Mending Deep Hurts Through Forgiveness

I am not sure about you, but for me, deepening my understanding of forgiveness and putting it into practice has had many benefits to my happiness and peace of mind. In the past weeks we have explored some common misunderstandings around forgiveness and looked at why it is important, and in our own best interest to forgive. We have also exercised our forgiveness muscles with 'All Day Forgiveness’ with the small hurts and annoyances, and looked at apologising to others.  This blog will look more deeply into what may be under our hurt, particularly with those we are closest too. Next week we will look a forgiveness of ourselves.
When I am brave enough, I have found it so helpful to look under my anger and hurt to understand what is underneath both the small things like being tooted at and the big hurts too, 

Deep Relationship Understandings
With regard to those deep, close relationship hurts, some understandings that have helped me are.........

• I get hurt because these relationships are important to me and it matters to me what those I am closest to think, do and say.
• Holding onto those big hurts and grudges takes a huge amount of my emotional and physical energy and disturbs my peace of mind and happiness
• Repairing these relationships through forgiveness is possible, necessary and may take some time and work, but will aways be beneficial.

Forgiveness is an ongoing process,that is extremely helpful to do, both with the small everyday grudges, to prevent build up of resentment and also, with those big longer term hurts that have built up over time. Hurts, that maybe concern those who have deeply hurt us, betrayed us or let us down. Maybe you have someone who comes to mind, who it may be helpful to forgive.

For me, my parents were a great place to start. I can have many unhelpful storylines, related to my parents list of shortcomings and ways that I have been hurt and let down, from years ago. This blame and criticism causes hurt and resentments to build up, making me unhappy and disturbing my peace of mind. It also doesn't allow me to appreciate how amazing they are and what an incredible job they did to give me many wonderful opportunities, beginning with my amazing life! How easy it is to concentrate on the negatives, with blame, criticism, hurt and resentment and erode any relationship. So what is best to do here? Acknowledge the hurt and choose to forgive.   

I was interested to see a u-tube video by Simon Sinek on 'Millennials in the Workplace'. The video provided many amazing insights and helpful tips. However, it reminded me how unhelpful it can be to blame and criticise our parents. In this instance the shoe was on the other foot, and I didn't like it!  So,it serves  to me as, a beautiful reminder, that it is never helpful to blame, criticise and refuse to forgive as offspring, parents or friends (and in any relationship). 

As we said last week there is something deeper under the storylines related to feelings of hurt, anger, abandonment, or let down, from the toot in traffic to the bigger ones. Under my 'toot' anger was - you don't respect me!. I find it helpful to understand that under every bit of anger, hurt abandonment is my outraged ego, standing with its hands on it hips saying something like .......

• You don't respect me
• You don't love me enough 
• You don't appreciate me 
• You don't hear or see me 

And when I believe that is true - I disconnect.  But is it true? No. When I feel this lack of respect, appreciation, love or being listened to, supported or approved of my habitual reaction can be to disconnect from that person. This of course is never helpful and creates more separation and hurt. When I disconnect I ...................

• Deny my feelings. I put the walls up to shut the feelings to shut out the other person too.
• I blame and criticise them with all the 'nevers' and 'shoulds', with things like, "you never help me", "you never thank me", "you should pay me more respect,listen to me or do what I say".
• I build up my case of hurt/resentment against them with storylines of blame and criticism

What is more helpful, is to understand this, and to also understand that

• All of the separation I feel would be healed if I did not disconnect and instead remain connected
• and forgive.

We can also do the same, unhelpful 'disconnection thing', to ourselves. We can be that hard, critical unforgiving task master instead of a kind encouraging friend to ourselves too. Practicing with the ‘All day Forgiveness’ helps remind me not to disconnect, with others or myself, to be kind and to apologise and forgive.      
 
Forgiveness opens the heart, to find connection again. It is a way of releasing the hurt and bringing love, happiness and connection back into life. 

Things that may help us with forgiveness

• Allowing my feelings and working with them with compassion and wisdom
• Understanding it is my own self-interest to forgive
• Understanding what is under the hurt no matter how big or small 
• Remembering, I don't want to disconnect, but instead I want to realise the truth of connection 
• Remembering we all make mistakes, its how we learn. 
• And of course, my all time favourite reminder from Malcolm X - "Don't be in such a hurry to condemn a person because he does not do what you do, or think as you think.  There was a time you didn't know what you know now." So we ourselves, our parents, partners, children or who ever it is, are all doing the best with what we know at the time
• Others have their reasons for doing what they have to, (including laking understanding). It is better for my mind if I can allow them the freedom to do so. And forgive them for any feelings of hurt, anger or abandonment I may feel.
• Happy, confident people are not interested in hurting others. As Tich Nhat Hanh says those that hurt are hurting themselves and their hurt is spilling over to hurt others.
• Hurting others is never helpful 

Understanding this helps us to have compassion for others and their mistakes and compassion for our mistakes and ourselves too. We are all doing our best with what we know at the time

• Forgiveness is how we heal

How do we Forgive?
Armed with this useful advice, we have the understanding and wisdom to be ready to forgive. So here is how to do it ............

1. Sit and close the eyes and bring to mind the person who hurt you (you may want to picture them in front of you) 
2. Allow the feeling. Feel the hurt, abandonment or anger
3. Breath mindfully 
4. Say to that person in your mind 'I forgive you unconditionally' repeat this over a few times, or as long as you feel necessary
5. Repeat this process daily, for as many times as you feel the need. Do it for as long as you feel necessary. 

I have done this contemplation many times, with the big hurts. It is a process, and often when I think I am done, I require to repeat it. I am happy to say that this Christmas when I got together with family, I had a much more helpful kind soundtrack going on my my head. Through forgiveness, I had let go of much of the blame, criticism and hurt and instead was more able to be compassionate, kind and appreciative to all (including me)

Maybe you are fired up to keep going with forgiving the small everyday things and also to be mindful of appropriate apologising and are now ready to give forgiveness a go, with the deeper hurts. Remember to do your best, to do so, with kindness and compassion for all (including you).   
Maybe also you would like to continue to join me with the January, Buy Used and Repair. I am repairing a set of drawers and using used bottles to bottle lemon cordial and tomato sauce. 
Love Maree xx ​