Forgivness and Letting Go

​Are you interested in further deepening your understanding of forgiveness and how to do it? Last week we explored some common misunderstandings around forgiveness. This week we will look at why it is important and in our own best interest to forgive.
 
For me, forgiveness is about letting go.  My new years resolution this year is to do my best to let go of trying to control things.
I am doing my best to, remember to.........

• Loosen my expectation of how I think things should and shouldn't be.

Instead of expecting things to be a certain way I am doing my best to give myself and others an expectation break, as we explored in the Give yourself an Expectation Break blog. Instead of 'expecting' I am being mindful to relax into how things are and respond from a wise spot – a work in progress, as I watch my funny mind attach to how I want things to be or not be!
I am trying to remember to say to myself - “Its like this now – what is my wisest response”? Remembering that my wisest response is never to blame others or myself or worry about what may or may not happen in the future. 
This helps me return to the present, and what is happening now, instead of worrying about how things should or shouldn't  be or what may or may not happen in the future. 

• Loosen my expectation of the outcome of my actions.

I’m doing my best to be aware of,when I attempt to try to control a situation, or others to achieve the outcome I desire. It never feels good to feel manipulated or controlled so I am trying to not do it to others. Trying to be mindful to do my best to deal with what comes up and then let go of any expectation for appreciation or even getting it right, 
This can be tricky, especially if you tend to be somewhat like me and a bit of an organised, control freak.  However, I am enjoying the' letting go'. I am finding it is much more relaxing, liberating and fun to let go and go with the flow and do my best to do what comes up to do without expectation of gain or control. Trying to remember to say  It’s like this now – what is my wisest response?
 
Now what about forgiveness right?  My ‘letting go of expectation’ has extended to this blogs' content and even when I get it out. When I sat down to write about forgiveness, I was going to explore why it is in our best interest to forgive and have gone on a ‘letting go’ ramble. But, as I said forgiveness is all about letting go.  I am going to do my best to present what has been helpful to me and let go of expectation of outcome.
 
From last weeks blog you may have cleared up some misunderstanding about forgiveness and be ready now to explore why it is in our own best interest to forgive.
 
Why it is important to forgive
Forgiveness is not about others – it is in our own self-interest to forgive.
When we are angry with others about what they did and didn’t do to hurt us, and are unable to forgive them, we live with anger, bitterness and unhappiness in our minds and hearts.  This disturbs our peace of mind.  We mistakenly believe it is easier to live with holding a grudge than to forgive.  However it is only through forgiveness we can gain freedom and peace of mind.  
 
Realizing forgiving is in our own self- interest is crucial
We are all self-interested, so it is crucial to realize that forgiveness is in our own enlightened self-interest. 
Our enlightened self interest is about realizing we all have an innate desire and right to live a happy life and we cant do this if we are holding onto grudges and resentments at the same time. 
 
Some things that help me remember this is the truth are....

• Remembering those little annoyances can ruin our day.

If someone does something to annoy me, like get impatient with me in the slow swimming lane, I can hold onto the annoyance for a long time. This ruins my peace of mind.  Being aware to allow the feeling of annoyance (because it is important not to pretend we are not annoyed when we are) but then, choosing to let it go and forgive gives peace. Instead of holding onto the hurt and resentment, this letting go and forgiving is a powerful way to overcome the tendency for small events like this to spoil our day. 

• Remembering that holding onto such anger & resentment impairs our health.

Anger and resentment is detrimental to our physical and mental health.  We can have blood pressure, heart, anxiety and stress problems related to not forgiving. This 3 step process is a much healthier response, than holding onto resentment.

1. Allow the feeling - Breathe
2. Connect with wisdom and let it go
3. Forgive   
4. Remembering it's never good to live or to die with grudges on our conscience (especially the big ones).

No one knows when anyone is going to die and what happens when we die.  However we do know that it cannot be good to die with hatred and anger in our minds and hearts. It is important that we let it go and make our peace.
It is in our close relationships, with those we love and who love us, that the hurt is deeper and it can be harder to forgive.
It is important to do our best to mend broken relationships through forgiveness.   We can start to mend those relationships is now, and remove the hurt from our conscience. We will talk more about this in coming blogs.
 
It may seem a bit overwhelming to start with the big hurts first, but we can begin to exercise our forgiveness muscles on the small ones. For me these tend to be about those I am not so close to - the person who cut me off in traffic, the shopkeeper who is rude, or the impatient swimmer in the slow lane. It is easier to forgive those we are not so close to or don't care so much about. .
A little practice I like is to try to remember to do is ‘all day forgiveness’. This really helps prevent those little annoyances building up to ruin my peace of mind and day
 
All Day Forgiveness
When that person in the slow lane says “I need to go first, because I am faster than you” I try to remember to.........

1. ALLOW - Feel the 'ouch' – hurt my swimming pride
2. BREATHE and CONNECTt with wisdom (holding onto this will ruin my peace of mind and day) and
3. DO - let it go - “I forgive you” – I say this In my mind only. If I were to say it aloud I might have more forgiveness to do, due to the other persons' reaction to my "I forgive you". Maybe, maybe not but it feels right for me, to think it and not necessarily say it.

There are lots of reasons it is in our self- interest to forgive and we need to bring that strength of logic to help us remember to do so.  So have fun starting with the little ones this week. I may need to continue to practice forgiveness in the slow lane at the pool, or who knows where else.