confidence wise. And given that it is not always helpful to spurt all sorts of advice on what to do or to bail them out, there are some things we can do to help. 

Some time ago I came across a list of '7 things every child needs to hear'. They are...

• I love you
• I am proud of you (the pride we can have in our efforts to be better for others, as opposed to pride in being better than others.)
• I am sorry 
• I forgive you 
• I am listening 
• Communication can be tricky, let's keep talking 
• You have got what it takes 

I think they relate not only to every child but are equally applicable to tell all others including ourselves. And they don't need to be told out aloud either. They can be sent as a mental message to others or ourselves.

It may appear very odd and inappropriate to be telling these 7 things to the sales assistant at the supermarket, who has just mucked up our order. However we can use our mind to recall these things and remind ourselves of our connection to them and to send them a boost. It certainly helps our connection with others when we make an effort to listen, see the positive, forgive, communicate openly and be encouraging, either out aloud or in our minds.
     
Recently I was speaking with a close friend and I was doing what I think of as 'control caring'. I cared about the difficulty they were going through but, couldn't help myself from suggesting why it was happening and what they needed to do to fix it. They had not asked for me to fix it! It can be disempowering for them when I try to take control. 

I contemplated our exchange and went searching for the 7 things every child needs to hear list I had come across some time ago. I sent an email back addressing each of the 7 things and expressed they were free to do what they needed to do and I trusted they had all they needed to learn the lessons life had to teach them. This felt much better than to try and control the situation, which is not possible anyway. While I was tempted to offer all sorts of advice and financial assistance I was aware, in this situation, this was not helping them to take responsibility, to learn the lessons life was teaching them and to have the confidence to do what they needed to do.

If instead I can trust that they have what it takes to sort things out, I am offering encouragement and a balancing confidence boost. And of course I will always be available for support if needed, however having wisdom and equanimity or balance around the appropriate form and timing of such support is important. Sometimes strong love is required to prevent harm. It feels better if I can see myself make an effort to get my own act together first before accepting support or a help out. We can offer this opportunity to others too, giving them encouragement and  the chance to take some responsibility and action, which we can then support.

They responded kindly to my email and I felt confident I had done my best as a friend and confident in them too. I trusted they had all they needed to be able to do their best to sort things out. I also added I was there, if they felt they needed me. 

Worrying about others never helps. It disturbs our own peace of mind and sends a negative message to them too. I know myself if I think others are worried about me, I worry about me too and about them worrying about me as well! If instead I know they believe in me and are there to encourage, love and support me, I feel empowered to do my best.

Other things I find helpful to remember are

• Peace begins with me. So be a kind and encouraging friend to myself and to watch out for that negative self- critical voice and replace it with a kind encouraging one. 
• Be the change I want to see. So again power up that kind and encouraging friend. 
• Remembering I am awesome for others, and you are too!

So again it is with confidence I share in this blog the teachings I value and am grateful to have received and put into practice to change my life for the better.  And I have confidence in you too - you have got what it takes. 

Have a great week. Thank you all  
Kind Regards and Best Wishes 
Maree xx ​

​Do you ever have a confidence wobble up and start to doubt and question your ability in all sorts of things? I have been doing this about writing this blog as I ask myself why I am doing it, with thoughts of doubt, criticism, unrealistic expectations and seeking approval from others (and not getting it!)

I have been noticing this confidence wobble up in others too with doubts around my ability to do a job, write an essay, and keep up with job demands. I am taking this as a sure sign I need to remind myself of a few helpful things related to where my confidence and happiness comes from. I have written many blogs with such themes knitted into them. I find it so helpful to remind myself through these blogs and maybe you do too.  

Low self confidence and pride are two sides of the same coin. They both involve concern about myself! Low self confidence is when I see myself as lacking or less than others and pride is when I see myself as better than others, or as my mother would say 'too big for my boots!' So, given that both are untrue, unhelpful ways to think and certainly not happiness or confidence building, how do I balance things out here? One thing that really helps me is to remember 

• I am doing my best to be better for others rather than better than others

So remembering that I am doing my best to write this blog, not to be the best blog writer around, or even have others read it, agree with me or find it useful. I can't control that!  It's equally unhelpful for me to consider giving up on this blog because it's not good enough, is unhelpful or that I don't have anything valuable to share. 

Both these intentions are about me! I find a more helpful way to rethink is 'I am doing my best to write this blog to be better for others, to remind myself and share what has been extremely helpful for me and may be of use to others. This other orientated pivot where I ask myself 'what is best for others?' always helps me to get over pride and low self esteem - both of which as I said are about me! So the answer - write this blog!

For me there are two key component that are necessary for my happiness and confidence. They are simply kindness and gratitude. Kindness to myself and of course to others too, and gratitude for myself, my wonderful life and all those in it. When I forget kindness and gratitude I find myself in an unhappy place with a confidence wobble up. 

So, what are some ways to be kind and grateful to myself and others too.? What things promote my confidence and happiness in order  for me to be better for others and more available to them, because I am not so caught up in worry about myself.
Remembering to be kind,  by...
1.  Letting Go of Worry About Myself

• Watch those negative, self-critical thoughts and replace them with kind, positive, encouraging ones 
• Let go of unrealistic expectations, like getting this blog perfect or including everything and instead do my best to simply share what has helped me 
• Stop comparing myself to others - we all have skills and talents that are unique and we have no need to compare ourselves to others. Underneath we all have the same 'basic goodness' that is obscured by those different 'cloud habits'. 
• Drop the judgment of myself and others. We are all dong our best  with what we know at the time.
• Remembering - There are plenty of people who think you are awesome. Yes, you reading this and me too! And they are not wrong! 
• Approving of myself - give myself the approval you need - 'I am doing my best, which is pretty awesome'. - and don't seek approval outside of myself. I can only see others' approval of me if I first approve of myself 
• Respect myself - I can respect myself and value the contribution I am making 
• Be grateful for all the efforts I am making to be 'better for others'. And equally grateful to for the opportunities others give me to do this too. 

2.  Make it About Concern for Others 

• The secret of my own happiness lies in doing my best to make others happy. Whether they can be helped by me or not is not in my control but, seeing myself do my best to help, is the most helpful thing I can do for myself and others too.
• So who needs my support, encouragement and kindness? I can do this for both myself and others too.
• At times it may appear overwhelming when we think about all those in need. One thing that helps me when I feel overwhelmed is to remember 'Peace Begins with me' and 'Act local and think global'. So there have been people who pop up in my week, including myself and I have done my best to show them kindness. 
• Kindness does not have to be big or expensive - it can be as simple as a kind word or smile. I am constantly reminded we all seek connection with others and kindness is such a wonderful way to connect.  

So it is with confidence I share in this blog the teachings I value and am grateful to have received and put into practice to change my life for the better. Trust you find them helpful too. 

Have a great week. Thank you all  
Kind Regards and Best Wishes 
Maree xx ​