Do you ever get frustrated in traffic or with other drivers or experience others drivers frustration at you? Or do you get frustrated when you have to wait, or things don't go as planned? As I said, In Asia, I noticed how friendly the roads were, which prompted this blog on exploring how to cultivate more peace and patience and less anger.
In Asia, despite the huge number of cars, motor bikes and trucks, the narrow roads and the lack of traffic signals or signs things seemed to run smoothly. There were lots of beeps which sounded like a friendly, 'I'm here' rather than an aggressive 'How dare you, get out of my way'. On one trip we were traveling on a narrow winding road which became inaccessible due to road works and a bus travelling the other way. All the drivers of cars, bikes and buses and the road workers had to wait for about ten minutes. Everyone appeared to be waiting patiently and seemed to cooperate to get the bus through to unblock the road. No toots or trying to push thought. I was amazed at how the situation unfolded and thought about what might have happened at home. I thought about the patience shown in this situation and recalled that patience is not just the ability to wait. As Joyce Meyer says 'patience is not an ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting. And as David Allen says 'Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind'. So what things help us with acceptance and developing a good attitude when things happen in a different order than the one we had in mind? I like to try to remember the Dalai Lama's wise words when I am tempted to get frustrated when someone has a go at me when driving or when I have to wait. 'We often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over-reacting to minor things, and sometimes taking things too personally.'These wise words help me to remember to have that calm acceptance and patient attitude when things go differently from what I expect! Which is a lot of the time. When someone is angry with us on the road! It is so easy to respond angrily back to a driving criticism or a toot with a toot back, a rude hand gesture or a barrage of abuse. As the Dalai Lama says we add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over-reacting and taking things too personally. So this is an opportunity to put our patience practices into use and break the habit of responding with anger to anger. You may want to refer to our previous blogs for a reminder. Remembering to acknowledge or feel the frustration, breathe and let go of the habit to react with criticism back and instead respond from that wise spot. Whatever comes up from that calm and patient spot will be best for our peace of mind and that of other drivers too. When we have to wait As I mentioned last week, I am not always such a patient waiter, although I am enjoying the challenge to develop a better attitude to waiting. Recently I was buying some socks for Father's Day and the elderly man serving me was having all sorts of problems with the computer price scanning and credit card machine. It was taking a long time and I was in a hurry. I watched my mind become frustrated and impatient. What to do? Breathe and be kind, encouraging and appreciative. Yay, we both got there in the end with our peace of mind undisturbed. I find it really helpful to have my crocheting or a small knitting project on hand to help me when I am likely to become impatient. If I am travelling and know I will have a lot of waiting around or if I am waiting for others to get organised knitting really helps me to maintain a good attitude while waiting. I find it difficult to be frustrated and knit or crotchet at the same time! So, when appropriate I choose knitting. Some things that may help when we are tempted to become impatient include...
Kind Regards and Best Wishes Maree xx
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Do you have some built up anger or resentment toward you parents, or those you are close to? As I said last week, I do and so I decided to put Pema's experiment into practice, to work on replacing resentment with appreciation, with regard to my mother.
A little recap on the experiment 1. Experiment for a while with resenting my mother or father (or anyone for that matter) and see how that feels! Remembering though, to...
