No Pointing Fingers or High Flying Birds Allowed!

​Ever feel low in confidence or sad? I have been reminded lately of unhelpful habits that erode my sense of self-esteem and make me feel down. Destructive habits like...... 

1. Comparing myself to others - as better or worse! Both pride and self depreciation are toxic to our self esteem. 
2. Criticising others and criticising myself 
3.  Worrying about myself 
4. Having high unrealistic expectations of myself and others 

Ironically when I feel low in confidence I often do the most unhelpful things to try to make myself feel better. I compare myself to others and do that crazy accounting game related to measuring myself as better or worse. Either way this makes me feel worse and is toxic to my sense of self esteem. The other unhelpful thing I do is to feel sorry for myself and worry about myself. So what do I do instead?

I remind myself that ....

• I have no need to compare myself to others as better or worse. As Jordan Petersen says "Compare yourself to who you were yesterday not to who someone else is today". However, I would like to remind you to do this in a positive encouraging way not in a self depreciative way!!
• We all have different skills and attributes but that does not make us any better or worse than others
• I can  celebrate the good fortune of others instead of being jealous and feel infererior
• I can have compassion for others who are having difficulties instead of using it as a way to feel superior
• Criticism or judgement of myself or others is never useful. Being mindful of that critical voice and telling it 'I am doing my best' and 'others are too". As Jordan Petersen says "set your house in perfect order before you criticise the world". But again, having fun doing it in a kind encouraging way.
• High unrealistic expectations of myself or others is destructive to my peace of mind and confidence. Instead I can set realistic expectations and be kind and encouraging to all, including me!
• Feeling grateful automatically helps with my mood and self esteem
• Think of ways I can be better for others. Ways I can be nicer for others to be around and nicer for me to be around too. I have started making a list and I plan to add to it and share it in next fortnights blog. Maybe you would like to make your own personal 'ways to be better for others' list. I would love you to share it so I can add it to mine.

'My better for others list'

• Look after my personal hygiene and appearance so that I am  nicer to be around
• Get organised so I can make it easier at home here
• Continue to volunteer and catch up with Tony
• Keep my fitness up as I get older so I feel better and can be more of a helper

And remember to celebrate all these 'better for others' actions. All the ways you are a positive force in the world!

My daughter Alice, recently did an assignment in her architecture course which interestingly reminds me to be mindful of criticism of others, self criticism and setting unrealistic expectations.

As I remember it, she had lecturer in this design subject who had an interest in yoga. The assignment involved designing a space which facilitated feelings of peace and connection. Her lecturer related the assignment to yoga by setting up the room with different areas related to the chakras or energy centres. Each area represented a different energy centre with its corresponding symbol and colour.  The students were asked to go and stand where they were attracted to. Most of the students were somewhat perplexed by the lecturers approach, although Alice recalled some exposure to such things by her somewhat wacky mother. Alice was drawn to the heart chakra, with the energy of love, connection and the truth of interdependence. She rang me asking for some help. Wow I never thought my yoga knowledge would come in useful in a design subject!

The first part of the assignment involved making a collage to represent some of the obstacles to experiencing the energy at the heart chakra, the energy of love and connection. Her collage is shown above.

When I discussed the collage with Alice, she explained to me the pointing fingers represented self criticism, and criticism from and to others. She said this criticism caused feelings of disconnection, unloved, alone and separation. So true and such a clear visual representation and reminder. 

I thought I was being clever when I chipped in with 'and those birds must represent freedom!' 'Oh no' she said 'those birds are high expectation birds, they need to be flying lower'. 

So Alice and I often share a joke about watching out for pointing critical fingers and bringing those high expectation birds to fly a little lower. We also remind each other that we don't need to compare ourselves as better or worse than anyone else. Thank you Alice for such great reminders. And Happy 21st Birthday! What a wonderful first day of Spring gift you are. 

Have a great fortnight! Gratitude, Kind Regards and Best Wishes, 
Maree xx ​ 

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