​Ever feel stressed and worried about something you have to do?  Maybe you have exams or assessments coming up or you are a parent or friend of someone who is facing upcoming VCE exams, of maybe you have a busy time at work with deadlines to meet, an interview or tricky meetings.   

Have you had thoughts like - I don't know enough, I haven't done enough work, I don't know what to do to help, I will not be able to write a good enough essay, they won't like me in the interview, I am going to fail, I might freeze and not be able to do anything.  

To be completely honest I had many of these thoughts going on myself yesterday in relation to writing these blogs around dealing with stress and worry!!  How ironic, I spent most of our grand final public holiday worried and stressed about writing good enough blogs, that included everything I wanted to share about stress and worry. I finished the first three blogs (the long play version of this blog is here Meet My Friend Stress - Long Play  if you would like to read it), which includes psychological and physiological evidence from studies etc., and a lot of stress, about including everything and getting it just right, on my part.

I woke this morning and thought what I really needed to share in this blog was a simple practical way to deal with stress on the spot. I have used this many times and find it so useful, just didn't remember to apply and share it yesterday.  

So here it is - what to do when feel the stress response kick in, in a response to a thought of worry.  We will deal more with the worry train thoughts in the following blogs, lets concentrate on the stress response here.  

So a thought of worry starts the stress response, your heart starts to pound, your breath rate increases and you feel a surge of energy.  Our natural response to this physiological reaction is to avoid feeling it, because we think it is harmful.  We push it away, ignore it, or numb it with alcohol or drugs.  We will do anything to avoid feeling it, because we think it is the enemy.

But, is stress harmful?  No, it is only harmful if we think it is. What if instead of rejecting it, we welcomed it as a friend with a gift for us.  What is the gift you say?  The gift is reminder to pause, breathe into the present, focus and use the energy constructively. So, we can see the same response as a friend helping us prepare for action - helping us to breathe into the present, focus, and use the energy to do what we need to do, to deal with the situation at hand. When we think of the stress response as our helpful friend it gives us courage and joy.  Conversely when we see it as the enemy, it brings stress and fear.  

So next time you feel the stress response kick in with the pounding heart and increased breath rate DO..

Stress A & B.
A.  AWARE - Pounding heart, breath rate increase - here is my friend stress here to help 
B.  BREATHE - Take 3 deep breaths and come to the present.       

You may need to repeat these steps a few times and often.  But they will be very useful in helping you use the friendly stress response constructively to bring courage and joy.  

That is enough for now.  Although I am tempted to add my C and D lets wait till the coming weeks.
If you can't wait and want to read the long play, version of this blog it is available here.  But, what I would recommend is, over the next week just play with the A and B above and make stress your friend.  Simple and practical is sometimes best, and in my opinion, always less stressful 

Take a warm bath or shower
Remember to relax and breathe and let the warmth relieve the tension.  This will revive and refresh you and get you ready for focused action.  

Take a break in nature 
Go out into the fresh air and breathe - deep, full relaxing breaths.   

Take a 5 minute lie down (shavasana)
A yoga teacher of mine recommends we all do this every day, for the rest of our lives.  Simply lie down and fully relax, let go and breathe. My yoga teacher says "by dropping down, we release the issues in our tissues". Sounds easy and it is, and so restorative and relaxing.  Why not give it a go and start today and continue for the rest of your life.  

Lets look at some other gifts our friend stress brings next week.  
 
Thank you subscribers
If anyone you know would benefit from receiving these blogs please ask them to subscribe to pom-melbourne here.  

Have a peaceful fun and happy week
Kind regards
Maree xx ​

​If you'd like to connect further, please get in touch to .......

Find out more about me and pom-melbourne 

Work together to share simple, practical wisdom for a happier you,  
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​Do you ever let a small resentment, like a toot in traffic, build up and up and ruin your peace of mind and day?  Sometimes something irritating happens and I stew over and over it in my mind, making myself and others miserable.  "They should not have said that, or done that irritating thing", over and over.  The truth is that is what happened - 'its like this now', and no amount of worry or protest that it should be different is going to help.

