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Gratitude is a Super Power!

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I am grateful to be looking at gratitude yet again this blog!
Gratitude is an awesome superpower. I read recently that one of the most powerful statements you can make, feel or think is ‘thank you’. Thank you to others and yourself too.
 
It is so helpful to remember to be thankful to all those people in our lives who have been motherly, kind and caring toward us, including of course our own maternal mothers, to whom we owe so much, including our lives. Remembering to be thankful to friends, family and strangers too for the kindness they show us in all sorts of ways is powerful to promote our happiness and peace of mind. We'll talk more about gratitude for mothering kindness next blog, as it will be Mother's Day weekend. I'll be on board travelling from Canberra to Sydney!
 
It is also great to be thankful to others who give us the opportunity to be kind to them. This includes, friends, family, pets, strangers and of course our children or anyone we care for.

It's great to remember to tune into our wise selves to be kind and thankful to ourselves too. Seeing ourselves be a positive force in the world, being kind and grateful creates a happy perception. We can reinforce this goodness by being thankful to ourselves. We can be grateful to ourselves for doing our best to be a kind, positive force in the world. Remembering also to forgive ourselves and others for all those so called ‘mistakes’, more helpfully known as learning opportunities. 
 
The opportunities to extend kindness do not always come in the ways we expect and sometimes these kind acts are received without thanks. I find it helpful to thank myself, especially during those times like when I have spent a lot of time and effort doing something like making a family meal which is received with 'I don't like this!' Resting in my intention to have prepared a healthy meal and thanking myself helps to prevent resentment. A space I  have known very well. 

Sometimes extending kindness, especially as parents, can be in the form of a strong boundary like ‘please, don’t speak to me like that’, or ‘no, you can’t do that’. Such Kindness always has the intention to protect others from harm.

I can remember the need for such a strong kind boundary many years ago when I needed to enforce the ‘no sleeping with phone rule’ with my then thirteen-year-old. As I was saying goodnight to them, I discovered the phone under their bedclothes. I removed the phone and there was much subsequent protesting.  I needed to check in with my wise self to remember that my intention was to prevent harm and for them to get a good night’s sleep. I was then able to thank myself for being courageously kind, as the protests continued.  
 
More about gratitude and its awesome benefits next blog.
With love, appreciation and very best well wishes to us all 


​

My 'Mother Resentment or Appreciation' Experiment Results!

9/25/2017

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Do you have some built up anger or resentment toward you parents, or those you are close to? As I said last week, I do and so I decided to put Pema's experiment into practice, to work on replacing resentment with appreciation, with regard to my mother. 

A little recap on the experiment 

1. Experiment for  a while with resenting my mother or father (or anyone for that matter) and see how that feels! 
Remembering though, to...
  • Acknowledge the feelings of resentment, hurt or anger 
  • Breathe and remember I have a choice in how I respond. A choice between continuing the resentment, blame and criticism soundtrack or  creating a new one. So option 2...
2.  Remember any kindness they showed me as a child and try appreciating them for a week or two. 
It only took the week of keeping a gratitude journal recalling all the amazing things my mum and dad did for me, to allow me to decide which attitude to cultivate. No surprises!!

3.  Make your own decision about which attitude to cultivate for the rest of your life!
APPRECIATION not RESENTMENT
So, how do I cultivate such an attitude? I need to be on the lookout for those feelings of resentment and my habit to feed them and instead cultivate an attitude of compassion, forgiveness and appreciation toward myself and others.  
Remembering each time the resentment, anger or hurt comes up to acknowledge it with compassion, breathe and remember I have a choice in how I respond. 

So having conducted the first part of the experiment, I made the conclusive decision to try to remember to choose appreciation rather than resentment. Then came the work of putting it into practice.

I find it so interesting to watch my mind and its' habit of building up resentment. When resentment of a person or a situation comes up, if I forget I have a choice in how I respond I can so easily hop on the 'resentment train' to an unhappy place. When I forget that I have this choice and board that thought train I strengthen the habit of resentment. 

Resentment is a form of anger I am well practiced in so I am on the lookout for it and how to skilfully work with it to change the habit. Even now I can be tempted to resent myself for being resentful, further strengthening that unhelpful soundtrack in my head. I am reminded of an anonymous quote. Anonymous because I cant recall where I read it, so thanks and apologies to the author. 'Do not judge or condemn yourself or others, instead forgive all for being human and needing to learn lessons'.

Dropping the judgment frees me from shame and guilt. So time to let go of judgment and appreciate the ways I am doing my best to cultivate appreciation rather than resentment.
So, what do I do? I acknowledge the feeling of resentment come up and decide to put a spanner in the resentment soundtrack and practice appreciation instead. And to remember compassion for myself and others and to apply the healing balm of forgiveness to all including myself.

My Weekend Experiment 
Recently, my mother joined us at our home for the weekend. She is not enjoying getting older, her mobility restrictions and health issues and understandably often finds it difficult to be in a positive state of mind. So this weekend provided an opportunity to work compassionately with my resentment around my experience of her as negative and critical.   
Here are my experiment results ...

So I am experiencing my mum do that negative, critical thing and resentment comes up. '
1.  Feel the resentment come up 
As I have said many times it is so easy to attempt to get rid of this uncomfy feeling by expressing our resentment with complaints, blame and criticism or 'helpful advice', either out aloud or internally. Or equally unhelpfully trying to suppress or bypass this feeling. So, a more helpful response is to acknowledge the feeling and BREATHE  - the intense uncomfy feeling will pass and then we will be free to respond from a wise spot.

My wacky mind - so easy to hop on that resentment train to that unhappy place. How can I turn this possible resentment fest into a appreciation instead?

2.   I will BREATHE and remember I have a choice between ...
  1. STOPPING THE RESENTMENT - Don't let the resentment soundtrack go on. I will spare you the dialogue, but I am sure you have an idea of how it goes. It usually starts with a 'How come she is always, so negative and critical about things, especially me!' It is full of judgment, condemnation, and lots of qualifiers like 'always' and 'never', which are like flags to things being untrue. Wait, I have a choice! Instead, I can stop that untrue soundtrack of judgment and condemnation and forgive us both for being human and needing to learn lessons. Changing this resentment habit allows for compassion forgiveness, and appreciation 
  2. APPRECIATION  - Choosing to respond with appreciation rather than go with the resentment habit. The appreciation soundtrack is much nicer to listen to ..
  • Appreciation of my mother for my amazing life and all the care, teaching and opportunities 
  • Appreciating also the opportunities she gives me to develop virtues such as patience, forgiveness and compassion for myself and her too.
  • Words of wisdom help too
'We often add to our pain and suffering by being overly sensitive, over-reacting to minor things and sometimes taking things too personally' - Dalai Lama

And how did things turn out? I remembered to acknowledge my frustration and resentment, breathed and decided to drop the untrue judgment and condemnation to allow for compassion, forgiveness and appreciation of her past kindness to me as a child and adult too. I decided to repay that kindness by taking her shopping, to Telstra and out for lunch and things improved considerably. 

As I said last week we can practice this appreciation or resentment experiment with anyone and everyone, including those who are no longer with us, and those we find frustrating (Our teachers of Patience). As Pema says "If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy can be our teacher'. Maybe you would like to give this experiment a go too.   
Have a great week. Thank you all  
Kind Regards and Best Wishes 
Maree xx ​
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