Overcommitment, Why?

Do you ever overcommit or have unrealistic expectations of yourself and others?   Or do you tend to avoid committing to anything?  I do both, although I think I tend more on the overcommitment .  Last week's blog 'Making Realistic Commitments and Keeping Them'. explored the importance of making realistic commitments and once made doing our best to keep them.  I have found it useful to understand what is underneath my tendency to overcommit and to have unrealistic expectations of myself and others and also why I find it difficult to commit at other times.  Over the next few blogs I will explore this further.  

As I said last week my tendency is to overcommit and take on way too much instead of doing a stock take first and setting more realistic expectations of myself and others too.  I have found it useful, although tricky, to ask myself why I overcommit and many times end up feeling busy, exasperated and at times resentful.  If I am honest with myself I think I have a few unhelpful, previously unconscious, reasons why I do this.   Shining the light on these unhelpful beliefs allows me to work kindly with myself and others in developing more helpful ways to think and be.  
One of these unhelpful beliefs I have found it useful to shine the light on is.........
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The 'Cult of Busyness'.  Is busyness something of importance and value?
I have recently started to question the somewhat wacky belief that I have had, (and that our culture seems to support), that being busy somehow makes us important and valued.  As if being busy was somehow a badge of honour. I started noticing how others also seem effected.  I was surprised by how many times I and others responded to "How are you?" with "Busy" as if it was something to be proud of.  Was it such a good thing to be?  Well no, I think being caught up with how important and busy I was making me stressed and unavailable for others.

Busyness as a state of mind  
It is interesting to notice some people can be in a busy flap with seemingly little to do; while others can have lots on and have a calm relaxed manner.  The difference is what is going on in their heads.  How could I remain active and do what needed to be done without that feeling of stress, overwhelm and busyness?  
Some things I have found useful to remember are    

• Be aware of the busyness trap or cult that seems to be supported in our society and make some internal and external changes.  Is being busy such a good thing?  When I take my 'busy important self' out of the equation I am more available to quietly and mindfully do what needs to be done from that unstressed, available more joyful spot.  When I am worried about myself and how busy and important I am I feel stressed and am not so available for others. When I can come into the present I can do what I need to do without the worry and feeling busy.
• Make realistic commitments by doing that stock take of resources.  Again taking that busy stressed me out of the picture and doing my best to do what I have committed to do  without needing to be 'important or busy' and without expectation is helpful in reducing my stress and also making me more available to others.  
• Being aware of that crazy idea of have that I need to work like mad in order to then be able to relax.  This is like running a race at full pelt in order finish exhausted and in need of a  break to recover.  Instead we can run at an even pace and finish feeling refreshed with something in reserve. We need to factor in looking after ourselves and taking rests in order to maintain our efforts.  We can change our minds to set realistic expectations and do our best to achieve these without feeling exhausted, depleted and resentfulful.  
• When I have unrealistic expectations of myself, I usually unconsciously transfer these to others as well.  This causes me to be judgmental of myself and others which is never helpful.  We are all doing our best, with what we have available at the time.  
•  Maybe the next time someone asks you, "How are you?" you may want to avoid saying 'busy'. A friend of mine with young children and a very active, full life in response to "how was you day or weekend?" responds with "full and fun" instead of 'busy'. 

You can look forward to a much improved and less confusing website to be launched on April 1st. I have done my stock take and I do certainly plan to keep this commitment.  
You might want to

• Look at the pom-melbourne website  (please excuse the renovation phase)
• Contact me regarding the  'Worry to Wonder' 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you.  This 4 week course can be done individually or together with your child or someone else too.  It can be done face to face or through Skype or Face Time    

            Email Maree at maree@pom-melbourne.com

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