I can also do it over things, I have done that I am not happy about, things like running a yellow light when I could have stopped and not made it difficult for someone turning.  I can do both really - go over and over how I should not have done  a misdeed, with guilt instead of healthy regret, and also go over and over how someone else should not have done something to me,  like give a toot.  

So lets think about helpful ways to deal with theses little misdeeds, those things that we do and regret, and those that others do to us.  Helpful ways which will prevent these regrets and resentments from replaying over and over in our mind, building up into big regrets and resentments that ruin our present and future peace of mind.  

The Four Forces as we outlined in the From Footy Fury to Footy Fun post is a very helpful conscience clearing exercise.  It is very useful with those small resentments and regrets too.

I remember many years ago, applying the Four Forces when I was driving along Punt Road on my way to Northcote to check out a yoga studio for and event I was organising.  I sped through a yellow light, when I could have stopped in time.  This made it very difficult for a motorist turning right and he let me know with a horn blast.  I immediately felt terrible about what I had done, and of course also went to justify it, but knew in my own mind I had done the wrong thing.  Also I was tempted to get cross at the motorist for his blast too - more justification, excuses and blame.  STOP.  Instead thankfully I remembered a couple of things.  
I was tempted to berate myself for being selfish and go on that 'worry thought train' bashing myself up with guilt..  Thankfully I remembered 
There is never a good time to worry 

• If you can do something about it, then do that and don't worry - I could do the Four Forces!
• If you can't do something about it, let it go and don't worry

The Four Forces,  
As we discussed in the Footy blog The Four Forces is a bit like 'mind gardening' or conscious clearing. I had recently learned about this practice and thankfully remembered to apply it to this situation.  

1. Refuge:  Firstly, Admit it - Yes I did it - I could have stopped safely at that yellow light. No matter how tempted I am to try to fool myself with justification.. And Remembering - Being like this and not considering others, is not making me happy and is not helping me be the positive happy force I want to be.                        
2. Regret:  Good healthy regret.  I am sorry I ran the yellow light and made it  difficult for the person turning.  
3. Restraint:  I will try to be aware of being a considerate driver and restrain myself from making it difficult for others for the rest of the trip there and back.  It is good to start off with a realistic restraint time.  (i.e. in my case, my trip there and back ) - instead of something a little more unrealistic like 'I am never going to go through a yellow light!'
4. Recompense:  So this is a make-up activity to make amends for past resentment.  So, I decided my make up activity would be to let a motorist into the traffic.  So I drove the whole way home looking for opportunities to assist someone.  Finally, near home I had the opportunity while stopped in traffic to let someone into High Street.  Yay - a friendly wave and then a big rejoice.  Removed from my conscience. And forgiveness for myself and the person that tooted me - who knows what he had going on.  
5. Rejoice:  Feel really happy about doing this Four powers, especially about following through on the recompense.

So instead of letting this incident ruin my trip and my day, I happily moved on 

As we discussed in the last few posts,  in order to change past unhelpful habits it is helpful to have...... 

1. Awareness:  We need to be aware of those thought habits and understanding we can change them. It is not helpful for me to be resentful and bitter toward myself or others. I have a choice bitter and resentful or get on to do something to make amends for something I regret doing.  
2. Asking ourselves - Are those thoughts true? Am I  careless, selfish driver and are other motorists always having a go at me? NO
3. Is this thought helpful to me? Is this thought helping me be happier and more available to others?  If the thought is not kind, encouraging and making us available to connect to others chances are it is not helpful to reinforce and relive over and over. So enough bitterness and resentment and instead a rewrite - admit it, regret it, try not to do it again and find someone to help.  And forgive the other persons toot - who knows what is going on for him.  

I am so grateful to those wonderful teachers and friends who have helped me get over negative, unhelpful habits and be a more positive, happy force in the world and to do my best to be of benefit.

Thank you subscribers
If anyone you know would benefit from receiving these blogs please ask them to subscribe to pom-melbourne here.  

Have a peaceful fun and happy week
Kind regards
Maree xx ​

​If you'd like to connect further, please get in touch to .......

