Again this blog I am continuing to explore empathy, kindness, compassion, LOVE and connection both with ourselves and others. Again I plan to share giving ourselves the gift of love and appreciation using my favourite self compassion tool - The ABC (Acknowledge/Breathe/Connect) practice. I want to further explore the 'C- connecting with our wise self' to give ourselves the 'Love and Appreciation' that appears to have gone missing'!
As I mentioned last blog my favourite definitions of the word appreciate are 'to raise the value of something or someone' and 'to be grateful for something or someone'. When we appreciate something or someone, including ourselves, we raise it up, treasure and respect it. We hold it in esteem with gratitude. WE ARE UPLIFTERS! So, again a summary of the ABC Formula is........... A - Acknowledge and Accept Kindly acknowledging and accepting feelings with curiosity (remember curiosity is a form of compassion) AVOID The task master voice whose judgmental reactions leave no room for understanding, empathy and connection Be empathic toward the feelings you are experiencing. B - Breathe (space bar) Create some space to accept and connect C - Connection - with your wise empathic kind encouraging friend. Connect with wisdom to give yourself what you need (which is always love!) As I said last blog my favourite quote from Kim McMillan I think expresses this perfectly - 'When I loved myself enough, I learned to ask 'who in me is feeling this way?' when I feel anxious, angry, restless or sad (or unappreciated and unloved!). If I listen patiently I discover who needs my love" And another quote from Veronica Tugaleva that expresses this same sentiment “What if each time you experienced an emotion, you acknowledged it, accepted it, and became curious about its message for you (instead of trying to make it go away or make it last longer)? Imagine how this could change your life. Imagine how heard, loved, and honoured you would feel if you really listened to yourself. This ABC practice allows me to develop self -compassion, to acknowledge and accept my feelings instead of bypassing them and to connect with my wise self for the understanding, appreciation, support and LOVE that I need. So let's explore this Connection with our wise selves further. And lets look at how we can give ourselves the LOVE that appears to have gone missing so we have lots to share with others. Some time ago my friend Shadi introduced me to a book Gary Chapman entitled "The 5 Love Languages'. The book Is about learning to express love in, what Gary calls, 5 different languages. The book specifically relates to expressing love in a relationship with a partner. I have enjoyed learning these 5 different ways to express love and how to apply them to my relationship with myself. So what are these 5 practical ways to express LOVE? 1. Words of Affirmation. Using kind, encouraging, appreciative words to lift up others and ourselves. We have explored this lots. It is important to power up our kind encouraging friend voice and not listen to the harsh, critical dialog which is simply not true. Remember to use your name when you are using kind and encouraging self-talk. Research has found that one of the factors related to depression is harsh, critical dialog with ourselves. A destructive conversation in our mind about ourselves to ourselves relates to depression. Kind encouraging dialog to ourselves not only uplifts us but others too. 2. Act of Service Doing anything to ease the burden or responsibility or to please out of love and appreciation (and not obligation). An act of service I have been doing for myself lately is to take the time to relax, rest and replenish. I have also enjoyed walking, and tidying up after myself. (a work in progress) 3. Gifts Gifting something to show that you care and were thought about. I bought myself some headphones and downloaded spotify This has made housework such fun and does not annoy others. I also bought myself a track suit or 'leisure suit' to pop on in the evening to remind me to relax and be at leisure! 4. Physical Touch Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety and love. Some big self-hugs and back massages in yoga, a warm bath, placing my hand on my heart. 5. Quality time Giving undivided attention. Telling myself I have plenty of time to get this blog out and to prepare for Wednesdays class. Taking the time to connect with myself! So lets apply this to feelings of unappreciated ......... A. Acknowledge and Accept B. Breathe (space bar) C - Connection - with your wise empathic kind encouraging friend. Connect with wisdom to give yourself what you need (which is always LOVE (you can give it to yourself in those 5 practical ways) It is important to bring awareness and appreciation regarding why we are doing this particular practice. We are giving ourselves love so that we are available to connect and give to others. WE are ..... - Taking responsibility to fill our 'love tanks' so that we have love to share with others. And so we are not scraping the bottom of an empty tank and exhibiting critical spirit and harmful behaviour to ourselves or others - We are connecting with ourselves and giving ourselves what is needed so that we can be available to connect and share with others . So when I am feeling, for example, tired and unappreciated I (A,B,Connect and Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit). 1. Affirmation I find this is always the easiest on the go one 'Good on you M, it was kind and generous of you to do that for them. Well done'. BINGO - Feeling loved and appreciated with no resentment! 2. Act of Service A well earned rest in my 'leisure suit' 3. Gift My leisure suit! 4. Physical touch A nice warm shower before popping into my leisure suit! 5. Quality time Some time out relaxing of an evening in my leisure suit! When I connect with my wise self to give what is needed I facilitate connection with others, so that I can continue to be there for them too. And as we said last blog..... Remember to love and appreciate yourself for all your efforts, no matter how seemingly small, to be an appreciative, uplifting, kind, encouraging, friendly force in the world. Remember a smile counts heaps. And remember to appreciate and UPLIFT others too. Keeping an eye out for ways to uplift yourself and others is fun and has a huge ripple affect! As the quote above says 'Being told you are appreciated is one of the simplest and most uplifting things you can hear'! And if you would like your free washcloth reminder please email us your postal address here. With love, appreciation and very best well wishes to us all Maree xx
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Our last blogs have explored empathy, kindness, compassion and connection both with ourselves and others. We could all do with more love and appreciation at this time, so I wanted to share giving ourselves the gift of love and appreciation using my favourite self compassion tool - The ABC practice. I have shared the ABC (Acknowledge/Breathe/Connect) formula or practice several times. I wanted to share it again to remind myself and maybe you too, to love and appreciate yourselves!
