|
I have been continuing to do some exploration and experimenting around what it means to take better care of ourselves, with that motivation of doing so to be more available to do what is needed to be available for others. I am continually reminded that if I do not do this and become tired and cranky I am no use or fun to be around for anyone, including me.
For me Helen Reddy’s ‘Best Friends’ song reminds how to take care of ourselves so wisely and practically. As I said last blog the words acknowledge for me, both the truly wise and also the uniquely human nature, we all have. I decided to explore some best friend characteristics and thought about the fact that sometimes a best friend will tell us a hard truth about what is best for us. This is often a painful truth that may be difficult to say and to hear. When our inner best friend/wise self is speaking it is always in our best interest. Lama Marut uses the analogy of our wise best friend on the left shoulder and our egoic task master on the other. Often, we cannot hear what our best friend is suggesting because the task master is so loud and demanding. In my self-care exploration I came across some helpful advice from Meggan Watterson. It was about tuning into and listening to the intuitive needs of the body. Our body has lots of integrated wisdom and lots to teach us about self care we just need to develop the internal ears to listen. So instead of ignoring the ultimate wisdom of the body I have been playing with allowing for a living dialog with what my body needs in any moment. I found a wonderful little book by Sarah Ford entitled ‘Be a Sloth and when in doubt, just chill out. I think it is written for me. I have learnt that sloths get a bad wrap and that I have a lot to learn from them. A quote from the book ‘Sloth is always true to himself. He doesn’t do exercise (because that is not what his body needs), but he does look after himself – he eats well, sleeps well and is tune with his mind and his body in all its hairy entirety.’ More about what we can learn from sloths next bog! The difference between want and need for me is the difference between an egoic want and a best friend/wise self need. Instead of imposing what I think I want or expect (ego talking), I am playing with turning up and listening to what my body needs. (wise/best friend). The body has lots to tell us about self care when we listen. It is important to remember to work with kindness and curiosity with our habits – that’s what our best friend would do. So, no need to be punitive, or for blame, judgment and a hard time! This is a work in progress for me. But I am finding it fun – it begins with ……….
I have been thinking about where and times I may ignore the ultimate wisdom of the body. Where I have been unconsciously harming myself. Times when I don’t tune in to ask my body “What do you need in this moment? (no critical task master necessary – I am learning to tune into my body and its needs). We may ignore the ultimate wisdom of the body when we……..
When I am able to explore my wants and needs with awareness and curiosity, I am able to be aware to tune into my body for what is needed rather than be bossed around by the tricky task master who is so often punitive and demanding with its wants. It takes practice to get used to tuning into and listening to that best friend who is always on your side. For me it is well worth the time and effort. It is an important way I can look after myself in order to be more available to connect and care for others. With love, appreciation and very best well wishes to us all Maree xx
0 Comments
As many of you already know, I am somewhat of a ‘dag’ and enjoying becoming more embracing of my dagginess. A ‘dag’ is an Australian and New Zealand slang term. According to the Urban dictionary the term ‘dag’ can be used affectionately or insultingly. On the so- called insulting side it can be seen as unfashionable, lacking style, or uncool. But, according to the dictionary there are also ways the term can be seen as admirable. These include ‘having one’s own style, not caring for public opinion, being outrageous, being a source of friendly amusement, being original.’ So, I am embracing being friendly, and more comfortable with who I am, embracing my human imperfections, without needing to hide them or cover up being uncool! This daggy work in progress is so liberating, relaxing and much more fun.
Recently I was saddened by the death of a long-time favourite singer of mine, Helen Reddy. I play my old scratched ‘Best of Helen Reddy’ CD all the time. Ironically, three weeks prior to her death I had rung and spoke with Jim at ‘Quality Records’ regarding ordering another copy of my scratched CD. He told me he would get me one, but explained it may take some time! Jim rang back with what he said was some ‘spooky news’ – spooky good, I think! The CD had arrived from the US on the same day that Helen had passed away. While waiting for my CD I have been enjoying listening to her on Spotify. I came across a song of hers I had never heard before entitled ‘Best Friend’! The words of this song had a huge impact on me and I have been sharing the lyrics for the past few weeks. Thankfully for all concerned I have been saying them rather than singing them. There are a couple of u-tube versions online. One of them is particularly daggy – it is from the movie, Airport. It has Helen Reddy as a nun seated on a plane with her guitar, singing “Best Friend’. I LOVE IT! Here are the lyrics…… Best Friend Helen Reddy Would you take better care of yourself Would you be kinder to yourself Would you be more forgiving of your human imperfections If you realized your best friend was yourself Who is always with you everywhere Who is on your side when others are unfair And tell me, who will never let you down in any situation Who will always see you get your share And that's why I am a best friend to myself And I take me out whenever I feel low And I make my life as happy as a best friend would I'm as nice to me as anyone I know Here is the Best Friend u-tube link if you would like to have a listen. The words for me sum up being a ‘kind encouraging friend to yourself’ or ‘your own cheerleader’ as a friend reminded me the other day! This is something I have been learning to do and I have been banging on about in yoga and