This fortnight I have enjoyed exploring sympathy and empathy, how they differ and how they relate to compassion and self compassion too. We have been exploring self-compassion in our POM yoga classes for some time now and I thought I was doing pretty well until I was reminded by a conversation with a dear friend this week that I could do with a little more self-compassion. And as I said, I am going to use this 6 weeks of lockdown as a 'self-compassion retreat'. You are welcome to join me. Or to join me for POM yoga on zoom - please email me here for details
I am going to take the wise advice of my friend Shadi and take this time to 'be easy on myself, to do less, rest more and connect with those who support me (including my wise self) and those that don't give myself a break from now (including my task master self)'. I am going to use this time to develop self -compassion, to acknowledge and accept my feelings instead of bypassing them and to connect with myself for the understanding, support and love that I need. A barrier to showing compassion toward others is lacking self compassion. Or as Pema Chodron says 'Compassion for others begins with kindness to yourself". I am going to' look after myself' so I can continue to be available to for others. Brene Brown says 'empathy is communication that incredibly healing message of 'you're not alone'. I am going to remember this in relation to myself and others too. So lets explore empathy first. Dr. Brene Brown, a research professor who has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy, is an expert on the meaning of empathy and sympathy and how they differ. She tells us 'empathy is about connection; sympathy is about separation'. And that 'empathy fuels connectionand sympathy drives disconnection'. She explains that empathy involves ......... 1. Perspective taking or seeing the other persons point of view. This is the ability to put yourself in someone else shoes (including a suffering version of you). In Buddhism this practice is called 'exchanging self for others' and is a practice for developing compassion. 2. Staying out of judgment (Of yourself too). Which is not always easy! Many of us are in the habit of being self-critical. 3. Recognising emotions within another (Or ourselves) (i.e. recognising that anger, for example is happening). We recognise the emotion in another because we know what it is like to experience it. Sympathy is defined as 'a feeling of pity or sorrow for someone else's misfortune. It often lacks the understand and connection of empathy. Empathy is a choice that we make to put ourselves in another person's shoes (including our own) without judgment in order to connect with them. Brene Brown tells us that sharing a listening ear is something we can all do. Extending that listening ear to yourself is important to. When we feel heard, cared about and understood we also feel accepted, loved and as if we belong. We can give that to ourselves as well as to others too! Brown encourages us 'to communicate your understanding of that persons' (or your own) feelings we need to AVOID telling yourself or others things like.......... 'At least you.......... 'It could be worse........ We are often well intentioned with these remarks, they are ways we try to make things better but they do not promote understanding, empathy or connection. So if for example if I tell myself 'at least you still have your mother when my father has just died'. Or 'It could be worse, he could have died 20 years ago'. This response does now allow for acceptance of 'feeling sad', understanding and connection. Another example would be if a friend expresses disappointment regarding her relatives inability to visit due to our lockdown and I say 'at least you have a family that is well and safe'. Again this response does not allow for understanding and connection. Instead wiser responses in both situations would be to say........ As Brown recommends 'I don't know what to say right now - I am so glad you told me'. Or, 'that really hurts, It sounds like you are in a hard place now, tell me more about it Or to say 'I hear you'. You sound really disappointed. And continue to listen. Brown says 'rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection'. Empathy is a skill that strengthens with practice. We can practice it with ourselves and with others. It feels good to be heard and accepted by both ourselves and others. And to extend it to both. In order to connect with anothers we need to connect with the me that knows that feeling. I had been thinking about this in terms of our ABC compassion formula, self-compassion and empathy for ourselves. When we are able to give ourselves the empathy, compassion and love that is needed we are able to connect with the other person. I became aware I was dropping into a couple of pitfalls, (namely by-passing my feelings, and being judgmental or self critical of myself) and was not being empathic toward myself, by 2 conversations I had this week. I will talk about the first this blog and the second next blog. The first was a telephone call from a dear friend from Sydney. We had not spoken since Christmas time and fortunatelyI had popped into her mind to ring. Our conversation involved a catch up on what has been happening for us both. She asked about my family, including my dad who had passed away in January, my mum who has recently been diagnosed with cancer, and some other challenging situations. She helped me to realise that I had lots of challenging times within this challenging time. She said I am sure you are supporting everyone else, but who is supporting you? Fortunately I have and am very grateful for many wonderful supports in my life. However, as my friend helped me realise, there was someone who was not always supporting me or giving me the