So a summary of the ABC Formula is........... A - Acknowledge and Accept Kindly acknowledging and accepting feelings with curiosity (remember curiosity is a form of compassion) AVOID........ The task master voice........ 1. Suppressing or bypassing - Ignoring the feeling with things like......... - 'I should not feel sad/disappointed/unappreciated... and sorry for myself - I should be grateful and think of others - At Least .......It could be worse .......Yer, but! OR 2. Catastrophizing the situation with blame, judgement and criticism of self and others These reactions leave no room for understanding, empathy and connection INSTEAD - be empathic toward the sad/dissappointed/angy you are feeing B - Breathe (space bar) Create some space accept and connect with values, love and who you want to be C - Connection - with your wise empathic kind encouraging friend. Connect with wisdom to give yourself what you need need (which is always love) A quote from Kim McMillan I think expresses this perfectly - 'When I loved myself enough, I learned to ask 'who in me is feeling this way?' when I feel anxious, angry, restless or sad (or unappreciated and unloved!). If I listen patiently I discover who needs my love" This ABC practice allows me to develop self -compassion, to acknowledge and accept my feelings instead of bypassing them and to connect with my wise self for the understanding, appreciation, support and love that I need. I have had a few reminders to appreciate myself to avoid feeding the resentment of expecting it from others these past weeks. The word appreciate has many dictionary definitions. The ones I like most are 'to raise the value of something or someone' and 'to be grateful for something or someone'. Appreciation synonyms include admired, respect, valuing, treasuring and esteem. So, when we appreciate something or someone, including ourselves, we raise it up, treasure and respect it. We hold it in esteem with gratitude. So, a recent example for me included receiving a series of texts from a friend requesting me to do some things for them. These texts could have been seen as somewhat demanding with a lack of appreciation and I was so tempted to go there!. Fortunately, I was aware that I did not want to build up resentment by bypassing my feelings or blaming and criticising either. So after doing what was asked of me and not receiving appreciation I applied my ABC formula to the feeling of unappreciated. 1. Acknowledged and Accepted the 'unappreciated' feeling 2. Breathed This empathy and pause allow for connection and self-compassionate action. 3. Connected..... With my wise encouraging self to provide the love and appreciation that appeared to have gone missing! So I connected and Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what appears to have gone missing - the love and appreciation for doing what was asked. So, yet again I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, voice and gave myself the 'love that appeared to go missing' in the form of kind, encouraging and appreciative words.......... 'Good on you M, it was kind and generous of you to do that for them. Well done'. BINGO - Feeling loved and appreciated with no resentment! This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do! By connecting with myself to give myself what is needed allows for connection with others and to continue to be there for them too. And then as if by magic a 'thank you" text arrived. Affirmation is one of the ways we can give ourselves the love that appears to have gone mission. We will explore some other ways in upcoming blogs. Over the years I have made reminders to myself and others to 'feel loved and appreciated and to love and appreciate themselves as wel'l. The latest is our cotton washcloths!. Other reminders have included my apron embroidered with the words 'loved and appreciated' - I don't think anyone in the family has noticed, but whats important is that it reminds me . This is especially important when lots of care in meal preparation receives no thanks or even a bad review! I can still appreciate myself for my kindness and effort, which helps prevent resentment and maintains connection. I have also written 'feel loved and appreciated' on the mirror in the toilet and on the concrete footpath outside our house! Remember to love and appreciate yourself for all your efforts, no matter how seemingly small, to be an appreciative, uplifting, kind, encouraging, friendly force in the world. Remember a smile counts heaps. And remember to appreciate others too. As the quote above says 'Being told you are appreciated is one of the simplest and most uplifting things you can hear'! And if you would like your free washcloth reminder please email us your postal address here. With love, appreciation and very best well wishes to us all Maree xx
Last blog we explored empathy and sympathy and how they relate to compassion and self compassion too. We looked at the importance of acknowledging and accepting feelings instead of suppressing them or overreacting with blame and criticism of others or ourselves.