elsewhere for years! These words also acknowledge, for me, both the divine and uniquely human nature we all have. They help remind me to tune into my Wise self, Best Friend, Buddha Nature, Basic Goodness, Love, Divine Self, Soul, or Universal Wisdom (whatever you want to call that, beyond words part of us we all have equally) to help out that uniquely human aspect we also all have! This assists me to embrace my human imperfections with kindness, encouragement, (to give courage) curiosity, (a form of compassion), empathy and compassion, just like a best friend! As Brene Brown says 'imperfections are not inadequacies, they are reminders that we're all in this together'. Having finished this blog, I am ‘taking myself out’ for a walk in the sunshine now. With love, appreciation and very best well wishes to us all Maree xx I have taken on a new job! I am a self appointed Uplifter. Maybe you would like to join the ranks of uplifters too. Most probably, you are already an uplifter. Would you believe as I type this, the ping of an incoming email is from a beautiful POM uplifter, Michelle. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and inspiration. There are plenty of uplifting job opportunities, especially as we all face many tough conditions due to the covid virus. Sadly, here are so many suffering from insecure finacial situations, mental health issues and associated problems. I see so much fear around as we face longer restrictions and I have been thinking of ways to 'keep my pecker up' and do my best to help others peck up too! Here are some tips on uplifting you may find helpful to keep your pecker up. And to help others keep their peckers up too. 1. Spread JOY - Sharing a smile (an uplifting of the mouth) is simple and uplifting! However our current mask wearing has made this somewhat tricky! Although we always have our smiling eyes. So remember to smile anyway and look out for the smiling eyes of others too. Saying hello to passers by. I have been doing this for some time now. Sadly, I have noticed the strike rate of replies has decreased of late, which has increased my determination to continue to get that positive energy out there. It is never lost! - Doing what brings you joy - singing, dancing, reading, exercising, cooking, footy, domestic chores. Tina Turner belting out of the stereo has helped me plough through the vacuuming in domestic bliss. And remembering Gandhi's words about joyful effort ......... - A friend told me the other day she decided not to do the evening dishes because she felt she could not do them with joy (and did not want to build up resentment). She decided to leave them for later when she had had a rest. Without being asked her partner went and did them, joyfully. Both giver and receiver joyfully served.
- When others are joyful and have great things going on, be happy for them! Sometimes this is tricky, but remembering Lama Marut's wise words that when we pile onto the happiness of others we increase our own happiness! So, I am choosing to feel happy for those who are enjoying the freedom of less restrictions. And reminding them not to feel guilty or to put a ceiling on their happiness. - Don't put a ceiling on your joy! Often we think we cannot be happy if others are suffering. While it is important to have understanding compassion and empathy for those having misfortune(including ourselves) and to do what we can to help and be of benefit, it is not helpful to have pity or hop in the hole with them. Recently I was speaking with a friend in New Zealand. He told me he felt bad that he was enjoying freedom while we were still restricted. I told him it was not helpful to feel guilty, and instead told him enjoy his situation and share it so I could pile on and enjoy his joy. 2. Practice gratitude and appreciation. - As we know appreciation is the simplest and uplifting thing we can do. - Remembering our morning gratitude practice and to pause and appreciate all the wonderful things going on, especially in nature in spring. Pause 'to smell the roses'! 3. Look after yourself so you can be available to look after others - We can uplift ourselves by looking after ourselves and by being that kind, encouraging friend to ourselves, instead of that harsh, critical task-master. So making sure we have enough rest, relaxation, reduce stress and worry, be kind and encouraging to ourselves and do what brings us joy, fills up our tank and uplifts us so we have plenty to share to be uplifting and of benefit to others! In the words of Ali Washington 'By taking of myself, I have so much more to offer the world than I do when I am running on empty'! This is like a positive upward spiral - we uplift ourselves, we uplift others, and we rise by uplifting others - up and up we and others go. - Remember our ABC practice, A - Accept and Acknowledge (with curiosity :)), B - Breathe to C -Connect to our wise self to give ourselves what we need so we can Connect to others to be of benefit. 4. Be motivated by love instead of fear. Be an uplifting warrior, not a fearful worrier! - A lovely quote by Meggan Watterson says this beautifully. She says 'only take action when what is moving us is the force of love at the heart of everything.(connecting to and acting from the wise self). (Our 'ABC' practice!) And the Dalai Lama 'The more you are motivated by love the more fearless and free your actions will be. 5. Work for the benefit of others The Dalai Lama says 'the intelligent way to be selfish is to work for the benefit of others'. This reminds me that it is not selfish to look after myself in order to be available to be of benefit to others. As Lama Marut says 'be better for others' and not 'better than others'. So, having a full tank means we have lots to share to be of benefit to others. Some uplifting sharing ideas include....... - Ask RUOK. We recently had RUOK day. This wonderful campaign reminds us to connect with others to make sure they are ok. This has never been more relevant. So we can reach out to connect to others any day! Is there someone in your life that needs contact or an uplift? We can connect through a smile, 'hello', letter, text message, phone call, an outside, socially distanced visit, a local doorstep drop off or pressie in the mail or an email. We all know how wonderful it feels to know someone has taken the time to think of us and to connect. 