Find out more about me and pom-melbourne 

Work together to share simple, practical wisdom for a happier you,  
Email me maree@pom-melbourne.com to arrange a time to catch up 

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​Ever feel upset, worried and stuck when you lost something that is dear to you?
While I was away recently, I lost a little bag that I keep my travel crafty projects in.  I must admit, I am attached to that little cloud bag and its contents, as it has allowed me to crotchet, embroider and knit may way around all sorts of interesting spots. I discover it was missing, as I was coming home by taxi, to our villa.  

Oh no, I thought! I was tempted to berate myself for being careless and to go on that 'worry thought train' lamenting its loss.  Then I remembered some wise words..............   

• If you can do something about it, then do that and don't worry 
• If you can't do something about it, let it go and don't worry
  

Worry is a waste of time.  It is like this now - I have lost my bag, and no amount of worry about what I should have done or not done is going to do any good at all.  
So, I asked myself if I could do anything about it.  Yes, I could explore the three possible places I could have left it.  When I returned to our villas, I asked the staff there to ring around for me.  They kindly did, but drew a blank at the class centre and taxi.  That left the Yellow Bird Cafe. I would walk there in the morning to see if it was there.  And in the meantime I would let it go. and not worry.

The next morning I went to the cafe, to discover it was not there either.  I checked around where I had been sitting and a woman seated there told me about losing her bag, in that same spot a month ago.  She didn't ever get the bag back and was expressing her resentment over no one handing it in. I knew it wasn't helpful to be resentful toward others or ourselves.  

Resentment is defined as 'to feel indignation or bitter feelings'.  And indignation is defined as 'scornful anger at supposed unjust or unfair conduct or treatment'.  We are capable of feeling indignation or bitter feelings toward ourselves and others. Here I was a prime example as, I was tempted to get cross at myself for losing it and at others for not handing it in.  Neither of these responses are helpful.  What is a wiser response?   

Fortunately my friend Kath reminded me of some wise advice.  She told me to imagine the person that found my bag was thrilled, it was just what they needed.  It was a timely reminder, I had a choice, bitter and resentful or happy for another.  I decided to be happy for whoever found it, and let it go. I remember doing this with a mobile phone I lost some months ago. Thinking that the phone was needed and   being enjoyed by someone else, made it much easier for me to let it go.  

The taxi driver, Wayan arrived to take me to the airport.  He had also driven me the previous day. He took my bags to the taxi and then came running back excitedly exclaiming "I found your bag".  He explained to me when he had been asked to look the day before, he didn't see it, because it was behind a box of bananas.  It had been in the taxi all along .  

I was extremely grateful to get my bag back, but also grateful for remembering how unhelpful it is to build up bitterness and resentment toward myself and others.  And how helpful it is to give things away happily when we lose them.  
As we discussed last week in order to change past unhelpful habits it is helpful to have...... 

1. Awareness:  We need to be aware of those thought habits and understanding we can change them. It is not helpful for me to be resentful and bitter toward myself or others. I have a choice bitter and resentful or accepting and happy for another.  
2. Asking ourselves - Are those thoughts  true? Am I  careless and are others dishonest? NO
3. Is this thought helpful to me? Is this thought helping me be happier and more available to others?  If the thought is not kind, encouraging and making us available to connect to others chances are it is not helpful to reinforce and relive over and over. So enough bitterness and resentment and instead a rewrite - happy for whoever found my bag.  Wayan and me.  

I am so grateful to those wonderful teachers and friends who have helped me get over negative, unhelpful habits and be a more positive, happy force in the world and to do my best to be of benefit.

Thank you subscribers
If anyone you know would benefit from receiving these blogs please ask them to subscribe to pom-melbourne

Have a peaceful fun and happy week
Kind regards
Maree xx ​

If you'd like to connect further, please get in touch to ....... 

Find out more about me and pom-melbourne 

Work together to share simple, practical wisdom for a happier you,  
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​

​Ever feel resentful, jealousy and unhappiness about someone else's happiness?  I am sorry to say, I felt this way for many years, about my husbands love of footy.  While I am tempted, even now to feel guilty about my behaviour, I know that guilt serves not useful purpose.  Guilt is just another way to worry about myself as I explored in the Difference between Guilt and Regret  post.  So lets explore a more helpful way to deal with regret about past footy resentment.   

