Forgiveness - What About Me!

We have talked about the importance of forgiving and apologising to others, but what about ourselves? Maybe you are like me and have misunderstanding around self-forgiveness and how to do it. I have had some confusion regarding who to forgive first, others or myself. But, the conclusion I have come to is to forgive myself and others as a regular and ongoing practice. 

A Things that may help us with forgiveness review 

• Allowing my feelings and working with them with compassion and wisdom. It is never helpful to deny or suppress our feelings or to overindulge them either. So, in the middle here, allow the feeling of hurt, abandonment or anger and choose to let it go through forgiveness.
• Understanding it is my own self-interest to forgive
• Understanding what is under the hurt no matter how big or small 
• Remembering, I don't want to disconnect, but instead I want to realise the truth of connection 
• Remembering we all make mistakes, its how we learn. 
• And of course, my all time favourite reminder from Malcolm X - "Don't be in such a hurry to condemn a person because he does not do what you do, or think as you think.  There was a time you didn't know what you know now." So we ourselves, our parents, partners, children or who ever it is, are all doing the best with what we know at the time
• Others have their reasons for doing what they have to, (including laking understanding). It is better for my mind if I can allow them the freedom to do so. And forgive them for any feelings of hurt, anger or abandonment I may feel.
• Happy, confident people are not interested in hurting others. As Tich Nhat Hanh says those that hurt are hurting themselves and their hurt is spilling over to hurt others.
• Hurting others is never helpful 

Understanding this helps us to have compassion for others and their mistakes and compassion for our mistakes and ourselves too. We are all doing our best with what we know at the time

• Forgiveness is how we heal

How do we Forgive Ourselves?
We have all made mistakes and done, said and thought things we regret. Why, just today I made it difficult for a waitress by changing my mind about 4 times. And I have done lots of bigger things to hurt others too. So what is helpful here? Certainly not to feel guilty and bash myself up with negative self talk. A practice I have outlined before is the Four Forces practice (outlined in the From Road Rage to Happy Motoring blog). The Four forces is particularly useful for clearing our conscience and letting go of unhelpful guilt. It can allow us to practice forgiveness too.Here is a review of the Four Forces practice ..............
The Four Forces,  
The Four Forces is a bit like 'mind gardening' or conscious clearing. Here is an example

1. Refuge:  Firstly, Admit it - Yes I did it - I got angry and criticised back. Remembering - Being like this and not considering others, is not making me happy and is not helping me be the positive happy force I want to be.                        
2. Regret:  Good healthy regret.  I am sorry I snapped back angrily.  
3. Restraint:  I will try to be aware of my criticism button being pushed and will allowing the feeling of frustration, breath and then do my best to react from a wise spot.  
4. Recompense:  This is a make-up activity to make amends for criticising back. Decided to apologise to them for my outburst. And forgiveness for myself and the person that criticised me - who knows what he had going on. We are all doing the best we can with what is available at the time. Apologising and forgiving both, can be wonderful make-up activities. 
5. Rejoice:  Feel really happy about doing this Four powers, especially about following through on the recompense and forgiving. 

So instead of letting this incident ruin my trip and my day, I happily moved on, having forgiven myself and the other person. So again we can practice all day forgiveness of ourselves and others with those small hurts during any day.

But, what about forgiving ourselves for unkindness toward ourselves and others? I am not sure about you, but I am often far harder on myself than others. I can be critical, judgemental, have unrealistic expectations and be unforgiving of mistakes I have made. That negative, critical and unforgiving soundtrack is never helpful and disturbs my happiness and peace of mind. A self-forgiveness practice I learned some years ago and have found extremely useful, is an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness, called Ho'oponopono. It has 4 easy steps. 

Ho'oponopono
Ho'oponopono has 4 easy steps, which are  

1. I'm sorry 
2. Please forgive me 
3. Thank you 
4. I love you 

So 4 easy steps, but some confusion on my part. Who am I apologising to, asking for forgiveness from and thanking? I don't think it really matters and is amazingly effective without the nutting out the 'who' questions, but if you are like me and like to have it organised you may find it useful to consider doing this practice in relation to someone you have hurt and a self-forgiveness practice. So here is my take on it, for what it is worth.

1.  Ho'oponopono for someone we have hurt
So we can remember someone we have hurt and put them in front of us in our mind and say, 'I am sorry'. The person we are apologising to, need not be in our lives still, or even be currently alive. It is all happening in our own minds. When we say these 4 things in our minds it is important to mean them and do our best to be sincere

1.  I am sorry - apologising or repenting  
We are repenting for what we have done with the understanding that apologising is important for our peace of mind. 

2.  Please forgive me - Asking for forgiveness 
We are asking the person in front of us, the person we hurt for forgiveness. 

3.  Thank you - giving appreciate or thanks
This thanks can be for the other persons forgiveness. Or for ourselves for doing this practice or both.

4.  I love you
Again this can be for yourself, your life, breath, the other person. There is nothing as powerful as love.

2.   Ho'oponopono. for ourselves 
As I said, sometimes we are extremely hard and unforgiving of ourselves. We are often unkind and critical with negative self-talk, instead of being that kind encouraging friend. We can speak to ourselves far harsher than we speak to others. I have found this self-forgiveness meditation very useful to forgive myself for such unkindness. 
When I do this as a self-forgiveness meditation or contemplation I have found it useful to put my higher, wise self in front of me and apologise to them.

That wise part of us all is beyond judgement, blame and criticism, and is unconditionally forgiving like an encouraging kind friend.  I have found it useful to make this an bit of a conversation between me and my higher self. This may sound a little wacky to you, and if it does, let it sit and move on. But, if you think it could be of use to you, as it has been to me, why not give it a go. So my conversation with my higher, wise self goes a bit like this. 
1.  I am sorry - apologising or repenting 
To my higher, wiser self for the mistakes, negative self talk, and hurt of myself. 

2.  Please forgive me - Asking for forgiveness 
We are asking our 'higher self' for forgiveness. And as we said this higher self is always forgiving and beyond judgement.

3.  Thank you - giving appreciate or thanks
This thanks can be for our higher self being there to guide us, support us, encourage and forgive us. It can also be thanks for ourselves - our body, our lives, what we do for others. 

4.  I love you
This can be for our higher, wise self, our life, breath, life-force. the universe, or love itself.  There is nothing as powerful as love.

Maybe you are encouraged to keep going with forgiving and give this practice a go. Remember to do your best, to do so, with kindness and compassion for all (including you).   
Maybe also you would like to continue to join me with the January, Buy Used and Repair. I am so excited my oven is fixed!!
Love Maree xx ​