6. Practice Random acts of Kindness Who can you uplift with a random act of kindness?. The uplifting connection suggestions above all work wonders and I am sure you have some other great ones too. It's fun to think of ways to connect and uplift all with kindness. So, be creative and have fun with frequent random and uplifting acts to 'make someone's day'! As I have often shared it does not need to be on a grand scale, a smile works wonders! Anonymous acts of kindness, are especially powerful and fun! 7. Get some support if you feel you need it! - Remember we all feel down at times, especially with all that is going on at this time - Asking for help is a strength and not an weakness! Seeking support also gives others the opportunity to be uplifters and help get those peckers up! - This is a difficult time so reaching out to friends, family or professionals for support and an uplift and to provide support is important. - Remember that you won't always feel that way. That is the upside of change. - And don't forget to continue to support yourself as well. Power up that kind, encouraging friend voice on your left shoulder and turn down the negative, critical, fearful one on the right! 8. Give thanks and compliments and encouragement ! Don't be stingy with compliments. They are great to give and receive and are certainly uplifting. And don't skimp on the thanks either. 'Thank you' are two powerful uplifting words. So give them often - both to yourself and to everyone else! We all need encouragement - it gives us the courage to go on! So lots of that too! Encourage yourself and others often! What a great job we are all doing to get through this tough time together! So remember to do your best to get your and others peckers up and appreciate your efforts to be an uplifter, no matter how small.
Again this blog I am continuing to explore empathy, kindness, compassion, LOVE and connection both with ourselves and others. Again I plan to share giving ourselves the gift of love and appreciation using my favourite self compassion tool - The ABC (Acknowledge/Breathe/Connect) practice. I want to further explore the 'C- connecting with our wise self' to give ourselves the 'Love and Appreciation' that appears to have gone missing'!
As I mentioned last blog my favourite definitions of the word appreciate are 'to raise the value of something or someone' and 'to be grateful for something or someone'. When we appreciate something or someone, including ourselves, we raise it up, treasure and respect it. We hold it in esteem with gratitude. WE ARE UPLIFTERS! So, again a summary of the ABC Formula is........... A - Acknowledge and Accept Kindly acknowledging and accepting feelings with curiosity (remember curiosity is a form of compassion) AVOID The task master voice whose judgmental reactions leave no room for understanding, empathy and connection Be empathic toward the feelings you are experiencing. B - Breathe (space bar) Create some space to accept and connect C - Connection - with your wise empathic kind encouraging friend. Connect with wisdom to give yourself what you need (which is always love!) As I said last blog my favourite quote from Kim McMillan I think expresses this perfectly - 'When I loved myself enough, I learned to ask 'who in me is feeling this way?' when I feel anxious, angry, restless or sad (or unappreciated and unloved!). If I listen patiently I discover who needs my love" And another quote from Veronica Tugaleva that expresses this same sentiment “What if each time you experienced an emotion, you acknowledged it, accepted it, and became curious about its message for you (instead of trying to make it go away or make it last longer)? Imagine how this could change your life. Imagine how heard, loved, and honoured you would feel if you really listened to yourself. This ABC practice allows me to develop self -compassion, to acknowledge and accept my feelings instead of bypassing them and to connect with my wise self for the understanding, appreciation, support and LOVE that I need. So let's explore this Connection with our wise selves further. And lets look at how we can give ourselves the LOVE that appears to have gone missing so we have lots to share with others. Some time ago my friend Shadi introduced me to a book Gary Chapman entitled "The 5 Love Languages'. The book Is about learning to express love in, what Gary calls, 5 different languages. The book specifically relates to expressing love in a relationship with a partner. I have enjoyed learning these 5 different ways to express love and how to apply them to my relationship with myself. So what are these 5 practical ways to express LOVE? 1. Words of Affirmation. Using kind, encouraging, appreciative words to lift up others and ourselves. We have explored this lots. It is important to power up our kind encouraging friend voice and not listen to the harsh, critical dialog which is simply not true. Remember to use your name when you are using kind and encouraging self-talk. Research has found that one of the factors related to depression is harsh, critical dialog with ourselves. A destructive conversation in our mind about ourselves to ourselves relates to depression. Kind encouraging dialog to ourselves not only uplifts us but others too. 2. Act of Service Doing anything to ease the burden or responsibility or to please out of love and appreciation (and not obligation). An act of service I have been doing for myself lately is to take the time to relax, rest and replenish. I have also enjoyed walking, and tidying up after myself. (a work in progress) 3. Gifts Gifting something to show that you care and were thought about. I bought myself some headphones and downloaded spotify This has made housework such fun and does not annoy others. I also bought myself a track suit or 'leisure suit' to pop on in the evening to remind me to relax and be at leisure! 4. Physical Touch Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety and love. Some big self-hugs and back massages in yoga, a warm bath, placing my hand on my heart. 