I am thankful to remember and apply amore useful practice.  Many years ago in my study of Buddhism I was introduced to a wonderful practice, called the Four Powers or Four Forces.  The Four Powers is a conscious cleaning exercise and a wonderful way to deal with regrets like past resentment or any things we have done, we are not happy about having done.  

Going over and over feeling bad about past misdeeds, like my footy resentment, jealousy and unhappiness, makes me unhappy and ruins my peace of mind. Feeling guilty is all about me, and how bad I feel and does not give me the opportunity to do anything about it!  Regret, on the other hand is a helpful acknowledgment of a misdeed and implies wanting to do something about making amends.   

So instead of feeling guilt over my past resentment over the footy, applying the Four Forces would be a much more helpful thing to do.  The Four Forces, is like  removing an unhappy mind weed of resentment,  and planting  a new happy mind flower seed in its place.  The Four Forces can be easily remembered with words that begin with R.  (And there is an important 5th Force - Rejoicing).  So here they are applied to my past footy resentment.  Of course all this is happening in my own head.  It may not be helpful to tell my husband what I am up to 

1. Refuge:  Tricky word, so lets think about it in terms of what I take comfort in to make me feel better about my past footy resentment.Two things are useful here.  Firstly, Admit it - Yes I did it - I was resentful, jealous and did some unhelpful things.  And Remembering - Being like this is not making me happy and is not helping me be the positive happy force I want to be.                        
2. Regret:  Good healthy regret.  I am sorry I behaved with resentful and unhappiness about my husband's footy happiness.  I was doing my best at the time with what I knew - I had no idea I was creating unhappiness or that I had an alternative.  
3. Restraint:  I will try to be aware of this resentment and restrain myself from making unkind remarks as he is preparing to go to the footy.  It is good to start off with a realistic restraint time.  (i.e. in my case, while he is preparing to go to the footy) - instead of something a little more unrealistic like 'I am never saying anything negative about the footy!'
4. Recompense:  So this is a make-up activity to make amends for past resentment.  So, my make up activity could be to say a cheerful footy goodbye and well-wish, knit him a Hawthorn beanie, make his lunch to have at the footy, or help him get finals tickets.  
5. Rejoice:  Feel really happy about doing this Four powers, especially about following through on the recompense.

As I mentioned, this Four Powers exercise is a little like 'mind gardening'. It is all happening in our own minds, we are our own judge and jury and only need to satisfy ourselves when we have made amends.

I now know it is never helpful to feel unhappy about someone else's happiness (or to feel guilty about the times I have - Four Powers Yay).  I know when things are going right for me and someone else is unable to be happy for me it feels yucky - so I will do my best to be happy for others when things are going right for them.  Go Hawks!!
As we discussed last week in order to change past unhelpful habits it is helpful to have...... 

1. Awareness: This is the first important step.  We need to be aware of those thought habits and understanding we can change them. It is not helpful for me to be unhappy about someone else happiness - just makes me and others unhappy 
2. Asking ourselves - Are those thoughts  true? Does he care more about the footy than me? Is footy his number one priority? Is me being unhappy about his happiness useful? NO
3. Is this thought helpful to me? Is this thought helping me be happier and more available to others?  If the thought is not kind, encouraging and making us available to connect to others chances are it is not helpful to reinforce and relive over and over. So enough footy unhappiness and resentment and instead a rewrite - "Go Hawks - have a great game"

So what did I set out to  do to change things around all those years ago?  I decided I would be happy for him and wish him well at the footy. I would pile on to his happiness. And now I love it when he heads off to see his Hawks, fortunately they are doing well so he usually comes back happy to a happier me. I have even got to the point of being able to wash those brown and gold coloured,, Hawks socks and boxers with joy.

I am so grateful to those wonderful teachers and friends who have helped me get over negative, unhelpful habits and be a more positive, happy force in the world and to do my best to be of benefit.  

Do you ever let a small resentment, like a toot in traffic, build up and up and ruin your peace of mind and day?  Sometimes something irritating happens and I stew over and over it in my mind, making myself and others miserable.  "They should not have said that, or done that irritating thing", over and over.  The truth is that is what happened - 'its like this now', and no amount of worry or protest that it should be different is going to help.