understanding, love, empathy and compassion I needed. That person was me! That 'task master voice' that told me I should not feel sad and sorry for myself, that I needed to get on with it and soldier on, that I should be grateful and think about others. I cried on and off for most of that day. My friend helped me understand...... A lack of self compassion is a barrier to showing compassion for others. We need to take care of ourselves in order to care for others. Apply the oxygen mask to yourself first! Kindly recognise your negative self talk and reframe it. To 'turn up' that kind, encouraging, empathic voice on the left shoulder and 'turn down' that ' judgmental, task master voice on the right. Whatever judgement I hold against myself will seep into my relationships with others. The Pitfalls to avoid are below. The one I was falling into is in bold in the 'A' in the ABC formula.......... 1. ACCEPT the feeling (sad, disappointed, lonely) AND AVOID a). AVOID AN UNHELPFUL REACTION Catastrophizing 'This is terrible. This is my fault or someone else's What have I done! This unhelpful reaction allows that destructive judgmental attacking voice take over with blame and criticism regarding my experience, feelings or reaction. b). SUPPRESSION THE FEELING (bypassing) Ignoring the sadness, disappointment I was feeling. As I said I did this by letting that 'task master voice' tell me I should not feel sad and sorry for myself, that I needed to get on with it and soldier on, that I should be grateful and think about others', take over. (at least......It could be worse....) Leaving no room for understanding and connection Instead a more helpful response would have been to ACCEPT that sadness was happening and to listen kindly to myself to feel heard and understood. 2. BREATH and tune into the kind, encouraging angel voice This empathy and pause will allow for self-compassionate action. 3. CONNECT - Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what is missing - the understanding, encouragement, love and kindness! So, yet again I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, angel voice gave myself some kind, friendly encouragement. I said to myself 'that really hurts and is sad and disappointing' What do you need? This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do - have a cry and then get on with my look after Maree, Self-Compassion Retreat' . I am taking this time to connect with myself and give myself what is needed first to allow for connection with others and to continue to be there for them too. With love and my very best well wishes to us all Maree xx
0 Comments
This fortnight I have continued to enjoy being more aware of unhelpful habits (working with curiosity, rather than judgement), and replacing them with more helpful habits.
As I said last blog when I am aware of judgment and or conflict within myself and or with others, I try to remember to let it go with curiosity and a helpful slogan like "Oh my funny mind - there it goes again'. This helps me prevent further judgement. And then work to promote peace, beginning with myself. Helpful reminders for me are embroidered slogans on tea towels, aprons and hankies. My friend Kate (who's Birthday is today! Happy Birthday Kate!) inspired me in craftiest slogan embroidering with a tea towel she embroidered for me in 2011! It reads "Never Let A Good Disaster Go To Waste' - Lama Marut 2011". It is a favourite of mine and reminds me to look for the lessons in 'so called' disasters. I am sure Kate or Hilary would be happy to embroider a slogan tea-towel for you - email me here. Lately I have been aware of conflict and have been wanting to promote peace and peace of mind. I have been reminded of some peaceful slogans when I have been tempted to either attack back, suppress or be inactive. I have been reminded that 'peace begins with me' and as Pema Chodron says "Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world." And as Gandhi reminds us 'an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind". So how do I let 'peace begin with me'? I have been trying to continue to remember to be curious and use the formula I have been finding useful. I was working at the Mission Winter Breakfast last Friday. I was serving the tea and coffee. A tricky customer cam in for the second week in a row. He is rather particular about the way he likes his tea and feels the need to instruct and sample in what could be perceived as a demanding way. I was ready for him, armed with curiosity and kindness! He said 'not you again' on seeing me and then asked for his tea hot this time!. I told him the tea was particularly strong and would he like some hot water in it. He said 'no, I just want it hot with not too much milk' and asked me to let him try it. I made the tea and handed it over. He was very cross and exclaimed 'that is not tea, it is coffee! Make me a tea with a tea bag' he demanded! I knew it was tea, but rather than engage in an argument about who was right and who was wrong I remembered Lama Marut's words. 'Would you rather be right or be kind'? I opted for kind and let it go. I went off to find a tea bag, when he yelled impatiently 'you will take too long, don't worry about it, I will take the bloody coffee'! So here is the ABC formula I have been finding helpful to tune into and turn up the kind, encouraging voice and promote peace......... . 1. When there is conflict..............(I have not got the tea/coffee right!) 1. ACCEPT the feeling - frustration and conflict happening AND AVOID............ a). UNHELFUL REACTION............. Attacking myself - 'This is terrible, I am hopeless at making tea'..Letting that destructive attacking voice take over. Attacking him - with blame and criticism regarding his behaviour b). SUPPRESSION THE FEELING Ignoring the frustration. Instead accept and Remember it has come as a reminder to be kind to me (let peace begin with me) 2. BREATH and tune into the kind, encouraging angel voice 3. Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what is missing - the encouragement and kindness! (I would give it to a friend, so why not give it to myself?) Again remembering Brene Brown wise words 'Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love'. So, I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, angel voice gave myself some kind, friendly encouragement. I said to myself 'you are doing a good job, you are lovely Maree'! This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do - do my best to make the tea and be kind and peaceful to both myself and kind and compassionate to him. I have no idea what is going on in his life. As Pema Chodron says 'Compassion for others begins with kindness to yourself'. I could have said to him 'please be kind.' (full stop) to remind myself and him of kindness. I can remember doing this with teenage kids in the midst of conflict. The trick is to say it and let go of the expectation for it to have an immediate change, and instead trust both you and others have heard it. Another customer came in a short time later. Would you believe his words of greeting to us were 'What a great job you are doing - you are all so lovely'! I was amazed to hear my kind, encouraging words to myself expressed word for word! Again I felt very grateful for everything including my wonderful teachers and the lesson to reduce inner conflict and judgement and give myself the kindness and peace that appeared to be missing! Then I can then let this peace flood the world, as Pema says. I was very grateful for this lesson to 'be kind to me' and then 'let this help me have compassion for others'. Here are some self talk slogans I find helpful to replace some of those unhelpful attack ones. Maybe you will find them helpful too.
When I can be kind, encouraging friend to myself and reduce that internal conflict I can be available to be kind and compassionate to others too! As Pema Chodron says 'Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world'. We will explore some more helpful slogans next blog. With love and my very best well wishes to you all Maree xx Last blog we explored increasing our awareness of unhelpful habits and working with curiosity, rather than judgement, to replace them with more helpful habits. I was interested to read that Megan Watterson considers curiosity to be a form of compassion. This is so true! Rather than be critical or judgmental of yourself and others you can instead bring a sense of curiosity to whats happening. When judgment of myself and others comes up I try to remember to let it go with curiosity and a helpful slogan like "Oh my funny mind - there it goes again'. This helps me prevent further judgement.
Last week I lost my wallet, complete with credit cards, cash, driver's licence and other things! I had the opportunity to be aware of my self-critical, destructive habit as I was tempted to go into panic mode! I was aware that the inner voice, the destructive one on my right shoulder start up 'How could you be so stupid and irresponsible, Someone was going to take off with all my money, steal my identity. Once again, I was on the way to working myself into a nervous wreck. As my friend Shadi reminds me - Curiosity rather than judgment is so useful. How are any of those judgmental, fearful thoughts of any use? No! And as Byron Katie says they are simply not true. So often we head to that fear of the future when there is simple no need. Everything is perfectly ok when we bring ourselves back into the present moment. Our fear and worry exist in times that don't. - the future that has not come yet and the past that has already gone. So some breaths back to the present and curiosity needed here. So I remembered to be curious and use the formula I have been finding useful. 1. ACCEPT the feeling - fear and stress are happening AND AVOID............ a). UNHELFUL REACTION............. This is terrible, I am in suck trouble, I am so stupid....Letting that destructive attacking voice take over. b). SUPPRESSION THE FEELING Ignoring the anxiety. Instead accept and Remember it has come as a reminder to .....A blog that might be useful is stress as a friend. 2. BREATH and tune into the kind, encouraging angel voice 3. Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what is missing - the encouragement and kindness! (I would give it to a friend, so why not give it to myself?) Again remembering Brene Brown wise words 'Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love'. So, I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, angel voice gave myself some kind, friendly encouragement. I said to myself 'that can happen - it doesn't mean that I am irresponsible, or stupid, worry is not going to help, As Lama Marut says worry is never any use. If you can do something about a concern, do it and don't worry. If you cant do anything about it, don't worry. This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do - look for the wallet and suspend my credit cards. Would you believe my wallet turned up 2 evenings later. It had fallen off my lap onto the road next to the driver's side door. A kind passer by had placed it on the bonnet of the car near the windscreen. Amazingly the wallet travelled to and from Glen Waverley and then onto Carlton where one of Alice's friends found it while helping her unpack the car. I felt very grateful for everything including my wonderful teachers and the 'be kind to me' lesson. Here are some self talk slogans I find helpful to replace some of those unhelpful attack ones. Maybe you will find them helpful too. 1. When things go wrong..............(I have lost my wallet!) Turn up that kind, encouraging voice .......