5. Quality time Giving undivided attention. Telling myself I have plenty of time to get this blog out and to prepare for Wednesdays class. Taking the time to connect with myself! So lets apply this to feelings of unappreciated ......... A. Acknowledge and Accept B. Breathe (space bar) C - Connection - with your wise empathic kind encouraging friend. Connect with wisdom to give yourself what you need (which is always LOVE (you can give it to yourself in those 5 practical ways) It is important to bring awareness and appreciation regarding why we are doing this particular practice. We are giving ourselves love so that we are available to connect and give to others. WE are ..... - Taking responsibility to fill our 'love tanks' so that we have love to share with others. And so we are not scraping the bottom of an empty tank and exhibiting critical spirit and harmful behaviour to ourselves or others - We are connecting with ourselves and giving ourselves what is needed so that we can be available to connect and share with others . So when I am feeling, for example, tired and unappreciated I (A,B,Connect and Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit). 1. Affirmation I find this is always the easiest on the go one 'Good on you M, it was kind and generous of you to do that for them. Well done'. BINGO - Feeling loved and appreciated with no resentment! 2. Act of Service A well earned rest in my 'leisure suit' 3. Gift My leisure suit! 4. Physical touch A nice warm shower before popping into my leisure suit! 5. Quality time Some time out relaxing of an evening in my leisure suit! When I connect with my wise self to give what is needed I facilitate connection with others, so that I can continue to be there for them too. And as we said last blog..... Remember to love and appreciate yourself for all your efforts, no matter how seemingly small, to be an appreciative, uplifting, kind, encouraging, friendly force in the world. Remember a smile counts heaps. And remember to appreciate and UPLIFT others too. Keeping an eye out for ways to uplift yourself and others is fun and has a huge ripple affect! As the quote above says 'Being told you are appreciated is one of the simplest and most uplifting things you can hear'! And if you would like your free washcloth reminder please email us your postal address here. With love, appreciation and very best well wishes to us all Maree xx
Our last blogs have explored empathy, kindness, compassion and connection both with ourselves and others. We could all do with more love and appreciation at this time, so I wanted to share giving ourselves the gift of love and appreciation using my favourite self compassion tool - The ABC practice. I have shared the ABC (Acknowledge/Breathe/Connect) formula or practice several times. I wanted to share it again to remind myself and maybe you too, to love and appreciate yourselves!
So a summary of the ABC Formula is........... A - Acknowledge and Accept Kindly acknowledging and accepting feelings with curiosity (remember curiosity is a form of compassion) AVOID........ The task master voice........ 1. Suppressing or bypassing - Ignoring the feeling with things like......... - 'I should not feel sad/disappointed/unappreciated... and sorry for myself - I should be grateful and think of others - At Least .......It could be worse .......Yer, but! OR 2. Catastrophizing the situation with blame, judgement and criticism of self and others These reactions leave no room for understanding, empathy and connection INSTEAD - be empathic toward the sad/dissappointed/angy you are feeing B - Breathe (space bar) Create some space accept and connect with values, love and who you want to be C - Connection - with your wise empathic kind encouraging friend. Connect with wisdom to give yourself what you need need (which is always love) A quote from Kim McMillan I think expresses this perfectly - 'When I loved myself enough, I learned to ask 'who in me is feeling this way?' when I feel anxious, angry, restless or sad (or unappreciated and unloved!). If I listen patiently I discover who needs my love" This ABC practice allows me to develop self -compassion, to acknowledge and accept my feelings instead of bypassing them and to connect with my wise self for the understanding, appreciation, support and love that I need. I have had a few reminders to appreciate myself to avoid feeding the resentment of expecting it from others these past weeks. The word appreciate has many dictionary definitions. The ones I like most are 'to raise the value of something or someone' and 'to be grateful for something or someone'. Appreciation synonyms include admired, respect, valuing, treasuring and esteem. So, when we appreciate something or someone, including ourselves, we raise it up, treasure and respect it. We hold it in esteem with gratitude. So, a recent example for me included receiving a series of texts from a friend requesting me to do some things for them. These texts could have been seen as somewhat demanding with a lack of appreciation and I was so tempted to go there!. Fortunately, I was aware that I did not want to build up resentment by bypassing my feelings or blaming and criticising either. So after doing what was asked of me and not receiving appreciation I applied my ABC formula to the feeling of unappreciated. 1. Acknowledged and Accepted the 'unappreciated' feeling 2. Breathed This empathy and pause allow for connection and self-compassionate action. 3. Connected..... With my wise encouraging self to provide the love and appreciation that appeared to have gone missing! So I connected and Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what appears to have gone missing - the love and appreciation for doing what was asked. So, yet again I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, voice and gave myself the 'love that appeared to go missing' in the form of kind, encouraging and appreciative words.......... 