The Difference Between Guilt and Regret

​The Difference Between Guilt and Regret



The Difference Between Guilt and Regret

Do you know the difference between unhelpful guilt and helpful regret?  I didn't, and somehow I thought it was nobel to feel guilty and bash myself up with criticism and guilt over unkind things I wished I had not done. Last weeks blog was about approving of ourselves without the need of others' approval. This week we will explore how to approve of ourselves when we have done or said something unkind that we are not happy about.  
As I said last week it is helpful to think about the intention behind our actions.  When my intention has been to be kind I can rest in that regardless of the result.  However what about those times when I have not had a kind intention?  The times I let those unhelpful habits lead the way and I have been angry, wanted to get someone back, been righteous, judgmental, selfish, unforgiving, critical, etc.  I cannot rest in my kind intention then, so what do I do?  Feel guilty is not the right answer, although I have done that many times. Feeling guilty is never useful. We have all done things and said things that we wish we hadn't and while it is not useful to ignore these, it is equally unhelpful to berate ourselves because of them.

Guilt is just an excuse to bash ourselves up and do nothing about it.  Guilt is all about me and what a bad person I am, what a terrible thing I have done etc. How is this of any use to anyone? When we are busy with all that negative self talk we are not available to others as well as destroying our peace of mind, confidence and happiness.  

So how do we stop this unhelpful habit of thinking?  We practice regret instead.  With regret we admit we have done something harmful and acknowledged not being happy about having done it. Regret implies the intention to do something to make up for what we have done. When I I have done or said something that I don't feel good about I find it helpful to do these steps instead of indulging in guilt. 

1.  Admit I have done it 

• Rather than indulge in guilt and negative self talk and diminish my self confidence 
• Rather than pretend I have not done it or to blame someone else
• Understand we have all made mistakes, we are all in the same boat. This helps us have compassion for others' mistakes too
• Understand that what goes around comes around
• Understand that this habit is not helping us be the person we want to be and disturbing our peace of mind and happiness 

2. Regret I have done it

• Once we have admitted doing the misdeed we can have healthy regret for having caused harm to ourselves or others. Regret leads onto steps 3, 4 and 5

3.  Make a plan to stop the harmful habit 

4.  Do something to make up for what you regret 

• It can be fun and good for our own peace of mind to think of something kind you can do for the other person and do it, apologise to them or do something kind for someone else to make up for our misdeed
• This simple act helps clear our conscience and brings us peace of mind 

5.  Forgive and be happy

• We all make mistakes and it important that we are able to forgive ourselves and others and move on happily :)

I can remember clearly the first time I tried this and it worked! I was driving across town to a yoga studio to organise a talk.  I ran a yellow light because I was running late. I could see the person trying to turn right was not happy with me and I certainly regretted inconveniencing him and making him angry. I was tempted to play the guilt game and feel bad and continue to bash myself up or to blame the other driver but fortunately I came up with a better plan.  I did the following.

1.  Admitted it 
Yes, I certainly did run the yellow light, I could have stopped 

2.  Regretted it 
Yes, I regretted making it difficult for the other person and now me.  I don't like it when someone does that to me.  

3.  Make a plan to stop that harmful habit
I would be aware of stopping safely when the lights change for
the rest of my trip.  I could do that.

4.  Do something to make up for what I did
I decided to take an opportunity to let someone into the traffic.  It nearly took me till I got home to do this.  But I found someone and was so happy.  I could now have a clear conscience.  

5.  I could forgive myself and others and move on happily  

You might want to

• Look at the pom-melbourne website
• Explore the 'Worry to Wonder' 4 week course to develop a mindfulness meditation practice and equip yourself with some tools for a happier, more confident and peaceful you.  This 4 week course can be done individually
• Explore the 'Worry to Wonder Women Group Course' 

Maree xx