Letting Go of Expectation

Have you ever put a lot of effort into something and it hasn't worked out how you had expected or hoped and you are left feeling disappointed or let down?  I have several reminders of this recently.  Reminders like

• Working at establishing a relationship and expecting the other person to contact me and they didn't, 
• Being inclusive and seeing others receive invitations to events and not me 
• Putting a lot of work into preparing for a group and have it not go so well
• Asking for help and have it be unavailable 
• Studying hard for an assessment to have it not go so well
• Asking others to clean up around the house and have it not happen

Some very helpful advice I received many years ago related to expectation is,

• We can trace all pain back to an attachment or expectation that something be other than that is actually is.  So I feel pain and disappointment that the person hasn't rung when they said they would, haven't received the help, the group or assessment hasn't gone so well. As we explored last week, it is important to allow the feeling of disappointment rather than pretend it is not there.  However once we have allowed it it is helpful to remember not to indulge it with negative self talk.  It is never helpful to beat myself up with "If I had done things differently, been more interesting; done more work; been more fun; been smarter; been a better mother then they would have rung, invited me, helped me, enjoyed the group, or done well in the exam. Is this negative self talk true or helpful? No to both. These things are not true I am doing me best.
• It is also not helpful to blame others and try to manipulate or control them or the situation.  
• We can't control how things work out - we can do our best to prepare as best we can, be friendly, or inclusive but after that it is not in our control.  We can't control others either.  Again all we can do is do our best and let go of expectation of the result. This is often tricky to do as we are attached to things being a certain way. However the result is not in our control and having expectation often leads to disappointment. Who knows what is going on when someone doesn't ring, the exam is difficult, people don't turn up for the group. Maybe they are sick, forgot, preoccupied or stressed  It is never helpful to assume and judge.  It is much better for our own minds to assume they have a good intention and to remember they are doing the best they can with what they know.  
• What is in our control however is how we respond to what happens.  As I said unhelpful responses are to blame or criticise others or ourselves.  
• While it is important to accept the situation - 'It's like this now' .  Acceptance does not mean complacency -so given 'it is like this now' what is my best response 

So what are some helpful ways to respond to disappointment?

A.  Allow the feeling.  My friend disappointment is here to teach me a few things.  
       
B.   Breathe 
      Don't believe those untrue thoughts associated with this feeling 

C.  Connect with kindness to yourself and others

D.  Do. Helpful things to do may include

• Do your best to be kind, friendly, prepare and help where you can without expectation, Remember you did your best and others are too
• Learn from any mistakes kindly and do a better best next time
• Find someone else to help in a similar situation.  Help someone who needs help, ring someone who is lonely, help someone study for a test, or include someone who feels left out
• Say what you need to say - like 'Please tidy your room' and then let go of the expectation, especially for it to  happen straight away
• Forgive yourself and others too and then let go 

It is amazing often when we can let go of the expectation of having things be the way we want they often turn out how we want anyway.   I found once I let go of trying to get others to help me with my website I worked it out myself and found someone else to help too.  When I let go of feeling left out and dissapointed, I was able to be happy for others and visited my mum.  The next day I  received an invitation for dinner.  A quote I like to remember is when you forgive you heal.  And when you let go you grow.   
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