'Good on you M, it was kind and generous of you to do that for them. Well done'. BINGO - Feeling loved and appreciated with no resentment! This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do! By connecting with myself to give myself what is needed allows for connection with others and to continue to be there for them too. And then as if by magic a 'thank you" text arrived. Affirmation is one of the ways we can give ourselves the love that appears to have gone mission. We will explore some other ways in upcoming blogs. Over the years I have made reminders to myself and others to 'feel loved and appreciated and to love and appreciate themselves as wel'l. The latest is our cotton washcloths!. Other reminders have included my apron embroidered with the words 'loved and appreciated' - I don't think anyone in the family has noticed, but whats important is that it reminds me . This is especially important when lots of care in meal preparation receives no thanks or even a bad review! I can still appreciate myself for my kindness and effort, which helps prevent resentment and maintains connection. I have also written 'feel loved and appreciated' on the mirror in the toilet and on the concrete footpath outside our house! Remember to love and appreciate yourself for all your efforts, no matter how seemingly small, to be an appreciative, uplifting, kind, encouraging, friendly force in the world. Remember a smile counts heaps. And remember to appreciate others too. As the quote above says 'Being told you are appreciated is one of the simplest and most uplifting things you can hear'! And if you would like your free washcloth reminder please email us your postal address here. With love, appreciation and very best well wishes to us all Maree xx
Last blog we explored empathy and sympathy and how they relate to compassion and self compassion too. We looked at the importance of acknowledging and accepting feelings instead of suppressing them or overreacting with blame and criticism of others or ourselves.
When we bring empathy and understanding to our feelings we can connect with our wise selves for the understanding, support and love that we need. One tool I find particularly useful is the ABC practice. (We will explore this practice again next blog). I am thankful to my friend Shadi for helping me to deepen my understanding of empathy and self compassion. The underlying themes which inform my ‘Compassion Retreat’ include ....... Self Compassion Compassion for and connection to ourselves first. It's like applying the oxygen mask to yourself first in order to be of benefit to others! A lack of self compassion is a barrier to showing compassion for others Letting go of judgement Whatever judgement I hold against myself will seep into my relationships with others. Watching out for that critical task master voice. Look after yourself and others Take this time to show empathy to yourself and others Be easy of yourself – turn up the kind encouraging voice and turn down the task master. Take time for balanced self care – get enough sleep, relaxation, nutrition and exercise. Connection Connect with those who support you (including your kind, wise encouraging self). Connecting with others and our wise selves is important. Connection allows us to overcome feelings of isolation and loneliness. During these difficult times it is important to find ways to connect with others. Some things that you may want to try include - give someone a phone call, join a community group or class (online for now), get some support or help if you need it, volunteer, help someone in need, send a letter or card, zoom, do random acts of kindness and smile. I graffitied our front footpath with 'Feel Loved and Appreciated' and Lama Marut's 'Be Radical, Be Content, when the concrete was wet some time ago. I have seen 3 people photograph it recently! Give yourself a break from those who you feel are not able to support you for now. (including that critical task master voice) Kindness and Gratitude Kindness to all, including you! Gratitude for all those who make our wonderful lives possible, including yourself. So, let’s explore empathy some more. Let’s look at how to give empathic responses (both to ourselves and others) to promote connection, and also what responses to avoid to prevent disconnection. Brene Brown says 'empathy is communication that incredibly healing message of 'you're not alone'. So empathy promotes connection, which as we have said is particularly important for our well being. Brene Brown tells us that 'empathy is about connection; sympathy is about separation'. And that 'empathy fuels connection and sympathy drives disconnection'. She explains that empathy involves ......... 1. Perspective taking or seeing the other persons point of view. 2. Staying out of judgment (Of yourself too) 3. Recognising emotions within another (and yourself). (Remember, no suppressing!) Empathy is a choice that we make to put ourselves in another person's shoes (including our own) without judgment in order to connect with them or ourselves. Listening is important. When we feel heard, cared about and understood we also feel accepted, loved and as if we belong. We can give that to ourselves as well as to others too! When we are able to give ourselves the empathy, compassion and love that is needed we are able to connect with the other person. Brene Brown tells us empathy is a vulnerable choice because it involves connecting with our own feelings first and this can be painful. In order to connect with you I have to connect with myself that knows that feeling. Author, Sue Monk Kid says ‘empathy is the most mysterious transaction that the human can have and is accessible to us all’. She says ‘we have to give ourselves to the opportunity to identify, to plunge ourselves into the story where we see the world through the bottom up or through another’s eyes or heart.’ Empathy Tools So how do I practice empathy? I have had fun these past weeks being aware of acknowledging my feelings and those of others and responding with empathy. Brene Brown tells us when we have a situation where others are expressing their pain to avoid what she calls ‘silver lining it’. We do this because we try to make things better, but rarely does this help or promote connection, empathy or understanding. We ‘silver line’ when we say things like ‘at least’ or ‘it could be worse’. The example Brene Brown uses is - in response to ‘I think my marriage is falling apart’ someone says ‘At least you have a marriage’! I have been aware of when I use these responses both to others and myself. I was speaking with a friend’s son who had just returned back to Melbourne from a camping trip in NSW. He was expressing disappointment in the more severe restrictions here. I said ‘at least you can play tennis’. This response did not acknowledge his feelings of disappointment and showed a lack of understanding, empathy and connection. A more helpful response may have been …….
