Forgiveness, when it is really hard

Sometimes, forgiveness can be very hard. Do you ever find it hard to forgive when tragedy strikes, or when there is abuse or discrimination of others? I certainly do. I have been reminded of how difficult it can be to forgive recently with the tragedy in the Melbourne CBD, where innocent pedestrians were killed and injured by a reckless driver, out to harm. Other examples where I have found forgiveness is difficult have been recent media reports of cruelty to others and discrimination by people in positions of power.

It is difficult to cope with such situations and while it is tempting to hop on the blame, judgement, anger and fear bandwagon with protests, abuse, criticism, revenge and refusal to forgive, this is never helpful.

Compassion for the injured and killed pedestrians their families and friends comes naturally. However, when it comes to the perpetrator of such harm, compassion and forgiveness can be very difficult. I know compassion and forgiveness for all is the best thing for my peace of mind, and the peace of the world. As Marianne Williamson reminds us "The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world". But how do we forgive in such difficult situations? It may be helpful to review some of the reasons why it is in our own best interest and healing to ourselves and our world, to forgive. 


Review of things that may help us with forgiveness 

• Allowing my feelings and working with them with compassion and wisdom. It is never helpful to deny or suppress our feelings or to overindulge them either. So, in the middle here, allow the feeling of anger I feel toward those who hurt others and choose to let it go through forgiveness, rather than suppress it or express it harmfully myself.
• Understanding that forgiveness does not excuse the behaviour. It certainly is not OK at any level to drive recklessly though city streets harming and killing others, or to torture, suppress, discriminate against or harm others in any way. Understanding this helps me to understand that Forgiveness prevents the behaviour from destroying your heart
• Understanding it is my own self-interest to forgive, even when it is hard.
• Remembering, I don't want to disconnect, but instead I want to realise the truth of connection 
• Remembering we all make mistakes, big and small
• And again, my  favourite reminder from Malcolm X, not to judge and condemn others "Don't be in such a hurry to condemn a person because he does not do what you do, or think as you think.  There was a time you didn't know what you know now." So we ourselves, our parents, partners, children and even the driver of the car, are all doing the best with what we know at the time. I can't imagine what that driver must have been thinking, what his life has been like and what circumstances and mental health issues would have brought him to do this terrible act.   
• Happy, confident people are not interested in hurting others. As Tich Nhat Hanh says those that hurt are hurting themselves and their hurt is spilling over to hurt others. Certainly the drivers hurt is spilling over 
• Hurting others is never helpful and will have its logical consequence. What goes around comes around. It is best for our own peace of mind to leave it to the divine order of things and our justice system to sort things out. We don't need to ourselves, be the judge and jury here. That said, it is important we take the necessary steps to prevent harm where we can. Gandhi provides us with many wonderful examples of non-violent strong action to achieve peace. And in parenting too, many times we need to display strong love in order to prevent harm. 

Understanding this helps us to have compassion for others and their mistakes, even the big ones. We are all doing our best with what we know at the time. 

• Forgiveness is how we heal ourselves and our world 

So what is best for my own and the worlds  peace of mind and healing is to have compassion and to forgive all, including the driver. Which is hard because my habit is to judge, criticise, blame, be fearful and be non-forgiving, especially in situations like this. I can see my outraged ego standing there righteously, with its hands on its hips - refusing to forgive.  Again, Marianne Williamson reminds me "The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world". 

Some years ago I heard the most amazing forgiveness story, that continues to inspire me to forgive. The story relates to a father, whose son was murdered by someone he had accepted a lift from, while hitchhiking. The father was not only able to forgive the man who had murdered his son, but also went on to show the compassion and strength necessary, to be able to support and visit him in gaol for years.  

Maybe you are encouraged to keep going with forgiving even when it is hard. Again, remember to do your best, to do so, with kindness and compassion for all (including you).   
I will look forward to sharing with you all on my return from Sri Lanka in March. Wishing you all a peaceful, happy and fun February.
Love Maree xx ​