From, Footy Fury to Footy Fun - September, Resentment to Joy

​Ever feel resentful, jealousy and unhappiness about someone else's happiness?  I am sorry to say, I felt this way for many years, about my husbands love of footy.  While I am tempted, even now to feel guilty about my behaviour, I know that guilt serves not useful purpose.  Guilt is just another way to worry about myself as I explored in the Difference between Guilt and Regret  post.  So lets explore a more helpful way to deal with regret about past footy resentment.   

I am thankful to remember and apply amore useful practice.  Many years ago in my study of Buddhism I was introduced to a wonderful practice, called the Four Powers or Four Forces.  The Four Powers is a conscious cleaning exercise and a wonderful way to deal with regrets like past resentment or any things we have done, we are not happy about having done.  

Going over and over feeling bad about past misdeeds, like my footy resentment, jealousy and unhappiness, makes me unhappy and ruins my peace of mind. Feeling guilty is all about me, and how bad I feel and does not give me the opportunity to do anything about it!  Regret, on the other hand is a helpful acknowledgment of a misdeed and implies wanting to do something about making amends.   

So instead of feeling guilt over my past resentment over the footy, applying the Four Forces would be a much more helpful thing to do.  The Four Forces, is like  removing an unhappy mind weed of resentment,  and planting  a new happy mind flower seed in its place.  The Four Forces can be easily remembered with words that begin with R.  (And there is an important 5th Force - Rejoicing).  So here they are applied to my past footy resentment.  Of course all this is happening in my own head.  It may not be helpful to tell my husband what I am up to 

1. Refuge:  Tricky word, so lets think about it in terms of what I take comfort in to make me feel better about my past footy resentment.Two things are useful here.  Firstly, Admit it - Yes I did it - I was resentful, jealous and did some unhelpful things.  And Remembering - Being like this is not making me happy and is not helping me be the positive happy force I want to be.                        
2. Regret:  Good healthy regret.  I am sorry I behaved with resentful and unhappiness about my husband's footy happiness.  I was doing my best at the time with what I knew - I had no idea I was creating unhappiness or that I had an alternative.  
3. Restraint:  I will try to be aware of this resentment and restrain myself from making unkind remarks as he is preparing to go to the footy.  It is good to start off with a realistic restraint time.  (i.e. in my case, while he is preparing to go to the footy) - instead of something a little more unrealistic like 'I am never saying anything negative about the footy!'
4. Recompense:  So this is a make-up activity to make amends for past resentment.  So, my make up activity could be to say a cheerful footy goodbye and well-wish, knit him a Hawthorn beanie, make his lunch to have at the footy, or help him get finals tickets.  
5. Rejoice:  Feel really happy about doing this Four powers, especially about following through on the recompense.

As I mentioned, this Four Powers exercise is a little like 'mind gardening'. It is all happening in our own minds, we are our own judge and jury and only need to satisfy ourselves when we have made amends.

I now know it is never helpful to feel unhappy about someone else's happiness (or to feel guilty about the times I have - Four Powers Yay).  I know when things are going right for me and someone else is unable to be happy for me it feels yucky - so I will do my best to be happy for others when things are going right for them.  Go Hawks!!
As we discussed last week in order to change past unhelpful habits it is helpful to have...... 

1. Awareness: This is the first important step.  We need to be aware of those thought habits and understanding we can change them. It is not helpful for me to be unhappy about someone else happiness - just makes me and others unhappy 
2. Asking ourselves - Are those thoughts  true? Does he care more about the footy than me? Is footy his number one priority? Is me being unhappy about his happiness useful? NO
3. Is this thought helpful to me? Is this thought helping me be happier and more available to others?  If the thought is not kind, encouraging and making us available to connect to others chances are it is not helpful to reinforce and relive over and over. So enough footy unhappiness and resentment and instead a rewrite - "Go Hawks - have a great game"

So what did I set out to  do to change things around all those years ago?  I decided I would be happy for him and wish him well at the footy. I would pile on to his happiness. And now I love it when he heads off to see his Hawks, fortunately they are doing well so he usually comes back happy to a happier me. I have even got to the point of being able to wash those brown and gold coloured,, Hawks socks and boxers with joy.

I am so grateful to those wonderful teachers and friends who have helped me get over negative, unhelpful habits and be a more positive, happy force in the world and to do my best to be of benefit.