I realize I do this with my mother too. She has been having hearing problems and I have been doing lots of ‘at leasts’ and ‘It could be worse’s’. So instead I am being aware to listen, acknowledge and provide an empathic response. Remember to avoid these ‘silver lining’ responses with yourself too. Take the time to acknowledge the feeling and to listen. Be aware not to suppress the feeling with these shut-down remarks and instead ABC (Acknowledge, Breathe, and Connect to the wise self to give yourself what is needed). More about this next blog. With love and my very best well wishes to us all Maree xx
This fortnight I have enjoyed exploring sympathy and empathy, how they differ and how they relate to compassion and self compassion too. We have been exploring self-compassion in our POM yoga classes for some time now and I thought I was doing pretty well until I was reminded by a conversation with a dear friend this week that I could do with a little more self-compassion. And as I said, I am going to use this 6 weeks of lockdown as a 'self-compassion retreat'. You are welcome to join me. Or to join me for POM yoga on zoom - please email me here for details
I am going to take the wise advice of my friend Shadi and take this time to 'be easy on myself, to do less, rest more and connect with those who support me (including my wise self) and those that don't give myself a break from now (including my task master self)'. I am going to use this time to develop self -compassion, to acknowledge and accept my feelings instead of bypassing them and to connect with myself for the understanding, support and love that I need. A barrier to showing compassion toward others is lacking self compassion. Or as Pema Chodron says 'Compassion for others begins with kindness to yourself". I am going to' look after myself' so I can continue to be available to for others. Brene Brown says 'empathy is communication that incredibly healing message of 'you're not alone'. I am going to remember this in relation to myself and others too. So lets explore empathy first. Dr. Brene Brown, a research professor who has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy, is an expert on the meaning of empathy and sympathy and how they differ. She tells us 'empathy is about connection; sympathy is about separation'. And that 'empathy fuels connectionand sympathy drives disconnection'. She explains that empathy involves ......... 1. Perspective taking or seeing the other persons point of view. This is the ability to put yourself in someone else shoes (including a suffering version of you). In Buddhism this practice is called 'exchanging self for others' and is a practice for developing compassion. 2. Staying out of judgment (Of yourself too). Which is not always easy! Many of us are in the habit of being self-critical. 3. Recognising emotions within another (Or ourselves) (i.e. recognising that anger, for example is happening). We recognise the emotion in another because we know what it is like to experience it. Sympathy is defined as 'a feeling of pity or sorrow for someone else's misfortune. It often lacks the understand and connection of empathy. Empathy is a choice that we make to put ourselves in another person's shoes (including our own) without judgment in order to connect with them. Brene Brown tells us that sharing a listening ear is something we can all do. Extending that listening ear to yourself is important to. When we feel heard, cared about and understood we also feel accepted, loved and as if we belong. We can give that to ourselves as well as to others too! Brown encourages us 'to communicate your understanding of that persons' (or your own) feelings we need to AVOID telling yourself or others things like.......... 'At least you.......... 'It could be worse........ We are often well intentioned with these remarks, they are ways we try to make things better but they do not promote understanding, empathy or connection. So if for example if I tell myself 'at least you still have your mother when my father has just died'. Or 'It could be worse, he could have died 20 years ago'. This response does now allow for acceptance of 'feeling sad', understanding and connection. Another example would be if a friend expresses disappointment regarding her relatives inability to visit due to our lockdown and I say 'at least you have a family that is well and safe'. Again this response does not allow for understanding and connection. Instead wiser responses in both situations would be to say........ As Brown recommends 'I don't know what to say right now - I am so glad you told me'. Or, 'that really hurts, It sounds like you are in a hard place now, tell me more about it Or to say 'I hear you'. You sound really disappointed. And continue to listen. Brown says 'rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection'. Empathy is a skill that strengthens with practice. We can practice it with ourselves and with others. It feels good to be heard and accepted by both ourselves and others. And to extend it to both. In order to connect with anothers we need to connect with the me that knows that feeling. I had been thinking about this in terms of our ABC compassion formula, self-compassion and empathy for ourselves. When we are able to give ourselves the empathy, compassion and love that is needed we are able to connect with the other person. I became aware I was dropping into a couple of pitfalls, (namely by-passing my feelings, and being judgmental or self critical of myself) and was not being empathic toward myself, by 2 conversations I had this week. I will talk about the first this blog and the second next blog. The first was a telephone call from a dear friend from Sydney. We had not spoken since Christmas time and fortunatelyI had popped into her mind to ring. Our conversation involved a catch up on what has been happening for us both. She asked about my family, including my dad who had passed away in January, my mum who has recently been diagnosed with cancer, and some other challenging situations. She helped me to realise that I had lots of challenging times