Better FOR Others - No Need to Compare

​I have been reminded recently how toxic it is to my peace of mind to compare myself to others, as better or worse! As Theodore Roosevelt says "Comparison is the thief of joy'. Comparison not only robs us of joy, it also disturbs our peace of mind and erodes our self esteem and well being. 

So how do I stop the unhelpful habit of comparing myself to others? By being Mindful of, or paying attention to, what is going on. As we said last week we all have this ability, we just need to learn how to use it well. We can  improve the quality of the attention we bring to our self talk, connection with others and situations? Remembering that a quality of attention informed by kindness and respect is always helpful. 

So how do I bring this kind, respectful attention to myself and others when I am tempted to compare myself to others. I find it helpful to question the truth of my judgemental and comparing thoughts and dust off more helpful replacement thoughts and responses to myself and others. 

It is important to acknowledge that we are all different - we all have different shapes, sizes, talents, habits, and personality traits, BUT there is no need to use these differences as a way to judge ourselves or others and feel superior or inferior! It may be more helpful to.......

1. Remember and rejoice in all those ways we are better FOR others - all those ways we are a positive force in the world, no matter how small.
2.  Be mindful of feelings of 'better or worse' than others and  STOP the comparing accounting to work skilfully to replace these thoughts with more helpful ones like.......

• I have no need to compare myself to others
• I am doing my best with what I have available at the time (and others are too) - which does not mean I cannot learn from so called mistakes, and do a 'better best' next time!
• Being happy for others, their achievements and things going right for them instead of letting thoughts of jealousy  or envy go on.

So we can work skilfully with these thoughts and replace them with more helpful ones.  Sometimes this does not come easily, but  things that help me are ...

• To remember how yucky it feels to perpetuate these jealous, envious, superior or inferior, inadequate thoughts helps.
• Some times it may be necessary 'fake it till you make it'. As my friend Hilary reminds me even the thought to want to feel differently (for example, happy for them, when you are not feeling that way)  is very powerful for positive change.

 
Our culture provides us with many ways to compare ourselves to others, especially through social media. Often people present their best on social media - we really do not know what is happening in other's lives - kindness and compassion for others and ourselves is always helpful. Resisting the temptation to compare can be tricky,  but well worth the effort.

I often find myself in situations where I am tempted to compare myself in terms of my physical appearance, fitness, parenting skills and what my kids are up to, achievements, intellectual ability, and skills. Anything and everything really! I find it interesting to watch my mind around thoughts of comparison and that unhelpful habit I can have of ...

• Feeling superior regarding things that are going right for us (or wrong for others too!). Things like my parenting runs on the board, what my kids are up to, my and any other achievements. I am not saying to feel unhappy about such thing, instead feel happy and rejoice in them too (and rejoice in the things that are going right for others as well!). Being happy about and rejoicing in all that is going right and the efforts made by ourselves and others to be a more positive, kind force in the world is important for our well being. BUT be mindful to resist the unhelpful temptation to feel superior regarding things going right for us, wrong for others  or......
• Feeling inferior or inadequate regarding things that are not going so well. Times I have made so called mistakes, didn't look my best, lost it as a parent, forgot my medical appointment and lost my paperwork, couldn't learn the tap steps, put my foot in it and had a cooking disaster (more than one) just to name a few. Instead of using it to bash myself up I can instead use these times to develop humility and compassion for myself and others, understand what it is like for others when things go wrong, and remember I am not in control of what happens only how I am able to do my best to respond to what is going on. And to remember the same for others as well instead of feeling happy about things going wrong for others, which is toxic for my sense of well being. I can instead do my best to show compassion for them and their situation. 

So are these thoughts of 'better than others' or 'worse than others' useful or true? NO and NO. We have not need to use our differences or experiences as a way to judge ourselves or others as better or worse! Instead we can be happy for all and all that is going right and compassionate for misfortune. We can be happy about  being the best we can FOR others and others efforts and achievements too! Some ways we can be better FOR others may include...

• Pile on and be happy for others and their achievements and things going right for them 
• Stop comparing and judging - "I have no need to compare myself to others'. It is not kind! As Pema Chodron says "As our kindness for ourselves grows, so does our kindness for other people"
• As we said last week - Do our best to benefit others  - A text I sent this week reminded me and maybe another of this. It read ..... 'RELAX and remember stress and worry about ourselves makes us unhappy and doing what we can to benefit others makes us happy'  
• And again ....Remember to love and appreciate yourself and your efforts to be a kind positive force in the world- no matter what the response or outcome, rest in your kind intention   

Have a great fortnight - I look forward to connecting with you soon 

Kind Regards 
Maree xx

If you'd like to connect further, please get in touch to ...
Find out more about us and pom-melbourne  
 
Email me maree@pom-melbourne.com to

• Buy POM products in support of the Kandy Women's Development Centre and other community projects  
• Come to Crafternoon or attend a Workshop

Subscribe to pom-melbourne.com to receive my weekly blog posts