And of course remember to be that kind, encouraging friend to others too! As Pema Chodron says 'Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world'. We will explore some more helpful slogans next blog. With love and my very best well wishes to you all Maree xx Have you ever wondered about that voice in your head? The one that seems to be there all the time. A helpful analogy I learnt from Lama Marut is that that voice is like a radio station. Sometimes it is tuned to a pleasant enjoyable radio station and other times there is a lot of static and unpleasant talk going on.
Another helpful analogy Lama Marut taught, related to this self-talk, is that is it is like having a couple of little people perched on each of our shoulders. On one shoulder is the critical, nagging, negative, task master voice (that is the unpleasant radio station) The second voice is the kind encouraging friend voice. (that is the enjoyable station or the angel voice). At times that critical, negative voice is so loud and bossy we can't even hear the friendly, kind voice on the other shoulder over the din! We get so habituated to believe and reinforce that critical voice (that is not true) and that is how it gets so loud, attacking and bossy. Angels have always been a bit of a mystery to me. I love seeing them depicted in religious painting, yet have felt confused by their meaning. Harvard Theologian Meggan Waterstone's definition of an angel has helped my understanding. She says 'an angel is simply a thought that lifts us up from out of ourselves, from out of those cages the ego would prefer for us to remain within". For me that kind, encouraging angel voice on the left shoulder is the one that lifts me up by speaking the truth of love. It is the one I want to turn the volume up and listen to. So how do I turn up that kind, encouraging voice so that it becomes the radio station I love to listen to instead of letting that the destructive, unkind one that seems out to get me dominate? Awareness is key. I had the experience a couple of weeks ago where I was onto this self-critical, destructive habit. I was feeling unsure about a discussion group I was leading that evening. I had done all the preparation and was seemingly ready. About an hour before the class I had doubt about my ability to teach the class. I was aware that the inner voice, the destructive one on my right shoulder was getting louder. "Do you think you are qualified to take this group? You are not an amazing teacher like ........" There is more but I will spare you the details. I was working myself into a nervous wreck. Woooo, such unhelpful habits - judging myself as not good enough', unrealistic expectations, and comparing myself to others. How are any of those judgmental, attack thoughts of any use? And they are simply not true. So I remembered to be curious and use the formula I have been finding useful. 1. ACCEPT the feeling - stress, doubt are happening AND AVOID............ a). UNHELFUL REACTION............. This is terrible, I am not qualified, good enough ....Letting that destructive attacking voice take over. b). SUPPRESSION THE FEELING Ignoring the anxiety. Instead accept and Remember it has come as a reminder to ..... 2. BREATH and tune into the kind, encouraging angel voice 3. Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what is missing - the encouragement and kindness! (I would give it to a friend, so why not give it to myself?) Brene Brown says 'Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love'. So, I know it may sound a little crazy but I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, angel voice gave myself some kind, friendly encouragement. I said to myself 'you have done your best to prepare for this class, how it will be received is not in your control, you have no need to compare yourself to others. This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do - teach the class. We will explore some more helpful self talk slogans to replace some of those unhelpful ones next blog! So it is just a matter of changing those untrue, destructive thought patters into more helpful ones. A work in progress that takes practice. With awareness we can remember to insert a new soundtrack, a much more helpful one, to replace the self criticism. Amazingly as I was preparing for this class my daughter was playing a song by Michael Hurley entitled 'Be Kind to Me' . The song begins with lyrics 'Why be mean when you can be nice'? This was a very timely reminded to 'be kind to me'. With love and my very best well wishes to you all Maree xx
Have you ever done something kind for someone and not been thanked or maybe even be told off for it? This happened to me a couple of times this past fortnight and I had to remind myself of some very helpful advice I have received from Lama Marut and Cindy Lee over the years I have been studying with them. It may be a helpful reminder for you too.
