Boundaries and Self Compassion 1.

Recently, I had the opportunity to do a presentation at an online 'Spiritual Retreat'. I have attended this retreat in the US many times over the years. I am so happy it has been able to continue online during this time.

My presentation was on Self-Compassion. I attempted to give my lived experience of the teachings I have been so fortunate to have received from my teachers, most especially, Lama Marut, Cindy Lee and Shadi Mogadine. Without them I would have nothing to put into practice or to share, I am so grateful.

I thought I would share a few things from my presentation over the next few blogs. These are things  that I found useful to learn, remember, and to share. I feel so fortunate to have access to both internal and external resources to help me through this turbulent time, my presentation and my blogs. 

Often I get a wobble up before I press 'send' on a blog. There once would have been a time when I would have said 'I need to get me (Maree) out of the way before I do it! These days I would prefer to to say I 'I am working in a partnership, I am checking in and following directions from my wise self!  

Just the other day i opened a favourite little book of mine by Kim McMillan entitled 'When I Loved Myself Enough'. The page read.....
When i loved myself enough....
I started writing about my life and views
because I knew this was my right and responsibility.
So, these blog posts are my opportunity to share my life and views. Thank you for listening. 
I wanted to share a couple of amazing insights from Brene Brown on compassion and boundaries in this and my next blog.

Brene says that the most compassionate people she has surveyed have one thing in common - they set appropriate boundaries to prevent harm.

She says it is impossible to extend an assumption of generosity - to assume others are doing their best or to have compassion for them when someone is being......

• unkind
• disrespectful 
• hurting you 
• not hearing you 
• not seeing you 
• taking advantage of you

We need to put an appropriate boundary in place to prevent harm. 
Appropriate boundaries can include 

• removing yourself 
• saying 'Please don't speak to me like that. (full stop). and exiting. This is a boundary I often used with my teenage kids.
• saying 'those words are hurtful, untrue, unnecessary  or unkind" may also be helpful. 

I had the opportunity to do this with my Mum too. As you may know my mother passed away recently. She had experienced many traumas in her life and unfortunately did not have many tools to help her deal with sadness and loss. I am extremely grateful for my mother for so many things, however if I am honest, I often experienced my mum as sad and angry, in the past few years.

I realise now Mum gave me a wonderful opportunity to apply what I have learned to help me develop self-compassion, compassion and love for myself, her and others. Brene Brown says boundaries are necessary to prevent harm. Boundaries help with self-compassion which then allows for compassion for others.

Many times, I felt like saying to my Mother 'I'm not coming back if you continue to treat me like that'. (For me this felt like an appropriate boundary). However, I needed to be skilful with respect to applying this boundary. I knew that this response would inflame her further and she would cut off contact with me.  

So instead I recalled and used ......

• a strategy called 'bump of a log', my now favourite self-compassion strategy.  These days for me, this strategy is about checking into my wise self for what I need. Usually what comes up for me when I check in is some kind encouragement and a reminder to not take things personally. I will explain more about this self-compassion strategy next blog. 
• remembering to be compassionate to myself first helps me to have compassion for others. I can then understand they are doing their best. I can then hear and access wisdom - like the following wise words .........
• recalling Thich Nhat Hanh's wise words 'when another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over . He does not need punishment, he needs help'. (which I believe includes boundaries to prevent harm)
• remembering this favourite quote of mine from Malcom X - 'Don't be in such a hurry to condemn a person because he doesn't do what you do, or think as you think. There was a time when you didn't know what you know today.' This quote helps to remind me that others often do not have the tools to deal with life - they need our compassion not our judgement. Again this involves boundaries to promote self-compassion, which allows for compassion for them.
• recalling Lama Marut's wise words 'happy people are not in the business of making others unhappy'. So, unhappy people deserve our compassion.
• I also said "I hear you Mum, that must be difficult. (full stop) lots.
• also suggesting getting some help. It may be useful to have someone to talk to about difficulties. 

With love, appreciation and very best well wishes to us all 
Maree xx