When we bring empathy and understanding to our feelings we can connect with our wise selves for the understanding, support and love that we need. One tool I find particularly useful is the ABC practice. (We will explore this practice again next blog). I am thankful to my friend Shadi for helping me to deepen my understanding of empathy and self compassion. The underlying themes which inform my ‘Compassion Retreat’ include ....... Self Compassion Compassion for and connection to ourselves first. It's like applying the oxygen mask to yourself first in order to be of benefit to others! A lack of self compassion is a barrier to showing compassion for others Letting go of judgement Whatever judgement I hold against myself will seep into my relationships with others. Watching out for that critical task master voice. Look after yourself and others Take this time to show empathy to yourself and others Be easy of yourself – turn up the kind encouraging voice and turn down the task master. Take time for balanced self care – get enough sleep, relaxation, nutrition and exercise. Connection Connect with those who support you (including your kind, wise encouraging self). Connecting with others and our wise selves is important. Connection allows us to overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness. During these difficult times it is important to find ways to connect with others. Some things that you may want to try include - give someone a phone call, join a community group or class (online for now), get some support or help if you need it, volunteer, help someone in need, send a letter or card, zoom, do random acts of kindness and smile. I graffitied our front footpath with 'Feel Loved and Appreciated' and Lama Marut's 'Be Radical, Be Content, when the concrete was wet some time ago. I have seen 3 people photograph it recently! Give yourself a break from those who you feel are not able to support you for now. (including that critical task master voice) Kindness and Gratitude Kindness to all, including you! Gratitude for all those who make our wonderful lives possible, including yourself. So, let’s explore empathy some more. Let’s look at how to give empathic responses (both to ourselves and others) to promote connection, and also what responses to avoid to prevent disconnection. Brene Brown says 'empathy is communication that incredibly healing message of 'you're not alone'. So empathy promotes connection, which as we have said is particularly important for our well being. Brene Brown tells us that 'empathy is about connection; sympathy is about separation'. And that 'empathy fuels connection and sympathy drives disconnection'. She explains that empathy involves ......... 1. Perspective taking or seeing the other persons point of view. 2. Staying out of judgment (Of yourself too) 3. Recognising emotions within another (and yourself). (Remember, no suppressing!) Empathy is a choice that we make to put ourselves in another person's shoes (including our own) without judgment in order to connect with them or ourselves. Listening is important. When we feel heard, cared about and understood we also feel accepted, loved and as if we belong. We can give that to ourselves as well as to others too! When we are able to give ourselves the empathy, compassion and love that is needed we are able to connect with the other person. Brene Brown tells us empathy is a vulnerable choice because it involves connecting with our own feelings first and this can be painful. In order to connect with you I have to connect with myself that knows that feeling. Author, Sue Monk Kid says ‘empathy is the most mysterious transaction that the human can have and is accessible to us all’. She says ‘we have to give ourselves to the opportunity to identify, to plunge ourselves into the story where we see the world through the bottom up or through another’s eyes or heart.’ Empathy Tools So how do I practice empathy? I have had fun these past weeks being aware of acknowledging my feelings and those of others and responding with empathy. Brene Brown tells us when we have a situation where others are expressing their pain to avoid what she calls ‘silver lining it’. We do this because we try to make things better, but rarely does this help or promote connection, empathy or understanding. We ‘silver line’ when we say things like ‘at least’ or ‘it could be worse’. The example Brene Brown uses is - in response to ‘I think my marriage is falling apart’ someone says ‘At least you have a marriage’! I have been aware of when I use these responses both to others and myself. I was speaking with a friend’s son who had just returned back to Melbourne from a camping trip in NSW. He was expressing disappointment in the more severe restrictions here. I said ‘at least you can play tennis’. This response did not acknowledge his feelings of disappointment and showed a lack of understanding, empathy and connection. A more helpful response may have been …….
I realize I do this with my mother too. She has been having hearing problems and I have been doing lots of ‘at leasts’ and ‘It could be worse’s’. So instead I am being aware to listen, acknowledge and provide an empathic response. Remember to avoid these ‘silver lining’ responses with yourself too. Take the time to acknowledge the feeling and to listen. Be aware not to suppress the feeling with these shut-down remarks and instead ABC (Acknowledge, Breathe, and Connect to the wise self to give yourself what is needed). More about this next blog. With love and my very best well wishes to us all Maree xx |
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