It only took the week of keeping a gratitude journal recalling all the amazing things my mum and dad did for me, to allow me to decide which attitude to cultivate. No surprises!! 3. Make your own decision about which attitude to cultivate for the rest of your life! APPRECIATION not RESENTMENT So, how do I cultivate such an attitude? I need to be on the lookout for those feelings of resentment and my habit to feed them and instead cultivate an attitude of compassion, forgiveness and appreciation toward myself and others. Remembering each time the resentment, anger or hurt comes up to acknowledge it with compassion, breathe and remember I have a choice in how I respond. So having conducted the first part of the experiment, I made the conclusive decision to try to remember to choose appreciation rather than resentment. Then came the work of putting it into practice. I find it so interesting to watch my mind and its' habit of building up resentment. When resentment of a person or a situation comes up, if I forget I have a choice in how I respond I can so easily hop on the 'resentment train' to an unhappy place. When I forget that I have this choice and board that thought train I strengthen the habit of resentment. Resentment is a form of anger I am well practiced in so I am on the lookout for it and how to skilfully work with it to change the habit. Even now I can be tempted to resent myself for being resentful, further strengthening that unhelpful soundtrack in my head. I am reminded of an anonymous quote. Anonymous because I cant recall where I read it, so thanks and apologies to the author. 'Do not judge or condemn yourself or others, instead forgive all for being human and needing to learn lessons'. Dropping the judgment frees me from shame and guilt. So time to let go of judgment and appreciate the ways I am doing my best to cultivate appreciation rather than resentment. So, what do I do? I acknowledge the feeling of resentment come up and decide to put a spanner in the resentment soundtrack and practice appreciation instead. And to remember compassion for myself and others and to apply the healing balm of forgiveness to all including myself. My Weekend Experiment Recently, my mother joined us at our home for the weekend. She is not enjoying getting older, her mobility restrictions and health issues and understandably often finds it difficult to be in a positive state of mind. So this weekend provided an opportunity to work compassionately with my resentment around my experience of her as negative and critical. Here are my experiment results ... So I am experiencing my mum do that negative, critical thing and resentment comes up. ' 1. Feel the resentment come up As I have said many times it is so easy to attempt to get rid of this uncomfy feeling by expressing our resentment with complaints, blame and criticism or 'helpful advice', either out aloud or internally. Or equally unhelpfully trying to suppress or bypass this feeling. So, a more helpful response is to acknowledge the feeling and BREATHE - the intense uncomfy feeling will pass and then we will be free to respond from a wise spot. My wacky mind - so easy to hop on that resentment train to that unhappy place. How can I turn this possible resentment fest into a appreciation instead? 2. I will BREATHE and remember I have a choice between ...
And how did things turn out? I remembered to acknowledge my frustration and resentment, breathed and decided to drop the untrue judgment and condemnation to allow for compassion, forgiveness and appreciation of her past kindness to me as a child and adult too. I decided to repay that kindness by taking her shopping, to Telstra and out for lunch and things improved considerably. As I said last week we can practice this appreciation or resentment experiment with anyone and everyone, including those who are no longer with us, and those we find frustrating (Our teachers of Patience). As Pema says "If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy can be our teacher'. Maybe you would like to give this experiment a go too. Have a great week. Thank you all Kind Regards and Best Wishes Maree xx
Do you have some built up anger or resentment toward your parents, those you are close to, or anyone for that matter? I am not so happy to admit I have often held onto anger and resentment around my parent's decisions and parenting. I have only more recently let go of not being allowed to go to Festival Hall as a teenager! And I can feel resentful about how things are now too.
Thankfully I have been fortunate enough to be taught some helpful ways to deal with anger and resentment, as we have been discussing this month. Although tricky, working on overcoming our own anger, especially related to our parents, is well worthwhile, and contributes greatly to our peace of mind. Recently I read some very helpful advice on working with anger towards our mothers, from Pema Chodron. Pema is a famous Western Buddhist nun and teacher. She once asked a teacher of hers how to best work with anger towards her mother, He gave this very helpful advice ... 1. Experiment for a while with resenting her and see how that feels. I read this and thought about how I have been doing this particular experiment for way too long. So yes, I knew it felt yucky. So maybe I could go straight to step 2. 2. Remember any kindness she showed you as a child and try appreciating her for a week or two. Sounds good. I decided to make it a gratitude practice and write it up in my journal each day. As mothers, we know first hand all the sacrifices we need to make to care for our families. Yet why do I sometimes find it tricky to remember all the sacrifices and kindness my own mother has shown me, over and over? Even if we are not mothers ourselves we can still remember back to all our mothers did for us. They gave us our lives, which is more than enough. They also taught us all sorts of things including how to eat, dress, talk, walk and write. Even if they were not able to be all that we wanted them to be, or be there for us when we needed them, giving us our lives is certainly something to be grateful for. 3. Make your own decision about which attitude to cultivate for the rest of your life! I love this simple experiment - now comes the work, to put it into practice! As the Dalai Lama says, 'a hero is someone who conquers his/her own anger or hatred'. And as Pema Chodron says 'the future is completely open and we are writing it moment to moment'. So why not start to write a future of appreciation and let go of the resentment story retelling? Even if our parents are no longer with us we can still work with our minds on cultivating appreciation and letting go of resentment. We can also practice forgiveness of ourselves and them too. You may want to look at the January forgiveness blogs as a reminder. Forgiveness is certainly an ongoing practice for me. It helps me to remember we are all doing the best with what we know at the time. In the well worn-words of Malcolm X 'There was a time when you didn't know what you know today.' One thing I find helpful to remember is not to suppress a feeling or pretend that I do not have that particular feeling, such as anger, resentment or hurt. It is important to take the time to acknowledge the feeling and not to attempt to suppress it or pretend it is not there. Once acknowledged we can breathe and remember we have a choice with our response. We can carry on the resentment hurt or blame soundtrack, or as Pema suggests, create a new habit of appreciation. I am going to do my own experiments over the following weeks and watch when resentment or anger come up acknowledge it and then do my best to remember to practice appreciation instead. I will tell you how I go in the following weeks! Have a great week. Thank you all Kind Regards and Best Wishes Maree xx
Do you want to work on a more helpful response to the experience of anger in yourself or others? As we discussed last week, although tricky, working on overcoming our own anger is well worth while, and contributes to to our peace of mind and that of others too. As the Dalai Lama says 'A hero is someone who conquers his own anger and hatred'.