within this challenging time. She said I am sure you are supporting everyone else, but who is supporting you? Fortunately I have and am very grateful for many wonderful supports in my life. However, as my friend helped me realise, there was someone who was not always supporting me or giving me the understanding, love, empathy and compassion I needed. That person was me! That 'task master voice' that told me I should not feel sad and sorry for myself, that I needed to get on with it and soldier on, that I should be grateful and think about others. I cried on and off for most of that day. My friend helped me understand...... A lack of self compassion is a barrier to showing compassion for others. We need to take care of ourselves in order to care for others. Apply the oxygen mask to yourself first! Kindly recognise your negative self talk and reframe it. To 'turn up' that kind, encouraging, empathic voice on the left shoulder and 'turn down' that ' judgmental, task master voice on the right. Whatever judgement I hold against myself will seep into my relationships with others. The Pitfalls to avoid are below. The one I was falling into is in bold in the 'A' in the ABC formula.......... 1. ACCEPT the feeling (sad, disappointed, lonely) AND AVOID a). AVOID AN UNHELPFUL REACTION Catastrophizing 'This is terrible. This is my fault or someone else's What have I done! This unhelpful reaction allows that destructive judgmental attacking voice take over with blame and criticism regarding my experience, feelings or reaction. b). SUPPRESSION THE FEELING (bypassing) Ignoring the sadness, disappointment I was feeling. As I said I did this by letting that 'task master voice' tell me I should not feel sad and sorry for myself, that I needed to get on with it and soldier on, that I should be grateful and think about others', take over. (at least......It could be worse....) Leaving no room for understanding and connection Instead a more helpful response would have been to ACCEPT that sadness was happening and to listen kindly to myself to feel heard and understood. 2. BREATH and tune into the kind, encouraging angel voice This empathy and pause will allow for self-compassionate action. 3. CONNECT - Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what is missing - the understanding, encouragement, love and kindness! So, yet again I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, angel voice gave myself some kind, friendly encouragement. I said to myself 'that really hurts and is sad and disappointing' What do you need? This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do - have a cry and then get on with my look after Maree, Self-Compassion Retreat' . I am taking this time to connect with myself and give myself what is needed first to allow for connection with others and to continue to be there for them too. With love and my very best well wishes to us all Maree xx This fortnight I have continued to enjoy being more aware of unhelpful habits (working with curiosity, rather than judgement), and replacing them with more helpful habits.
As I said last blog when I am aware of judgment and or conflict within myself and or with others, I try to remember to let it go with curiosity and a helpful slogan like "Oh my funny mind - there it goes again'. This helps me prevent further judgement. And then work to promote peace, beginning with myself. Helpful reminders for me are embroidered slogans on tea towels, aprons and hankies. My friend Kate (who's Birthday is today! Happy Birthday Kate!) inspired me in craftiest slogan embroidering with a tea towel she embroidered for me in 2011! It reads "Never Let A Good Disaster Go To Waste' - Lama Marut 2011". It is a favourite of mine and reminds me to look for the lessons in 'so called' disasters. I am sure Kate or Hilary would be happy to embroider a slogan tea-towel for you - email me here. Lately I have been aware of conflict and have been wanting to promote peace and peace of mind. I have been reminded of some peaceful slogans when I have been tempted to either attack back, suppress or be inactive. I have been reminded that 'peace begins with me' and as Pema Chodron says "Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world." And as Gandhi reminds us 'an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind". So how do I let 'peace begin with me'? I have been trying to continue to remember to be curious and use the formula I have been finding useful. I was working at the Mission Winter Breakfast last Friday. I was serving the tea and coffee. A tricky customer cam in for the second week in a row. He is rather particular about the way he likes his tea and feels the need to instruct and sample in what could be perceived as a demanding way. I was ready for him, armed with curiosity and kindness! He said 'not you again' on seeing me and then asked for his tea hot this time!. I told him the tea was particularly strong and would he like some hot water in it. He said 'no, I just want it hot with not too much milk' and asked me to let him try it. I made the tea and handed it over. He was very cross and exclaimed 'that is not tea, it is coffee! Make me a tea with a tea bag' he demanded! I knew it was tea, but rather than engage in an argument about who was right and who was wrong I remembered Lama Marut's words. 'Would you rather be right or be kind'? I opted for kind and let it go. I went off to find a tea bag, when he yelled impatiently 'you will take too long, don't worry about it, I will take the bloody coffee'! So here is the ABC formula I have been finding helpful to tune into and turn up the kind, encouraging voice and promote peace......... . 1. When there is conflict..............(I have not got the tea/coffee right!) 1. ACCEPT the feeling - frustration and conflict happening AND AVOID............ a). UNHELFUL REACTION............. Attacking myself - 'This is terrible, I am hopeless at making tea'..Letting that destructive attacking voice take over. Attacking him - with blame and criticism regarding his behaviour b). SUPPRESSION THE FEELING Ignoring the frustration. Instead accept and Remember it has come as a reminder to be kind to me (let peace begin with me) 2. BREATH and tune into the kind, encouraging angel voice 3. Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what is missing - the encouragement and kindness! (I would give it to a friend, so why not give it to myself?) Again remembering Brene Brown wise words 'Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love'. So, I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, angel voice gave myself some kind, friendly encouragement. I said to myself 'you are doing a good job, you are lovely Maree'! This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do - do my best to make the tea and be kind and peaceful to both myself and kind and compassionate to him. I have no idea what is going on in his life. As Pema Chodron says 'Compassion for others begins with kindness to yourself'. I could have said to him 'please be kind.' (full stop) to remind myself and him of kindness. I can remember doing this with teenage kids in the midst of conflict. The trick is to say it and let go of the expectation for it to have an immediate change, and instead trust both you and others have heard it. Another customer came in a short time later. Would you believe his words of greeting to us were 'What a great job you are doing - you are all so lovely'! I was amazed to hear my kind, encouraging words to myself expressed word for word! Again I felt very grateful for everything including my wonderful teachers and the lesson to reduce inner conflict and judgement and give myself the kindness and peace that appeared to be missing! Then I can then let this peace flood the world, as Pema says. I was very grateful for this lesson to 'be kind to me' and then 'let this help me have compassion for others'. Here are some self talk slogans I find helpful to replace some of those unhelpful attack ones. Maybe you will find them helpful too.
When I can be kind, encouraging friend to myself and reduce that internal conflict I can be available to be kind and compassionate to others too! As Pema Chodron says 'Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world'. We will explore some more helpful slogans next blog. With love and my very best well wishes to you all Maree xx Last blog we explored increasing our awareness of unhelpful habits and working with curiosity, rather than judgement, to replace them with more helpful habits. I was interested to read that Megan Watterson considers curiosity to be a form of compassion. This is so true! Rather than be critical or judgmental of yourself and others you can instead bring a sense of curiosity to whats happening. When judgment of myself and others comes up I try to remember to let it go with curiosity and a helpful slogan like "Oh my funny mind - there it goes again'. This helps me prevent further judgement.
Last week I lost my wallet, complete with credit cards, cash, driver's licence and other things! I had the opportunity to be aware of my self-critical, destructive habit as I was tempted to go into panic mode! I was aware that the inner voice, the destructive one on my right shoulder start up 'How could you be so stupid and irresponsible, Someone was going to take off with all my money, steal my identity. Once again, I was on the way to working myself into a nervous wreck. As my friend Shadi reminds me - Curiosity rather than judgment is so useful. How are any of those judgmental, fearful thoughts of any use? No! And as Byron Katie says they are simply not true. So often we head to that fear of the future when there is simple no need. Everything is perfectly ok when we bring ourselves back into the present moment. Our fear and worry exist in times that don't. - the future that has not come yet and the past that has already gone. So some breaths back to the present and curiosity needed here. So I remembered to be curious and use the formula I have been finding useful. 1. ACCEPT the feeling - fear and stress are happening AND AVOID............ a). UNHELFUL REACTION............. This is terrible, I am in suck trouble, I am so stupid....Letting that destructive attacking voice take over. b). SUPPRESSION THE FEELING Ignoring the anxiety. Instead accept and Remember it has come as a reminder to .....A blog that might be useful is stress as a friend. 2. BREATH and tune into the kind, encouraging angel voice 3. Kindly ask ....What do I need? (to be of benefit) I need to give myself what is missing - the encouragement and kindness! (I would give it to a friend, so why not give it to myself?) Again remembering Brene Brown wise words 'Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love'. So, I tuned into and turned up that kind friendly, angel voice gave myself some kind, friendly encouragement. I said to myself 'that can happen - it doesn't mean that I am irresponsible, or stupid, worry is not going to help, As Lama Marut says worry is never any use. If you can do something about a concern, do it and don't worry. If you cant do anything about it, don't worry. This kind talk meant I could get on with what I needed to do - look for the wallet and suspend my credit cards. Would you believe my wallet turned up 2 evenings later. It had fallen off my lap onto the road next to the driver's side door. A kind passer by had placed it on the bonnet of the car near the windscreen. Amazingly the wallet travelled to and from Glen Waverley and then onto Carlton where one of Alice's friends found it while helping her unpack the car. I felt very grateful for everything including my wonderful teachers and the 'be kind to me' lesson. Here are some self talk slogans I find helpful to replace some of those unhelpful attack ones. Maybe you will find them helpful too. 1. When things go wrong..............(I have lost my wallet!) Turn up that kind, encouraging voice .......
And of course remember to be that kind, encouraging friend to others too! As Pema Chodron says 'Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world'. We will explore some more helpful slogans next blog. With love and my very best well wishes to you all Maree xx |
Categories |
RSS Feed