What happened was I had made some meals for a relative of mine and she told me she did not want them as she had gone back to eating her favourite meals and could get them from a local food shop. Ouch, I felt hurt I had done something kind and it was rejected! Fortunately I remembered to play my kind, encouraging friend soundtrack and not the unhelpful ones. So what did I find helpful 1. Accept the feeling - ouch, hurt happening. NOT UNHELFUL REACTION............. 'I am so hurt and offended - this is not fair - I did a kind thing and she is unappreciative. (lots of 'I's' in there!) AND NOT SUPPRESSION EITHER 'Oh it doesn't matter I should not be upset, my meals aren't that good anyway. I should not say anything she has been sick. 2. Kindly ask myself ....What do I need? I need to give myself what is missing - the appreciation and thanks! So, I know it may sound a little crazy but I gave myself some kind, friendly encouragement and said 'Good on you Maree, it was kind of you to make those meals - thank you. This helps me not to feel resentful or unappreciated. If I am able to supply the thanks that appears to have 'gone missing', I don't need to get it outside of myself and can be compassionate to my relative who is unable to be appreciative at that time. As Pema Chodron says "Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves'. I have even embroidered 'loved and appreciated' onto my apron to remember to thank myself for my cooking efforts. This helps when I expect thanks from the family and feel resentful when it does not come or even when the response is 'I don't like Lasagna' after I have spent all afternoon making it! Another thing I find very helpful to remember here is the principal of karma. This term is often misunderstood as a way to get what we want to as a punishment for not doing the right thing. Another way to understand karma is 'what goes around, comes around' or 'you get what you give'. So, as I understand it putting kind, positive energy out into the world will always result in some returned kindness. But the trick to remember is both....... 1. - How this kindness will be retuned is unknowable 2. - When this kindness will show up In Buddhism they say that a kind deed or positive energy put out in the world will always result in positivity retuned. And that something unpleasant cannot come from a kindness. The converse is also true. They say the result of action can ripen in one of three lifetimes - this lifetime, the next lifetime or any lifetime after that! Often we do a kind deed and there appears to be a gap or 'thanks gone missing', or even unkindness. This throws us for a loop, as Lama Marut would say. So, what do I do based on that? Keep putting positive kind energy out there without expectation of immediate reward, knowing that any lack of appreciation or unkindness cannot be coming from a kind deed done. As we know kindness done will always result in kindness received we just don't know where and when. So, relax and trust kindness will definitely be returned in some way, at some time! And remember we can give that kindness and thanks to ourselves anytime! As Aesop reminds us 'No act of kindness, however small, is ever wasted. The best way to receive kindness is to give it out with a kind gesture, word or smile, sharing something helpful or a well wish for someone in need. And remember to be a kind and encouraging friend to yourself too. With love and my very best well wishes to you all Maree xx
In last fortnights blog 'Working Together to Promote Calm an Peace' we explored some ideas on how to foster calm and peace amongst all the uncertainty and fear that surrounds us all.