Many years ago I was taught a very helpful strategy in dealing with situation where I am experiencing anger, in myself or others. Whether it is that I am seeing others angry at me, others or the situation they are in or experiencing anger myself I find this strategy well worth practicing to help me develop patience. I think I have shared it before, but I certainly needed a reminder this week as I have experienced others with their angry pants on. The strategy involves three steps each of which build on each other as our patience muscles build up. As I said last week it is certainly not helpful to respond to others who are angry or critical with anger or criticism back. And it is also often not helpful to negate another's feelings or give advice when it is not asked for. Suppressing our own feelings as outlined in previous blogs, is also not helpful. So how do we respond when we feel irritated or angry with someone in angry pants? Here is the 3 part strategy... 1. Get out of there Before we have had any training in dealing with anger and are in the habit of reacting to anger with anger it is best to remove ourselves from the situation to avoid the situation exploding into a fierce criticism ping pong or boxing match. 2. 3 Breaths As outlined previously this involves being aware of the anger and not reacting in an unhelpful way by either exploding or suppressing the feeling. This takes some practice because it can feel uncomfortable to sit with the feeling of anger. As I have said we often habitually react with exploding in anger back or equally harmfully attempting to suppress it and pretend we are not angry. We habitually do this because we want to get rid of that uncomffy feeling of anger. It is important to acknowledge the feeling, although uncomfortable, and breathe through it. If we can stick with the uncomfy feeling and simply breathe mindfully the feeling will pass and we will be free to respond from a more helpful spot, rather than react from habit. I had the chance to practice this the other day and was reminded how helpful it is to my peace of mind. I was in a car with my angry person so strategy one, 'get the hell out of there' was not an option, certainly not a safe one! And plus I have been doing some training over the years, so fortunately option two was available. I did my three breaths and then responded by validating their angry feelings with a 'I can see you are frustrated' and then a 'please be kind'. They still had their angry pants on but my comments certainly helped my present and future peace of mind. I was tempted to chip in with all sorts of helpful advice but fortunately remembered that previous responses to my 'helpful' advice included - 'don't give me that b***** b** s**** ' so decided to refrain and say no more. 3. Compassion This takes some work on steps one and two. It also includes and understanding that angry people are unhappy people and are hurting themselves and others. Fortunately in this situation I remembered this and tried to feel compassion for them - it is not fun when you don't know you can remove the angry pants and how to do it. Again, feeling compassion may require some practice. I certainly did not feel compassion at the time, although I was happy I recalled compassion was the appropriate response. When I find it tricky to be compassionate to others one thing that really helps me is a pearl of wisdom a Canadian friend Hilary shared with me several years ago. She wisely told me that when she wants to be compassionate and doesn't' feel that way she says to herself ' I don't feel compassion in this situation, but I wish I did'. This acknowledgment of how we are feeling and the wish to feel differently is powerful in sowing the seeds to grow compassion in the future. Thank you Hilary. Have a great week. Thank you all Kind Regards and Best Wishes Maree xx !Do you ever get your angry pants on and forget you can take them off? I have been noticing a few people wearing their angry pants as they express their rage over waiting for doctors, traffic jams and delays and other disruptions or frustrations. We all get angry at times, anger just seems to pop up out of nowhere! But, as we know anger is a habit and like all habits can be changed through remembering we have a choice in how we respond when it pops up.