I can also do it over things, I have done that I am not happy about, things like running a yellow light when I could have stopped and not made it difficult for someone turning.  I can do both really - go over and over how I should not have done  a misdeed, with guilt instead of healthy regret, and also go over and over how someone else should not have done something to me,  like give a toot.  

So lets think about helpful ways to deal with theses little misdeeds, those things that we do and regret, and those that others do to us.  Helpful ways which will prevent these regrets and resentments from replaying over and over in our mind, building up into big regrets and resentments that ruin our present and future peace of mind.  

The Four Forces as we outlined in the From Footy Fury to Footy Fun post is a very helpful conscience clearing exercise.  It is very useful with those small resentments and regrets too.

I remember many years ago, applying the Four Forces when I was driving along Punt Road on my way to Northcote to check out a yoga studio for and event I was organising.  I sped through a yellow light, when I could have stopped in time.  This made it very difficult for a motorist turning right and he let me know with a horn blast.  I immediately felt terrible about what I had done, and of course also went to justify it, but knew in my own mind I had done the wrong thing.  Also I was tempted to get cross at the motorist for his blast too - more justification, excuses and blame.  STOP.  Instead thankfully I remembered a couple of things.  
I was tempted to berate myself for being selfish and go on that 'worry thought train' bashing myself up with guilt..  Thankfully I remembered 
There is never a good time to worry 

• If you can do something about it, then do that and don't worry - I could do the Four Forces!
• If you can't do something about it, let it go and don't worry

The Four Forces,  
As we discussed in the Footy blog The Four Forces is a bit like 'mind gardening' or conscious clearing. I had recently learned about this practice and thankfully remembered to apply it to this situation.  

1. Refuge:  Firstly, Admit it - Yes I did it - I could have stopped safely at that yellow light. No matter how tempted I am to try to fool myself with justification.. And Remembering - Being like this and not considering others, is not making me happy and is not helping me be the positive happy force I want to be.                        
2. Regret:  Good healthy regret.  I am sorry I ran the yellow light and made it  difficult for the person turning.  
3. Restraint:  I will try to be aware of being a considerate driver and restrain myself from making it difficult for others for the rest of the trip there and back.  It is good to start off with a realistic restraint time.  (i.e. in my case, my trip there and back ) - instead of something a little more unrealistic like 'I am never going to go through a yellow light!'
4. Recompense:  So this is a make-up activity to make amends for past resentment.  So, I decided my make up activity would be to let a motorist into the traffic.  So I drove the whole way home looking for opportunities to assist someone.  Finally, near home I had the opportunity while stopped in traffic to let someone into High Street.  Yay - a friendly wave and then a big rejoice.  Removed from my conscience. And forgiveness for myself and the person that tooted me - who knows what he had going on.  
5. Rejoice:  Feel really happy about doing this Four powers, especially about following through on the recompense.

So instead of letting this incident ruin my trip and my day, I happily moved on 

As we discussed in the last few posts,  in order to change past unhelpful habits it is helpful to have...... 

1. Awareness:  We need to be aware of those thought habits and understanding we can change them. It is not helpful for me to be resentful and bitter toward myself or others. I have a choice bitter and resentful or get on to do something to make amends for something I regret doing.  
2. Asking ourselves - Are those thoughts true? Am I  careless, selfish driver and are other motorists always having a go at me? NO
3. Is this thought helpful to me? Is this thought helping me be happier and more available to others?  If the thought is not kind, encouraging and making us available to connect to others chances are it is not helpful to reinforce and relive over and over. So enough bitterness and resentment and instead a rewrite - admit it, regret it, try not to do it again and find someone to help.  And forgive the other persons toot - who knows what is going on for him.  

I am so grateful to those wonderful teachers and friends who have helped me get over negative, unhelpful habits and be a more positive, happy force in the world and to do my best to be of benefit.

Thank you subscribers
If anyone you know would benefit from receiving these blogs please ask them to subscribe to pom-melbourne here.  