I wanted to explore this further and have been drawn back to foundations. I have been reminded of 'Lama Marut's Components of a Sane Life' and have been doing my best to put them into practice. I seem to have more time to do this which is nice. So what are these nine components 'Lama Marut's Components of a Sane Life' 1. Every night get a good nights sleep 2. Every morning wake up grateful 3. Meditate each day (prayer or contemplation are forms of meditation) 4. Keep track to you morality all day 5. Practice kindness to others (and yourself) 6. At days end bring to mind all the ways you were a positive force in the world and feel happy about that. Rejoice in all the ways you were better FOR others today (this includes maintaining social distance, hand washing and staying home) 7. Do some form of physical exercise 8. Every day spend some time studying something uplifting 9. One a week take a day off (we have lots of opportunities for this - time to rest, relax and replenish) It is like this now! What is my Wisest Response? Another thing that has really helped me is Lama Marut's saying 'It is like this now' which reminds me to accept what is happening right here and now instead of protesting that somehow it should be different from what it actually is! Jack Kornfield has an extension of this particular phrase for more extreme times. 'Even this!' Once we have accepted how things actually are we can then ask ourselves - What is my wisest response to how it is now? When we take time to consider your best intention, our heart will know the answer and encourage us to enact kindness to ourselves and others. 3 Foundational Practices I have also been reminded of the importance of our three foundational practices 1. Gratitude 2. Kindness to oneself and others 3. Meditation and contemplation - The Breath Look after yourself (for you and others) Take this time to replenish, restore and rest. Fill up your tank so you have plenty to share with others. As we explored last blog taking time to look after ourselves with those balanced self care activities is important for our own welfare allows us to be available for others. Our Pith Instructions As Cindy Lee reminded me the other day - following the pith instructions given to us by the government is the way to stay safe for ourselves and others 1. Stay at home 2. Wash your hands 3. Maintain social distance 4. Do it for others Relax I have been reminded of the importance of not letting fear and worry take over in my mind. Lama Marut says 'if you can do something about it, do it and relax and don't worry' and if you can't do anything about a situation, relax and don't worry! So either way worry is a waste of time and relaxing into what you can and can't control is much more conducive to our peace of mind. Jack Kornfield says 'This is a time of mystery and uncertainty. Take a Breath. We have needed this pause, perhaps even needed our isolation to see how much we need one another'. With love and my very best well wishes to you all Maree xx Please email me maree@pom-melbourne.com to order or to
As I mentioned we are all facing very difficult times. I have been contemplating how to promote calm and peace amongst all the uncertainty and fear that surrounds us all. I believe it is important to firstly acknowledge the real danger and the enormous loss and suffering evident everywhere and secondly to honour our associated feelings. It is important to work with our feelings with as much kindness, compassion and wisdom as we can muster.
When feelings of fear and anxiety come up I try to remember to accept and acknowledge them and not push them away or suppress them. I also try to remember not to indulge such feelings and go into panic, victim or blame mode either. Very tricky to do currently! Somewhere in the middle is to work with ourselves and our feelings of fear, sadness or overwhelm, kindly. What do I need? What has my friend stress popped up to remind me to do? I have written some blogs in the past regarding our friend stress and what it has to teach us. You may want to read Meet my Friend Stress or 'Another Gift Our Friend Stress Brings" . These blogs were written with regard to minor stresses in comparison to what we are facing now, but they may provide some ideas regarding dealing with stress. I am sure you can adapt with creativity the ideas presented regarding maintaining connection with others given the current advice on keeping safe distance. . I certainly don't have answers to the complexities of the current situation we all face. I am trying to do my best to deal with my feelings of fear and sadness. That said, I would like to share some things that have helped me. As our need for social isolation increases some ideas I have found useful to maintain my sense of calm, connection and peace of mind have included...... To Adapt, be Kind, Calm and Creative Today I imposed a social safe distance restriction on myself so that I can remain healthy for my mum who has an upcoming cancer operation. So, I am looking at ways to adapt and be creative. I just did my first zoom yoga class which worked really well. We even had our regular post yoga coffee and chat via zoom. I am spending time at home studying, creating, and cooking. With the need for social isolation I have been seeing lots of adaption and creativity around me .......
In gratitude, love and appreciation for you all Maree xx Please email me maree@pom-melbourne.com to order or to
I have been noticing I have been somewhat impatient of late. My perception is that things are certainly not happening as fast as I would like and I have been feeling somewhat frustrated by things not seemingly going the way I think they should be.