It is tricky when the unhelpful habits of expressing or repressing our anger both are strong. But, as Neuroscience tells us habits can be changed. It feels uncomfortable when anger arises and we often habitually explode or equally harmfully implode or repress our anger, to try to escape the discomfort of feeling angry. But we can free ourselves of these harmful reactions with some training. As I have said many times I find taking 3 mindful breaths when I feel the discomfort of anger arise. the frees me from the habit of reacting with explosion or suppression and allows me to respond from a more helpful spot. Sadly, we often don't realise or forget that we have a choice when it comes to our response to anger. Sometimes we get up in the morning, 'on the wrong side of the bed' put our angry pants on and go about our day full or negativity, frustration and anger. We don't know we can take those angry pants off, and how to do it. So, what is my best response in the face of someone wearing their angry pants? The answer is to not respond with anger back, which can be challenging and can take some practice. It helps to understand that anger never helpful. As the Dalai Lama says "Anger is the ultimate destroyer of your peace of mind". So we can take our 3 mindful breaths and not criticise, express anger back, or suppress it either. Sitting in this discomfort for awhile and allowing it to pass frees us and allows for a wise response. We will talk more about this next week blog - '3 Steps in Dealing with Someone Wearing Angry Pants'. It is important that we allow ourselves to acknowledge the feeling of anger, frustration or resentment. Suppressing it or pretending it is not there and attempting to bypass the feeling is never helpful. I find the 3 breaths very helpful in freeing me from the habitual response of reacting back in anger or attempting to suppress of ignore it, both. When I acknowledge the feeling and breathe I am free to choose to respond in a more helpful way. If we are able to not react with anger back to someone who is angry, this may or may not help them with their anger, but it will certainly help us feel better about the situation and benefit our future peace of mind too. The appropriate response to someone hurting themselves by being angry is compassion, however if you are like me you may need lots of practice with not responding back in anger first. One thing I often forget to do in the face of someone who is angry at me or a situation, is to acknowledge or validate their feeling of frustration at a particular event with something like - 'you seem frustrated by the wait, it has been a long time'. This is like that acknowledgment of my own feelings too. However this acknowledgment does not mean hopping on that negative angry train with them or ourselves either. Doing 3 breaths allows me to respond from a helpful spot rather than get angry at them for being angry, critical or negative. It also helps me to resist the temptation to give them all sorts of advice on what they need to do to remove their angry pants! In my experience this giving of advice when it is not asked for, often inflames an angry situation. So this is yet another way I can be better for others. No one likes to be around people who are angry, including ourselves. As the Dalai Lama says 'It destroys our peace of mind". If I can be more aware of acknowledging the feeling and taking 3 breaths to create some space for a more appropriate response when I experience anger in myself or others I can be better for others and myself too. Patience and compassion for myself and others, although may take some work to cultivate, always feels good. More about this next week Have a great week. Thank you all! Kind Regards and Best Wishes Maree xx Do you ever get disappointed with yourself when you fail to meet your expectations, even when they are unrealistic? And do you think that in order to give yourself appreciation you need to have done something amazing or be amazing? I often set high unrealistic expectations of myself (and others too) and wind up feeling disappointed and disapproving. This never helps me feel confident, happy or have peace of mind.
When I can be more realistic regarding my expectations, and be kind, encouraging and appreciative of myself and my big and small efforts to be better for others no matter how small, I can relax and be happy. One big unrealistic expectation i can have, is that 'I need to do something amazing or be amazing' in order to be better for others. This is untrue and as Mother Teresa says 'Never worry about numbers. Help one person at a time and always start with the person nearest you'. It is somewhat crazy that we can have unrealistic expectations of what it means to be kind. I am often reminded that our small achievements or the small, kind things we do for others can be as important as the big ones. We don't have to be saving someone from a near death experience, or be a high flying whoever, to make a big difference to others. A smile to a stranger, a word of encouragement or a compliment can totally change someone's day or life for the better. Those times when we do anonymous kind things for others, without the need to seek approval or thanks, are especially powerful. We have seen ourselves do the kind act, so are able to give ourselves appreciation and feel happy about all the small ways we can be better for others. Again I need to be aware to balance things out with a 'better for others' attitude and not let pride get in the way by somehow thinking that I am better than others by practicing kindness! Remembering humility and that others provide the opportunity for me to practice kindness helps too. We sometimes believe we need to be amazing in our careers, or personal lives and have it all happening to be successful. If we are able to be kind and do our best with the 'better for others attitude', It doesn't matter what we do. I was told of a much loved cleaner in a Cancer Hospital, who with her light hearted, bright disposition and compassionate, kind manner made a huge difference to the patients she met. Although not qualified as a doctor she was certainly administering good medicine. The good medicine of kindness and as Aesop reminds us 'No act of kindness no matter how small is ever wasted.' One night in Bali I was reminded by a Balinese mosquito of the Dalai Lama quote, 'If you think you're too small to make a difference... try sleeping with a mosquito in the room'. Have a great week. Thank you all. Kind Regards and Best Wishes Maree xx |
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