Have a peaceful fun and happy week
Kind regards
Maree xx ​

​Ever ask others for help and no one seems available to assist you? This seems to happen to me a bit, although much less lately. I have not always dealt with this 'lack of help' in the most constructive way and have often found myself in that resentful, "I'll do it myself!' spot.  Time to rewrite that unhelpful story.

I needed to rebuild the chicken coup during the week because of a construction error on our part.  The walls were around the wrong way, which meant every time we closed the hutch door Mabel and myrtle, our chickens were knocked off their perch!!  Some chicken coup remodelling was necessary to make their lives happier.
 
I began asking for assistance and was reminded of the children's story 'The Little Red Hen'.  As I remember the story, the hen need help at various stages of a bread making process. She needed assistance with milling the grain, kneading and baking and no one seemed available to assist her.   I felt just like the little red hen, as everyone I asked was too busy to help me.

The Little Red Hen at each rejection said 'I will do it myself then', In my memory she responded with kindness and cheer with the 'I will do it myself' coming from a helpful spot.  I don't think I can say the same of my building resentment with each help request refusal.  I went to go further into that resentful spot and 'do it myself' with resentment, much huffing and puffing and no joy, when I remembered some useful things. Reinforcing the unhelpful story "no one ever helps, I have to do everything myself', I have been telling myself for years, is never useful. Fortunately I remembered some wise words from Ghandi "In doing something, do it with love or never do it al all" and "Service whisk is rendered without joy helps neither the servant nor the served".  Thank you Ghandi - time to rewrite that unhelpful habit".  
   
As I said last week sometimes we can get so habituated to reinforce a story like 'No one ever helps me', that we don't stop to question the truth of such thoughts or whether they are helping us be happy or ever did!! I know I did it for years.  I now understand how reinforcing these untrue, thought habits makes me unhappy and under confident and unavailable for others. So asking those same questions to rewrite a more helpful story

1. Awareness: This is the first important step.  We need to be aware of those thought habits and understanding we can change them. I remembered Ghandi's wise words 
2. Asking ourselves - is this true? Does no one ever help me? Do I always have to do everything myself? NO
3. Is this thought helpful to me? Is this thought helping me be happier and more available to others?  If the thought is not kind, encouraging and making us available to connect to others chances are it is not helpful to reinforce and relive over and over. 

If I am busy with all the negative self talk I am creating unhappiness, by obsessing negatively about others and myself and I am also not available to others.  Instead, if I get on to rewrite that unhelpful story and do my best to be available to be of benefit to others I feel good, confident and connected to others.  Its lonely and sad in the 'what about me?' head.  

So what did I do?  I decided I could rebuild the coup myself with love and joy and planned a time to do it in the afternoon.  Interestingly that same day a friend kindly offered to help me the next day.  I thanked him and said I would give it a go and call him if i got stuck.  My funny mind was so tempted to go "why can't my family help me?'  STOP - back to those questions.

Also, I was reminded of that stubborn streak in me that can go to martyrdom and denies others the opportunity to help.  So again a balancing act here.  When we kindly offer assistance or gifts  and they are dismissed with comments like - "you shouldn't have done that (kind thing);  or No, I don't need help" it never feels good and denies the other person the opportunity to feel good too.   It is good to give others the opportunity to help, but then let go of the expectation and judgment if they are unable to.

I began the coup dismantling and reassembly in the late afternoon.  It wasn't without its tricky bits, but I remained joyful and worked on.  Mabel and Myrtle were ready for bed before I had finished - I laughed as I placed their final wall in place and screwed it in as they were nestled up in bed.  

So it is fixed now, I am happy to say, without resentment.  I am so pleased to have remembered Ghandi's words and to rewrite that untrue, unhelpful story.  The chickens are happy too, as they are no longer tipping off their perch as we shut the door.  

As I recall at the end of the 'Little Red Hen' story - she doesn't share the bread she has baked 'all by herself'.  Maybe she may have benefited from Ghandis wise words and baked the bread  with love and joy to share with others.  Because, the secret of our own happiness, lies in doing our best to benefit others.  

I am so grateful to those wonderful teachers and friends who have helped me get over negative, unhelpful habits and be a more positive force in the world and to do my best to be of benefit.  

​