The definition of Patience I like is "a calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order that the one you had in mind". I was reminded recently that patience in not the ability to wait but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting. So what is a good attitude while waiting? I believe a good attitude always involves kindness, a calm acceptance and trust. An acceptance of what is happening and not a protest about it not being the way I want it to be. And a trust that things are unfolding just as they are meant to be. Often I look back on times I have been impatient for change or wanted something to happen in a certain way and I am relieved that it did not go the way I thought it should have. With hindsight I can see that things have unfolded for the best, just as they were meant to. Like all feelings, frustration and impatience come and go. Again like all feelings, they will persist if we do either of two unhelpful habits. Firstly attempt to suppress the feeling, bottling it up inside so it is primed to explode out. And secondly, indulge the feeling with all sorts of justification, blame and criticism of self or others. If we can calmly accept the feeling with that detached awareness, breathe and relax it will pass allowing us to know when and how to act wisely. The person I am most often impatient with is myself! When I am unable to get things done in time (like writing this blog) I become impatient with myself and have an unkind soundtrack going on in my head. Where is the patient, 'good attitude while waiting' soundtrack - the patient friend internal voice that is accepting, kind, encouraging and trusting? My husband told me about a kind, encouraging strategy to help overcome blocks to getting things started, many years ago. I used it to help overcome the impatience I had with myself when I had not written the blog on time! The strategy is to sit down for 10 minutes and make a start. I did this and here I am an hour later and nearly finished my blog. I read an interesting analogy regarding patience that has helped me maintain a good attitude while waiting. The analogy involves imagining you are a surfer. You work hard to get out to the wave break and then you have to be patient and wait for awhile until the right wave comes along. So waiting with a good attitude - calmly accepting the wait, breathing and relaxing into the wait. With this attitude you are then ready for the right wave when it comes along. You can then paddle like mad to catch the wave and have a great time riding it into shore. With patience we are able to be mindful of when we need to wait and when we need to act. We will sense when there is a great opportunity and we can go for it. Stay patient and TRUST what you feel and you will know when to be stay patient and when to paddle like a professional surfer and catch the ride of your life or complete this blog on patience! In appreciation for you all. Have a great fortnight! Maree xx I tripped over while doing a morning plod around the block last week! It was a rather spectacular fall which resulted in a lump on my forehead, graze on my knee, a black eye and sprained wrist!
This fall reminded how easy it is for me to slip into the whole blame/judgement habit, both of myself and others! I hit the concrete, let out some expletives and watched my funny mind go to all sorts of unhelpful places. Firstly, I looked for something or someone to blame! The curb, the dog, or my runners!! Then I turned on myself to give me a hard time for being clumsy, rushing and not being mindful! Was any of this true, kind necessary or helpful? NO! So, what did I need? What was a more helpful habit to replace this blame/criticism with? Kindness is the answer, it always helps. When I blame and criticise myself or others, I become a victim. However with kindness I empower understanding and positive change. So with awareness, I stuck a spanner in the blame/criticism habit cog, the spanner or kindness! So I picked myself up told myself 'that can happen, and did'! I was very grateful I was not wearing my glasses and did not appear to have done any serious damage! A man appeared from a house opposite with his bowl of muesli. He had been having breakfast on his porch and had heard the fall and my expletives. He kindly asked if I needed help and offered me a drink. I have found it interesting to think about the difference between judgement and discernment. As I understand it judgement is an opinion about a subject or situation based on the information you have. With judgement it is tricky to know whether we have the correction information about a situation or know the whole or true story. It is certainly not true that I am always clumsy, make mistakes, and am not mindful. So when I watched my mind go straight to blame and judgement when I fell I could question the truth and helpfulness of this habit. Judgement implies someone is at fault or to blame. Discernment, on the other hand is based on a knowing or understanding. So we know or understand something as a result of some training in ethics, compassion and wisdom, which allows us to make a wise decision. And the wisest response is always kindness. In Buddhism they talk of 'things to take up' and 'things to give up' in order to be a happier more positive force in the world. We require discernment to know what habits are helpful and what habits could to with a rejig. When I notice this habit of blame and criticism of myself or others I try to remember ........
Maree xx |
Categories |
RSS Feed